I'm Fearless

There are two things you have to look forward to when your heart is broken.

Things can only get better, surely the pain can get any worse
and some one will better will be apart of the healing process.

Laura is my IDOL

My name is Jackie and I'm here to say
Laura Cummard is my idol in every way
Shes always happy and likes to have fun
Shes naturally the best at anything she has ever done.
I wish I could play ball or just be like her
I will log out of my email and blog from now on that's for SURE

Love you Jack:)

Feels like home to me.

Ok, I guess its about time for an update...if Heidi is blogging again you know that it is time to start up. How bout I start with the good...I am still working at Justice, yay! Literally one of the happiest jobs I have ever had, I know its sick but I can see myself working there till I am 50. No need to worry I won't...I already evaluated the pros and cons of doing so, and realized I wouldn't progress:) Maybe being a business owner of some sort though?? I definitely love sales. Which brings me to my other bit, not only do I love sales but I love to talk sales, and I have realized that talking sales to an outsider is worse than pushing pins in their eyes (as I have learned from trying to share my enthusiasm with my less than aloof siblings who could care less). I find myself being borderline nosy when I walk into a store, whether it be Charlotte Russe or Wal Mart, I want to know where there at in there day, that meaning how much money they have brought in, what is the average transaction like, how their associate will treat me, and there conversion rate...doesn't all that sound exciting??!! Call me a nerd, but I love it! Another problem I have attained is feeling bad telling an associate no to what they are trying to sell me, its the stupid left over side effects of being a people pleaser, they still lurk around every now and again. An example, I went to Pac Sun as a 'just looking' customer, the ones I usually try to convert, and I started up some ole sales talk with the manager, made friends and so by this point I felt to bad to just leave. Because A: I would ruin the conversion, and B:...I dont think I have a B, I just felt too bad. So I bought some dumb mindless items, knowing very well I did not need them, and so 20 minutes later I was at another Pac Sun, making sure NOT to make friends with the people who worked there and quickly returned my purchases. Needless to say I am working on how to say 'no'.

Ok I have no idea how I got from talking about the good that is happening in my life to that ridiculous story. Anyway, moving on. I am still at my beloved parents house, taking online classes and like I said earlier practically living at Justice. Things are good here, not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be to be here again after being gone for 4 years. But by the same token it is a great motivator for me to get back down to thatcher. I know I am going to miss my job more than anything if I go back, because chances are I will have to work a crappy work study or CNA job, but I keep telling myself there will be other greater social payoffs, such as institute and devotional, church activities that you are almost forced to go to because there is nothing else to do ( i don't mean that to have a negative connotation), roomates YAY! my own house ( I havent had my own space in about 7 months now, I freakin miss it!) actually taking meaningful classes, and best of all performing again, CHEER!:)

Well thats about where I am at right now, working, attempting online classes, trying to save along the way, and nightly wanting to punch Casey in the face cause he is so annoying...life is ok, no major complaints.

The grass is green right here.

Once upon a time, I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I thought If only I could do this, if only I could be there, If only he would like me, if only I would look like this than maybe, just maybe I might be happy.

On May 5, I left the town of thatcher thinking I would never go back, and I was satisfied with that judgment of mine. 4 months have gone by, five hundred thoughts and experiences later...oh what I would give to be back down there. Cabin fever could be a catalyst of this rash desperate opinion of mine. When I say cabin fever I mean seeing eating and breathing my crazy family life, they have basically been my life this summer...And I want OUT!!! Dont get me wrong I love them all, but I forgot what it was like to not have them around. To do what I wanted to do, make my own stupid mistakes, and have the freedom and luxuries to do so. Now a days it is quite the opposite, it has been mighty humbling having to rely on them, but it also gives me that extra encouragement to do what I need to to move forward and be on my own.

I think my first year at EA I was extremely self conscious and unsure about what I was doing, and rightfully so, it was my first time on my own, my first time using my money, everything I was doing was so foreign to me and I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was looking good to other people. A year later, and after reaping the paltry rewards of a people pleaser I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. That no matter if I did have the 'perfect' first year of college, if I did attend a University, if I was on scholarship, if I did have a boyfriend, If I was smart with every penny of my money, something still would have went wrong, under the microscope of other people somewhere along the line it wouldn't have been enough for other people. Its a never ending hole of un happiness when you try and play the role of a people pleaser and look gooder ( I just coined that new phrase). On the other hand, if you can sit yourself down, get real with the things that are going on in your life, the good the bad and the ugly, address it all, make a decision that you are ok with where you are at that exact moment , and become painfully honest with what YOU want, I think that is when happiness and progression can settle in and you can learn to see the lush vibrant green grass that you are already standing on.

Notice how I say learn to see, because its not something that just shows up one day. Its a behavior/ way of thinking that you teach yourself. Sometimes it takes just one bad day for some one to say I am sick of this, I dont like the way I feel when this happens, I am going to change this, tomorrow will be different starting with this new behavior...and then if your an Arnett it sometimes takes months even years of not liking whats happening for you to finally quick hitting that same wall, and decide to get a ladder and climb it. You have to get creative, you have to stop doing what you have always done and try something new.

Now back to me wanting to go back. I realize that it will in no way be the same EA it was the past two semesters. But as I was telling Missy who is going back, it will be a new EA, with new people and experiences awaiting her and I think that she is ready for that. I think anyone can be ready for that kind of change, and that being down there again with a new mind set will make it better than what it has been in the past.

Unfortunately I will not be going back down there, I am way too much in love with my new job, I am committed to saving my money, and I think its time for me to stick with a plan. At least for 3 months...I am learning to just take things a day at a time. Moral of the story, Im not sure, how bout I am a rambler/Motivational speaker:)

20 decisons that have changed me this summer...for better or worse.

1. Coming home from EA
2. being a Show Low EFY counselor
3. my cute little dance camp
4. going to Pennsylvania
5. deciding to come home from Pennsylvania
6. racking up more credit card debt
7. deciding not to use my credit card anymore
8. starting a job at Justice
9. Mine and Missys relationship
10. deciding to attend ASU
11. losing my purse and starting all over
12. deciding I really dont want to go to ASU
13. getting promoted at Justice
14. deciding I want to dance now more than ever before
15. getting a second and third job so that I can dance
16. oh and SYTYCD reminding me that I love to dance
17. learning not to ask everyone for an opinion
18. learning how to take resposibility from Dr. Phil
19. my talks with Wendy
20. deciding once more that Im sick of waiting around for preston

My Poem

Please stop telling me what to do
but then I ask and thats your cue

do this do that, dont be a joke
Nursing school? I think you'll choke.

You can do what you put your mind to
but first ask me and I'll have to approve

Your twenty years old, not a child of eight
its time you know mail in rebate

You need a boyfriend, how long has it been
your getting homlier, that can be a sin

well this is what I say to one and to all
I am the greatest, and I will not fall

I know what I want, and I will not rest
I fight hard, put me to the test

Sometimes Im helpless, and out of gas
but i will never be the one to finish last

so please, next time when you feel you need to say
Just dont, Im sick of all the 'advise'

i dropped my fifth phone of the summer in a toilet

need I say more (see 2 posts down)

"This Is So You Think You Can Dance, and Im your host Jackie Arnett!"

Ok so I am obssesed with "So you think you can dance". I dont know what it is, but that show just speaks to me. It could be all the down time I have on the days that I dont work but I like to re-watch all the episodes throughout the seasons, rate then re-rate all the dancers and the choreography, and it has just been a blissful experience for me, I do beleive that I have fallen in love with the art of dance again. Not that I ever stopped loving it, but my batteries have been re-charged again. I forgot what it was like to perform a piece in front of an audience that you have worked so hard on, and the gratifying feeling of a screaming audience, nothing like it I tell you. Dance has always facinated me, and since I was a little girl I knew I would be one someday. I used to think that 'someday' had already passed for me. I danced in high school, I was on the school dance team, I cheered in college, but I hate to say it ladies and Gents, but Im not done with dance, nor am I ready to set aside that continuing dream of mine. As many of you may know I am know heading my education in the direction of nursing, but I was thinking about it the other day what would be cooler than a nurse who also coaches her own dance team, or even still competes herself...I mulled it over and I think that is a brilliant idea! It is kind of alot to ask, but I firmly believe that I can have the best of both worlds. After all it was dance that taught me that I can do anything, I was by no means a naturaly gifted dancer like my beautiful niece Jancy, but in a time in my life when I didnt really feel like I was worth anything or that I was capable of accomplishing the secret dreams of mine, dance was the only thing I stood and fought for. It was the one passion that I kept burning when everything else in my life went numb. I do not usually have great vision, but with dance I have always been able to picture me perfoming and dancing so powerfully, and through my persistancy i was able to carry that over onto the stage. the power of positive thinking is real!! and dance taught me that. yes it did take me several years before I ever reached the point where I would allow myself to dance on stage with confidence, but it did happen, and I wanted it bad enough to where I wouldnt give up. So back to me not being a 'gifted' dancer, I think I am what you would call a dancer with heart. In the classes I would take and the teams I was on I always had to work a bit harder than the other girls to master a sequence of movements or the technique of turns, but I loved what I did so I would gladly persist. Dance became a powerful outlet for me, and as I am re-discovering it still is. And with that said I would like to present to you a dance performed by two of my favorite dancers on SYTYCD (one dancer is a favorite by default), the title of this dance is Heartbreaker, Look it up on youtube because I cant figure out how the heck to post it to my blog!

I love this dance because it illustrates perfectly how I feel. I think that sometimes it is just as painful to be the heart-breaker as it is to be the heart breakee. I know that just within this past year I have been progressing from moving on from a former love, and let me tell you it is hard as hell. There are days that go by that I dont even think of him, and I am happy with the person I am becoming without him. And then one week I will do nothing but think and dream of him day and night. It becomes a quite heavy and annoying repetive thought process. Because like Jeanine illustrates in this dance, no matter how hard you fight this person off, no matter how hard you throw them to the ground, and promise yourself that you are done, he still creeps his way in. Because on any given day I can go through my reportoire of memories with him and remember exactly how beautiful he made me feel, and how happy I became around him, but it doesnt change the fact that it is healthiest and best for me to leave it all behind today. Being a heartbreaker gets a bad rap alot of the time, one that describes you to be heartless and spineless, when in my book it means quite the opposite. The days when I can say 'I am done, its over, it was all worth it, but better days await me' are the days when I feel the strongest and most worth while. The cheap security that comes from holding on to him isnt worth neglecting the reality that I deserve the best even if I havent found it yet.

I believe in being cursed.

It all started out with buying my first nice phone. I got it off craigslist, and I was so proud a good hundred dollars spent. And so i had this phone for a good 24 hours before I went on a date, and we were talking and I seemed to be enjoying myself, when my phone basically crawled out of my pocket and through it self into the lake we were at. We managed to rescue it, but it was a gonner. And so I went to the alltel store and purchased another, same model, cheaper price (I had insurance), and so my week continued, and then the lovely July 10 rolled around, I hope you all know what day that is! Me and my brothers went to the lake for my birthday, I left my purse in his truck and headed out to play in the water. Well we returned and Casey dryly informed me that my purse was gone. Thats right someone broke into his truck and stole his phone and debt card, and my whole life AKA my purse. Digital camera, cell phone, wallet, social security card, hard drive with all the stories I was writing on them!, my Dr. Phil book, and my favorite body spray that was already taken from me at airport security once this summer, oh goodness the list goes on. And I mean I understand that kind of crap happens, but on a cute 20 year olds birthday? Really? Life is funny like that. And the thing is I am just one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, but I tell you I am getting pretty stumped on this one.

which brings me to my other story, this summer I had a job back east at a summer camp, I was the dance instructor, I was totally stoked to a part of such a great opportunity. but again life had a curve ball for me, sometimes things are not all they are cracked up to be. In my head I imagined this wholesome camp I would go to and be able to teach little kids dance, and make cute boy counselor friends. well back east is just as pretty as everyone says but this camp was not at all what I expected. As soon as I got there I felt sick, in my gut I knew I wasnt supposed to be there. it just felt wrong, I let it sit for a couple day before I called Cliff and we devised a genious plan to get me home. in short I threw some water in my eyes, i sadly proclaimed to the camp director that my dad had a heart attack. And BAM just like that the next morning I was in NYC taking several different buses to the Newark New Jersey airport. best and worst 3 days of my life. I sincerley believe i can do any hard thing now, no one would have believed that I could do any of what I did back there on my own. From getting a plane ticket to switching buses in the Big Apple. I was Lagit. Anyway, so on my 4 hour flight home, I kept thinking there was a reason I flew back there, saw those weird people at that camp, and felt prompted to leave days later, and there was a reason I needed to be back in Arizona for the summer.
I did get a job right away, I get a whole 8 hours a week. Not quite enough to pay off my plane ticket yet, but I will get there!

Ok I dont really remember where I was going with this post, its kinda all over the place...some side notes though, jancy ended up jumping in the pool with my phone, and once more I am phone less, broke, and basically jobless...but Everything happens for a reason. And I take full responsibility for all of this. (thats my new mantra)...lets see if I can reverse this 'curse' with it.

My Time To Shine

Well I am just going to update...Chea and I have an inside joke that my blog is the 'Peoples Punisher' (From Sydney White the movie), because no one reads my blog, partly because no one knows that I switched blog addresses and because my posts are long and drawn out, and I dont have pictures. But personally I like it this way, I can say whatever the heck I want...and for any readers who might be out there, I hope you enjoy, but if you dont, I dont give a hoot!

School is now in the home stretch for me, and I have bittersweet feelings. My roomates and I have finally decided to be social in the last two weeks of school, and so we have had alot of good times, but as I recall this is exactly what we did last semester! We stuck to ourselves and then when it came time for school to be over, we had some really good times. Isn't it funny how I sabatoged myself in this way...twice! Nonetheless, I am glad we have allowed ourselves to finally loosen up...and when I say we, I just mean me...as ironic as it is I am the anti-social one most the time.

I have a funny story to tell to exemlify that. The other weekend, a band came to safford to play, since this place is so hoppin you know? So the night previous to them playing we met at the Denny's, gave them our numbers and promised that we would go to the concert. No harm, and it was laid back enough for me to agree to go. So, the next night we are having a jolly good time at this concert, the music was pretty weird for my taste, but it kept my interest. It was Regae-Rap. So the last song is playing, and 5 or 6 girls decide to go up and dance in front of the stage, and if any of you know me there is nothing I hate more than being upstaged. Its funny cause these girls weren't trying to compete or anything, and its not like I was in love with this band...But all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming feeling to 'top' these ladies and prove that I was a bigger die hard fan than them...and So I did. Keeping in mind that this was all done in the name of attention. And so I jumped up on stage, and danced all up on the piano player, just giving him a run for his money ya know?:) For a moment there I felt like all the people in the auditorium were there to see me, it was great! Pictures were flashing from stage right, and then stage left, I felt like Hannah Montana. So the concert ends, we hang around to talk to the band, and I think that where it started to go up, I mean my wall of course. My roomates started discussing plans to hang out with the band, and I am thinking "why in the heck would I want to hang out with them, havent you ever heard of the term Go out on a Good Note?!' So I quickly informed them I would not be participating in this hang out, I just wanted to go home and read.

And so thus we see, either I am bi-polar, or scared. Im gonna go with the latter, because Im pretty sure bi-polar is a cop out. Isn't it retarted that I am nineteen years old and I still struggle to bring myself to hang out with other people. Because on most good days, I think I am cute, Im freaking funny, and I will entertain the crap out of anyone, but its like pulling teeth to get me to go to the institute building. Can anyone say Cliff?

Well the beauty of this situtation is that I am reading a book by Dr. Phil (dont anyone dis on him, he knows what he is talking about!) and I am learning why I do the things I do, what keeps me doing the habits of mine that I hate, and I no longer use the cop out 'well thats just the way I am'...Its really changed my perspective, I cant stop analyzing myself and all those around me. Its a liberating feeling to know that I am in control and that I can change my behaviors. I wish I could just place this knowledge in some of my loved ones brains. Because now when another hot band comes to Safford, I will say 'Hell yes we can hang out after the concert! And yes I know I got some killer moves!'

Buy my Book!

Well I am writing a book(s). So far its been a light sketch, just messing around with different ideas, but I think that this is what I should be doing in my life right now. I bought a jump drive the other day, and I usually end up typing more in my book folders than I do my homework assignments, but so far it has been a great release. I have several different stories/books that I want to write, the first being my years spent in Chea's home, then My life with my brothers, and then I am going to strickly write a book on overcoming the heart ache from your missionary leaving, and lastly I want to write dad's story. Its all kind of out of order, but I am writing what I can deal first, and then I will move in to the murky more hard to swallow stories. Already I have developed a different perspective and I am more at ease with my past than I have ever been before. So people, be prepared to laugh, cry, and mock, I have got some good stories coming your way... you can place orders now:)

I've 'moved on' people

So I this weekend was spent back home, no surprise I know, but the greatest part about being home this weekend was just how involved everyone was in my life. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone...I got questions left and right on who I was dating, people assuming I was engaged in some cases, just a bombardment of outrageous ideas all relating to me, I loved it, all the attention was really flattering. Engaged? (weird) I mean have you read my blog!!! I am about as far from settling down as it gets, don't get me wrong I do have to fight off the boys with sticks most days. But I do believe my favorite comment of the weekend was that I had looked as if I had officially moved on....It was such a proud moment for me. Yes, I have MOVED ON!!! Everyone knows about my gooooood friend Preston who left on his mission almost a year ago, and I have been writing and him for the majority of his mission...needless to say it has been a long, sometimes painful process getting over him and transitioning into other boys, but let me tell you I have made the transition, and life has never been better, and apparently others are starting to see that I exude the confidence of 'dang, that girl has moved on!'....I tell you its liberating! So thank you everyone for your bright and intact assumptions of me seriously dating, being engaged, a dear johner, and a moved oner! I am flattered:)

Everyone wants it, but rarely anyone can handle it

I'm talking about change people, the older I get, the more I realize how true that is! Missy and I were having one of our intelligent discussions yesterday, just updating eachother on 'where were at'...and I have never seen such a person make such a 180 change in such a short amount of time. She is incredible, from when I met her about 3 years ago, to the person she is now, I would hardly recognize her. Missy has such a great amount of courage, from her decsion to be baptized to her deciding to move back home to california...I admire so much about her. She does what she truley belives is best for her, regaurdless of what others warn or say to her. But anyway, Missy was part of my epiphany on change...She told me that isn't it funny how when people ask you 'how your doing' they usually want to hear what you are struggling with, they dont usually want to hear " Im great! Im going to church, and institute weekly, I have boys lining up to date me, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my education, Im sincerely happy!...oh and ps I have a rockin body", Well at least that Has been true for me... Its been hard for me to accept when others are doing good, because then I feel like I am failing. And before you analyze that, I'll tell you that I already know the reasoning for that mentality and it was because I wasn't feeling good about myself, I wasn't at peace with where I was at. Before I was so conciously focused on 'change', I was trying to completley remodel everything about myself. And while I became so obsessed and pre-occupied with this needing to change attitude, I was actually repelling the natural change that comes from surrendering and turning to the Lord...I seriously feel like I take the absolute most hardest and longest way to learn my lessons, but hey, at least Im learning them right?:)

The time has come for me to confess...

OK so I told you in my last post that I am going to Pennsylvania this summer, and I am totally psyched to go...But I was reading on the Camp Towanda website, and under the catagory of 'campers' I learned that 98% of the kids will be Jewish. Ok lets all take a big breath...cause thats what I had to do. Dont get me wrong this will not stop me from going, I just dont know what I am supposed to do, Do i tell the diresctor that I am mormon, just to get it out of the way? Do I stay quiet and then secretly try and do some missionary work? Because as I read further I learned that at this camp they say 'grace' and I am assuming they will not end thier prayers the same way I do, so what would I do in the situation that I am called upon to pray? Well Camp Towanda prides themself upon the fact that they are 'diverse' so I hope all goes well and they are accepting. I was talking to Missy last night and it occured to me that the word "towanda" does sound a bit Jewish, you know like Kwanza...Well she quickly informed me that Kwanza is a black holiday and has nothing to do with the Jewish...my bad, you learn something everyday:)

An Update:)

Ok so my old blog no longer would let me log on, I forgot my password, or my password changed...either way, I was ticked I could no longer get on! So here I am starting a whole new blog, the dance continues! I have lots to update. I will start with my baking obsession. My last post I was so proud of the eggs rice and salmon I made, Contrary to what Britteny said it was a good dinner, but I think that I am best at making desserts. I started with Banana Bread, and that was amazing! A little doughy in the middle but I love batter so it was delicious to me. And then I moved on to making a cake from scratch, to cherry tarts, to blueberry muffins, and then I made a reeses cheese cake. I find baking to be a huge stress reliever, I love sugar, and my roommates prefer the smell of cake rather than burning salmon so it all works out! Moving right along to my plans for this summer, I have had like a million different ones, but I think I finally found one that will work out. As many of you know, I went to North Hollywood a couple weeks ago and auditioned for Tokyo Disneyland, I had a wonderful time, I did amazing, met some nice girls, but I didn't end up getting a part...its ok I never really liked Tokyo or Disneyland for that matter:). So I checked Tokyo off my list and worked on getting a Camp Counseling job, and as it turns out I had a camp contact me from Pennsylvania and they are in need of a dance director...lucky for them dance is my middle name! I think that about leads me to where I am now, this week is spring break, I have had a good time taking it easy, and spending money I don't have. Only two more months of school, and then its summer! Time flies when your busy!

I made eggs, salmon, and rice!

Ok well thats pretty much all I wanted to say...Its kinda a big deal for me, the salmon was super mushy for the longest time but I left it in the oven patiently for about 20 minutes, and then VIOLA! I had a beautiful, and might I add elegant meal. The rice was a bit crunchy, but thats beseides the point, it was the first time I ever tried making it...You know I just might go to cooking school!

Was it this hard for everyone?

Ugh, college is super exhausting. I mean that with every part of me. Everyday is go, go, go. Sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to keep up. Which is odd because I am not the type to back down from a challenge...I usually take pride in struggling and triumphing. Not today though. The triumph is taking a little longer than I anticipated...I would classify me right now at somewhat of a 'stand still'. So as I was talking with Missy tonight (my other favorite roomate) I was brought to the question, Did everyone have to struggle like crazy in college? I seriously feel like sometimes, its just me. So, since I know my sisters are the only ones who read this, I want to hear some of your college stories, so I dont feel so irrational. Blog about one of them, or just comment...or you can call me:) Love you all!

It Snowed!

My favorite roomate!

You know how people do 'tributes' to others on blogs, usually for their birthdays and what not. Well I want to do a tribute/recognize someone, but there is really no reason, other than the sheer fact that I am gratful for this person. Danni, my roomate. She is the most concieted girl of the house. I have never met anyone as vain as danni (well next to myself)...Ok I am kidding, if anything Danni is the complete opposite of that, she is a super humble girl. With little guile, She is so sincere, I admire that about her. For example, Danni is not a very loud out going person, but when we do go to social gatherings, she is the first to always say hello to someone new, and ask someone how they are doing. And I can do that too, but Danni sincerely cares about the people she is talking to, she isnt doing it to be 'fluffy' or superficial. Another admirable quality of Danni is that she is so content with who she is. She doesnt ever feel the need to change who she is based on what people think of her. That is so re freshing ...I am trying to learn from her how to be ok with yourself, and not change for others, but yourself. I want to thank her for listening to me, and never judging me.

Take an opportunity when it presents itself

This past weekend was London's Run, and the past couple of years I have ran both the 10 k and the half marathon. And the plan this year was to do the same, but as it turned out when I picked up my bib it said '2 mile'. I was a little bummed and a little relieved by this typo. I payed the amount for the half marathon, but fact of the matter I wasn't trained to run 13 miles. So I settled for the 2 mile. All in all, it was a fun experience, I 'ran' it with little Taryn. But as I watched Pierce cross the finish line and not me after he had successfully ran for about 2 hours, I wanted to crumble. I was so upset with myself, even though I wasn't trained, I had stopped running for about a month and a half, I knew I could do it. I am a runner. But i let the negatives take over and I lost out on an amazing opportunity to push myself. So me being me, later on that day I went out for a 10 mile run to make up for it, hoping in some way to compensate for the experience that I gave up earlier...But truth be told it wasn't the same. Its great and all to know that I can push my body to those limits, but it wasn't London's Run. So today I am left with extremely blistered and achy feet, and left without the satisfaction of doing what I set out to do long ago. There is a scene from My Best Friends Wedding, where Julia Roberts is on a boat with her best friend and is given the opportunity to tell this man that she is in love with him once and for all, but as she keeps her feelings in, they pass under a bridge, and it symbolically marks that the moment has past and that she had waited too long to do what her heart told her to do. And I know that is an extreme example but it is almost exactly how I felt yesterday when I was on the sidelines as the gun went off for the half marathoners. The moment had passed. And as I am aware that there is always next year, I am in a new perspective now that I should take opportunities as they come, not to run away because of self doubt...And with that said I have another story. Today I was talking with a good friend of mine, and he casually mentioned that a mutual friend of ours thought I was cute etc. And I have always thought this guy was cute too, but I am the type who would never do something. Well this friend of ours just moved away last week... and now I kick myself for being so passive and doubtful. There is a microcosm of life to be learned from this, although I wish I would've stepped forward and been more aggressive and taken action, I am grateful to know what regret feels like so that I don't make it a habit.

My new Best Friend

I cant tell you how much I love my new bike! Chea gave it to me, and when I first saw it I was a little reluctant on whether or not I would actually ride it...It mustard yellow, with a picnic basket on the front, it looks just like something from the 70's. But as soon as I got on that baby and gave it a whirl, I couldn't get off. There's something empowering about riding the ugliest, ok maybe not the ugliest, but the most unique bike on campus. First of all Im higher than everyone, literally, I can zoom past those walking, Im sure they feel sad they cant get anywhere as fast as I can, and I really do enjoy all this new attention. I find myself trying to find reasons to ride it, I asked my roomates today if they needed anything from Wal-Mart because I would ride down there and pick them up groceries, Cant you just see my basket being of good use in that situation?! Its just like a car, but better... you get a workout! I now consider myself a runner and a biker!

Play time is over:(, time to accomplish!

I only have a couple more days left here in good ole Queen Creek, and then I have to head back down to school. I cant believe 3 weeks have already come and gone. Im kind of looking foreword though to going back...ok actually Im dreading it a bit, but Im working on the positive talk. This semester I am going with the attitude of accomplishing specific goals, and I WILL follow through with them, Im pretty sure thats why last semester was so lackadaisical was because I wasn't sure of where I was going and what for. Here are my new goals for 2009...1. Get a 3.0, 2. apply to a University (I am not going to mention which university, because I get so much flack for what ever school i say, it will be a surprise!) 3. Spend time regularly at library, Channel my obsessive energy towards my studies, 4. apply to a summer volunteer program, 5. join intramural soccer, 6. attend institute weekly, 7. find more service opportunities, 8. save enough extra money to join a real technical dance class, 8. Start living in the present, quit looking back to my past, and worrying about the future. 9. be myself always, no more holding back!...and of course I have more things I am changing and new habits to form, but those are my priorities.

Married...At my age!!!??

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the wedding and reception of my best friend Molly. I met Molly my sophomore year of high school, I was new to the school, I didnt have many friends and instantly Molly reached out to me. She was bubbly, knew lots of people, and had every cute guys number...I was lucky to be her friend. She helped me discover my more social and goofy side, I love her for that. Whenever Molly and I would have sleepovers, we would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS talk about our wedding day. We would talk about how handsome and great our husbands would be, what our reception would look like, the songs we would play for our "first dance", and where we would go on our honeymoons. It was so fun painting these magical fairytale like pictures of what love would be like for us one day. And as often as we would dream and talk of these days, I never really could see it happening to any of us too soon, It seemed like a far off tale. But last weekend I got to watch all of Molly's dreams come true. It was so un-real to see all of those wonderful things happen to her. But what was even more impressing to me was to see just how happy she truly was. It was written all over her face! Granted the road towards her happiness wasn't pain free, She had to endure some hard knocks, but in my eyes that makes her all the more beautiful...Now Im going to be honest, lately I have been pretty fed up with all the 'engaged and underage' gals around me, not that im jealous, I just dont understand it! I guess I just feel way to much like a child, that I just could never picture myself being a wife any day soon. But standing back, and watching Molly's wedding gave me a new outlook. Now i'm not going to go sign up on LDS singles, or attend institute activities any more than I usually do, But in a sense I have a new hope. My heart has been softend, and I can't wait till I find the one who will love me the way I need to be. And make me glow in the same way that Molly did when she looked at her husband. Ok, there Im done...I said all the things I wanted to, now let the insulting begin...I always have been and always will be a hopeless romantic:) Congrats Molly! I love you!...Oh and just one more small note, I caught the bouquet!

I'm home for Christmas!

Its back to the petty cat fights over clothes, the hounding to get a job, cleaning the black hole, gardening early saturday mornings, and it's never felt so good to be home. I forgot how ridiculous my nieces are, don't get me wrong, I love them for it. But its hilarious to see how fast an argument can flare up from one wrong look. I don't remember it being this 'sensitive' when I was here, but maybe thats just because lately I have had some heavy dosage of maturation:), little things like that just don't bother me anymore. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, is that so wrong?! Yesterday, some of us girls went and bought some fake reading glasses, and we all had plans to wear them to church. We were going to be the new Smart Family. All day we have just been prancing around the house pretending to be more intelligent than before. I insisted that I wear mine to the singles ward here, so then everyone would think that I was a real College girl...i mean come on, everyone knows glasses seal the deal when your trying to prove that you have 'changed'. Well that, an engagement ring. Not really interested in the latter...a little to permanent for my short attention span. Anyway, its great to be back, I have big plans, of course, things to do and change before i head back to thatcher scratcher...what better time to do so though, its the Season of Hope!

All nighters

This week has by far been the best week of my whole semester. I guess you save the best for last right? Since monday, my roomates and I have been hanging out with my cousin Taylor and his cousin (not my side) Nephi. They have stayed over almost every night, no sleeping of course, but doing every crazy ridiculous thing in between. One night we had 'dare night', that resulted in alot of upset stomaches, and some wet pants. Another night, the boys decided to dress up as cowboys and we drove up to the mountain and took pictures up there. And an all nighter wouldnt be considered legit without face cards...we all have developed an obsession for the game Scum. And one night, everyone even managed to help me study for my psychology exam that was at seven am the next morning ( I got a 97%!!!). A couple of the nights at around 4 am ( that doesn't sound right) the boys would say they were hungry so Danni and I headed to Wal-Mart and picked up pancake mix and cinnamon rolls. Of all the 'all nighters' that we have pulled this week, I would have to say that last night was the worst...the night started out with a road trip to tucson which was a little too long in my opinion. And taylor and nephi insisted that we stay up till 8 am the next morning...I was not up for this one, my body was done staying up, and i was ready to head home now that i was done with my finals. But if any of you know my cousin taylor, you would know that he would make your life a living heck if you do anything contradicting his ideas. If I, or anyone else for that matter, would close their eyes it would result in pillow fights, stupid loud obnoxious clap games, and occasionally one huge group hug...I know it was as gay as it sounds. Nonetheless, this week has been so entertaining... it was the first time in the past 5 months here that i have wanted to stay in thatcher instead of come home:)

Life as I know it...

This is my blog. I asked Danni to make me one so that I could post my analysis of all my roomates. And of course, as with all things, I really wanted this blog so that I could post about myself...Im a pretty narsisistic human being. But you wont be let down, I'm pretty entertaining. I'm a fun self centered person:) Ok well I'm going to start off from the beggining, give you an idea of how my life is these days, since I know everyone wants to know...First of all, this is my first semester of college, at Eastern Arizona, and it has been the hardest and best of times. Lets talk about the hard times and then I will end on a good note with the best of times. So far from being here I have learned what its like to be alone. I know that sounds pathetic, but to a girl who thrives off of family and friend love, its been pretty tough not having people be obsessed with me every second of the day. I mean, high school was great and all, I guess you could say I had a name for myself, and I was proud of that name. And then when I came here, everything that I built was gone. And now this is where my sisters tell me " Well thats life Jack, time to grow up"... And I'm coming to terms with the whole 'moving on' thing, its just alot harder than I thought it would be. Speaking of moving on, I had a really 'close friend' of mine leave on a mission in May. It was heart breaking,painful, joyous, and it was a HUGE adjustment. But as with all hard things in life, it has made me stronger and better. But I am going to say this, I wish there was a book written on how to cope with having the boy your in love with leave on a mission...now that I think of it, I think I will write it! The whole freshman 15, has been pretty depressing too, My roomates feel the need to go out for ice cream as soon as its 12 am or later, I tell ya college kids have terrible eating habits. Finances have been a gift and a curse for me this semester, I was so happy I had left over scholarship money, but then I quickly found out I am not capable of managing large amounts of money. It results in un-needed trips back home, i pods, short lived hair extentions, fast food, and...ya that about sums up where it all went. And now that Im in the home stretch Im praying I can make rent...Needless to say I have plans to improve myslef in all of these aspects next semester...you live and learn right? And I have also discovered being a college cheerleader is not all that its cracked up to be. Ok now lets move on to why college has been great! I would have to say the best thing about being here is meeting new people, granted I havent been the biggest social butterfly (I have plans to change that also) , But the people I have met and been close with have had a lasting influence on my life. If there is any reason to be glad I came here, it would be for the wonderful people I have met. My roomates in particular...and my running partner. The firesides and devotionals are phenominal, They have a way of always touching my heart and reminding me why I'm important. They keep me going. And since the town I live in is quite small, I have developed an un-dying love for Wal-Mart, I don't know what it is but I love going there. I have learned that they have the best deals around, and Im sure that will help in the long run, when I have to shop frugally for my future family. And its not a bad gig to stay out however late you want, with zero consequences. I cant really think of any other profound things that I have changed me for the better since I have been here. But maybe thats just it, Its all the little things that are happening to me that are shaping me, and making me become the person I am supposed to be. I like to think of myself as a work in progress. I have plenty of things I need change and improve about myself, and Im quite glad I have the opportunity to do so. Life is somewhat of a blank slate for me right now, and I get to decide what I want the picture to look like. Thats empowering. Being on your own forces you to 'dig deep', as Chea would say, and for that lesson I am grateful. I'm finding out life isn't meant to be easy from here on out, in fact I can expect plenty more dissapointments, failing, upset, crying, phone calls home asking for the 'right' answers. But its how I teach myself how to react to these negative things that are going to ultimatley determine the strength within me. So if next semester is just as stressful and hard as this one, I still say give it to me, for learning how to succeed and overcome obstacles on my own, Its worth it.