Finals are over...and I'm still alive.

What a week. I dont think I have ever broken out like this on my face since I was 13. Stress, Stress and more stress. But I managed to get through. A's an B's. Im pretty proud. Now my new little challenge is my new job. I work at Verizon. Which is kinda a joke because I was the girl who walked into this store a year ago and told the sales agent trying to sell me a phone that I didnt know what the hell a mail in rebate was and to quit talking to me like I knew what one was. I'm a trip. So you can imagine how well I am doing adjusting to this job. Lots and LOTS of information. But I have this innate ability to fool people into thinking I am listening and picking up everything their laying down. So if anything I at least look good in the business attire and high heels. All in all, I really am grateful for this job. It came at a crucial time, and kinda sealed the deal that I needed to stay here in thatcher for another semester. Anyway the good news is it all came to an end. I survived another semester of school, and I did it without Hayden. And the next big hurdle is getting through spring without my Danni and Missy...that and being able to explain a mail in rebate to a customer.

These are my cute adorable roomates who I have come to love with all my heart!!!

A typical day after classes...Danni is so weird.

the post office is where 90% of my joy came from this semester

This is what I do...can you believe that they pay me to do this hahahahahhahaha!!

I'm so grateful for 6 months.

There is not too much to be said about what has happened since I have last blogged…hence no recent post. But I have decided that its time to celebrate yet another milestone, on thanksgiving Hayden had been out six months! I couldn’t have been more proud. Now at this point he is just serving a sister mission. 18 more months to go. Its crazy how fast this semester has gone by I can hardly believe I am taking finals next week. Plus 2 more weeks till I can talk to him. These past six months are so different than what my first semester was when I first attended EA. I mean Im in the same town, Im on the same cheer squad, I have most the same roommates, heck im even retaking some 101 classes. But the person I am is completely different. And for that I am extremely grateful. I used to be terrified of change, and scared that I was either doing too much of it or the wrong kind of it, but I am learning that change is growth. I try not to make all my posts about hayden, but he is such an example to me, and not to mention a huge blessing in my life. This whole experience of him being gone, started off so very bitter for me. I was very upset that I had to let go of something so meaningful to me. The last 6 months have come to show me that there were other blessings in store for me, blessings and experiences that wouldn’t have arrived without his absence. I was so terrified that him being gone meant he wouldn’t know me anymore or I wouldn’t be able to include him in my life. I was so wrong. I would say he is the person that is closest to me in my life. I am still able to tell him all my worries, my jokes, my plans, and stories. And the same for him. Every week I hear another story on a family they are teaching or how his testimony has grown is some new way. And It makes more and more sense every week why I met him, and why he is serving, and the role he still plays in my life . I still haven’t figured out what big mission I am supposed to accomplish while he is gone, but I think that’s the great beauty of it. I don’t feel like I have to accomplish something huge in order for him to come home and love me. Im pretty sure I am supposed to get close to being done with my bachelors…and maybe that’s it. Maybe school is supposed to be highest priority. Whatever it is, I’m ok with it. Yes I still cry every now and again, but I have finally accomplished a significant amount of time. 6 months, this is HUGE people! And even just looking back to last Christmas, I can hardly believe I was just moving back down here. It feels like last week. I know time really doesn’t move foreward any faster than it has the rest of your life, but I am sure grateful for the feeling of it moving faster. Im gonna go ahead and call it a Christmas Miracle…well at least its my own personal Christmas Miracle. Anyway, that is my little mini thought on these past few months, and an update on Hayden. Don’t miss me too much, im sure I will have many more interesting things to say after Christmas!

Hey everybody its October!!!

Well, I am pretty stoked that this month is October, because A. that means its fall, and B. this month Hayden hits 5 months gone. I havent really updated since I got down here, just cause I dont have the internet at my house, and to be really honest Im pretty occupied with school. I will sum things up though since august. Cheer has been treating me good, the games every weekend keep me busy. Some days I feel like a wash up though haha, its definitely time for me to retire some time soon. School, is pretty stressful and stress free at the same time. I really only have one math class that requires my full undivided attention every night in the library. I make sure that I stay on top of that at all times, because I dont have my tutor anymore to keep me going. As far as thatcher goes, I still love it. Its become a home to me. But the more the semester goes on the more me and Dan and Missy just laugh that were here. We feel like a bunch of creeps. Its just not the same place it was last semester, but I totally called that one. So its all good, we keep to ourselves and manage to still have fun down here. The future plans sound a little like this...get done what I can down here while Im still on scholarship, and then possibly trying out some Utah.

Anyway, as far as my sweet missionary goes he is doing great. no surprise there. I hear from him twice a week, in an email and in a letter. and I love that, I feel so blessed to still have him so close to me. I definitely have progressed these past couple of months, that dull aching pain in my heart has slowly subsided. Im not as emotionally torn up, I just take it a day at a time, and somehow I get through the days, I seriously cant believe I have finally arrived in October, I thought these days would never come!!There is still a hole in my heart, some days in the week it hits me hard, and I just wish I could talk to him, but I am doing my best. Im pretty sure that I wouldnt trade or re-arrange any of the experiences Im having now...ask me that in the summer and I wouldve punched you. But now It all feels pretty 'meant to be'. It helps to hear how much Hayden is growing, I can see the Lord working through him and changing him for the better, truly grateful for that, and because of that I could never wish that things would've worked out differently than they are now.

I do believe that sums up this semester so far. Not too bad eh? Time is ticking, and that makes me happy, and not only is this month the five month mark, but today is only 599 more days! Woop Woop!!!:)

Summer is FINALLY over!!

I am now back in thatcher! PERMANENTLY! Well for the semester that is, I have had cheer practice this whole past week for 4 hours a day, and let me tell you my body hurts in places that I didnt think you could hurt. Cheer is definetly going to kick my butt, and I say bring it on! The only downfall to being back to Thatcher is that no one is home yet, no one will show up for another 2 weeks, but its just cool to feel like I have got past my first milestone since Hayd left...my first summer with out him. Only one more summer, and then he will be home hahaha!!! So its been almost since 3 months that he has been out, and It looking back at it from May it has been emotional and extremely tiring, I could never do it again, I am glad that the initial pain and shock is slowly wearing down, cause man those were some rough 75 days, especially June...kill me! But what am getting at is that the way I am feeling and realizing now is that I on my way up. I can almost already smell Christmas, and from then out I feel like its cake. I remember in high school when I ran track and cross country, we would go out on long 4 and 5 mile runs, and freak did I dread them! But even worse than those were the track meets, running the mile was my enemy. But everytime I ran it, I would talk myself through the race. The gunshot that signified the start of the race always made me want to throw up, my body would always shake, kind of the same symptoms I had saying goodbye to Hayden. But as you run the mile its important to have somewhat of a strategy, you need to know how to fight for your spot, and keep up with the pack. Done and Done. I am in the pack, I'm at the point where I feel like I have a steady pace, and this is the part of the race where I tell myself ' Just breathe and Keep your pace'. I feel like I ya, the race has just began, but nonetheless Im in it. Time is ticking, and just like all things in life this wont last forever, it will end. Hayd told me that it will never again be two years, at this point its a year and 9 months, now doesn't that sound so much better:) My heart is full of intense gratitude, I am so lucky that summer didn't last forever, and that Heavenly Father doesn't leave us to struggle on our own. I am so blessed to have a scholarship at EA, or just EA in general, a place to go and have life experiences, its so nice to know that life goes on. As much as I hate that I am without him for 21 months, its nice to know that this is all happening for a reason. So yay for summer freakin ending, yay for growth, yay for EA (that rhymes), and yay for only 657 more days!!!!

My dear friend Danni.

Danni Power has been my roommate for all the 4 semesters of college that I have attended. I met her through my first and still best friend Missy. They both were at EA while I was still a senior in high school. In the fall of 08 we moved into a real nice trailer mansion, we didn't have that instantly 'clicked' friendship, I was nice to Danni she was nice to me. Once november rolled around, me Danni Missy Julie and Kalie, all found ourlselves another apartment to move into because the trailer mansion was in fact a trailer dump. It was at Apartment B that Danni and I did our real building of our friendship. The two of us shared a room, and it was in that room that we would share as many clothes and perfumes as possible, stand on top of our beds and sing to Carrie Underwood, creep on people, we would climb in and out of our 3 foot window, I spent countless hours watching Danni get ready in the morning, I occasionally would make her toast, it was in apartment B that Danni became my close friend. I went through a real rough period spring semester, and Danni was there for me. If I wanted to just be left alone, she left me alone, and when it was time for me to talk she knew how to approach me. I could tell her everything I was feeling and there was never any judgment, only someone who was hoping to console me. I can honestly say that without her understanding personality I wouldnt have got through that time without her. Yes, its true most of our fun times were spent in the apartment, but Danni was the one who taught me how to go and "chill" at institute and watch the boys play basketball. She taught me how to eat Dairy Queen at 10 o clock at night and not feel bad about it, She taught me that its ok to withdraw from classes,by her being the most carefree and layed back chick I know, it somehow rubbed off on me. I learned not to be so picky, overly analytical, and dependent on what people thought of me. She was an awesome example of do what you want! We always joke that Danni is really a hippie at heart, I have so many more memories of this girl! Too many to name, I can always count on her, last fall I would call Danni at least twice a week to beg her to come back to EA with me, I promised her it would be fun and well worth it! And I didnt lie, she finally gave in and decided to go back with me, and in our Spring semester we grew even closer than before! Partly because our room was 4 by 4, but thats beside the point. We had a blast, it was during this semester that she went from being Danni my lovable reliable friend, to Dan my best friend who can one day be my kids god mother. this next Fall, is coming pretty fast, its something Im pretty nervous for, but everyday I remind myself I will have Danni to go back with me, and I cant help but feel like she is such a blessing, I have a best friend who was also a best friend to my boyfriend! It doesnt get better than that, because that means she understands what I am going through when I miss him, she will let me reminisce, she will let me cry, and she will help my heart heal. I really have been blessed to have her, Dan lets me know when I am being a brat, she would let me tell her every morning that I was prettier than her, she lets me act like the child I am, and I can almost always count on a cheap laugh out of her, and If I want to make a sonic run for the fourth time in the day she is always down! A best friend doesnt get better than her, Happy 21st Birthday week Dan! Sorry I cant spend it with you:( I love you!!!

LeTtEr DaY!!!!

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are." — Marjorie Pay Hinckley

What a beautiful quote, and I stole it off of someones status on facebook. But its stinkin true!! Today was such a great day for me, not only did Hayd email but I had two letters waiting for me at Cheas! Im not gonna lie I was a bit bummed out by his email, it was pretty short but his 2 long letters completely lifted my spirits and made up for it!! But it just kinda showed me that there are going to be weeks that his emails will be short, and I am going to have to remain strong and keep my faith in remembering that he does love me no matter what. I stumbled upon some chicks blog today and she wrote about how her missionary couldnt write her for 5 months! I think I would punch myself in the face if that was me! I honestly dont know if I could do that! After today I just cant stop marveling at how lucky I was to date Hayden, and everything he still tells me and how much he still believes in me, I cant help but feel so blessed to have him. Has anyone see P.S I love you, well in some sick twisted way I feel like Hilary Swank. His letters are so heart warming and uplifting and they always seem to come on the days that I need them most. Like on my birthday he had his brother text me happy birthday and just check in to see how I was holding up on behalf of Hayd. He cares so much! I have never met someone with such a big heart as him! A little dramatic, but me and Dan joke all the time that we feel like Hayd is either dead or at war, it doesnt feel like he is on the mish. So when I hear from him, I take a deep breath and feel so grateful that he is happy and well. I am going to have to post one of the letters he 'drew' for me. It was 3 letters taped together and it was a complete map of our 'ranch/home' in Idaho, it was so freakin hilarious and precious all at once! He had it detailed all way down to an air strip on our property so I could fly home to AZ and visit family anytime I wanted, there was also a small cottage built for family to stay at when they visited, and of course it wouldn't be complete with out a private lake. Seriously, it was to die for! So funny! Well his letters have definitely been the highlight of this week, and I feel so blessed. Its incredible how much of a different person I feel this time around, I feel so much more sure of where I am supposed to be headed with my life, and am more sure of who I am, and as much as it hurts to have him gone, its nice not to feel completely lost on who I am, I already did all that discovering within these past 2 years.These two years will be for me to grow more into the woman I am supposed to be and discover the kind of mom I want to be. The timing of everything that has come to pass is impeccable, everything has worked out exactly the way it was supposed to, and will continue to do so, and because I have that knowledge and confidence I can read that quote up top and completely understand and embrace it. the next year and 10 months wont be a rat race and as frantic as they will be a 'refinement' and sheer opportunity for me to grow more comfortable into the girl I already am.

To a girl who knows how to party!

Meet my niece Jessica. She is 2 years younger than me, and comes pretty darn close to the girl who doesn't have a worry in the world. This is a girl who texts me the most outrageous things that make me die laughing. When I asked her today if I had any mail at the house, she texted me back a letter came saying I won one million dollars. And on my birthday she asked me if I was going to be in town so she would know whether or not my surprise party was still on. She is too goofy. And I absolutely love the fact that she is jobless, gives her all 24 hours in the day to be on facebook to write creepy comments and talk to me!!! She is great, if you want a laugh hit her up, and if you have any job openings she is your girl!

For my Birthday:

One plane ticket to Guatemala please.

Good things to Come.

Today was church, and I went. I think when I go to church alone thats when I feel the spirit the strongest, I can reflect the best that way. Just sitting there singing the sacrament hymn I have to fight back tears. And I think its probably the only time in the week that my heart and mind is quiet enough for Heavenly Father to be able to send the spirit to comfort me. Especially today, I went to church because not only has it been a while, but I knew that I needed some peace and by taking the sacrament I knew I could find that. And I did. And on top of church I watched a 'Mormon message' at LDS.org, Good-Things-to-Come

Watch it, The last part of the video Elder Holland urges us with encouraging words, saying "dont you quit, keep walking, keep trying", and I feel like that was just what I needed, its just what we all need to hear every now and again. I have been feeling pretty weak lately, I was telling Hayden that I don't feel like I have a whole lot left, I feel like it all got beat out of me when he left, and everyday there is still a good solid punch to my stomach in the morning when I remember that he isn't here. And its not like this is the first hard thing in my life that I have had to overcome, but it is a different kind of hard than what I am acquainted with. Nothing has ever been as heart wrenching and emotionally tiring as this. But I am so lucky I am emailing the king of positive and 'nothing is impossible'. Between what he sends me every week, and my prayers, I am coming to find that Im gonna make it. That even though its feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is thousands of miles on down, I know its there. I have known for a long time that this was going to be hard, I made the decision to do this, and everything that is to come in the next couple of months will not be a coincidence, I know that I am going to encounter more hard times as school starts, I will find new problems, but I am starting to realize all the blessings and resources that I have as I keep on going. I have amazing roommates to help me every day, I will have Cheer to keep me striving for something, I have an enormous Mormon population to keep me active:) haha, school that will make me struggle ( a blessing in disguise, because struggling= distraction), and my letters from Hayden. So I guess its really not all that bad, someone very handsome and sweet once told me that nothing good in your life has come with out pain. And if that's not enough to lift you up I don't know what is. And I know that to be true because I literally cant think of a thing in my life that is good that I didnt have to fight for, or go through a type of pain before I received it.

MY DANCE CAMP!!!

Tell anyone and everyone, who lives in the Gila Valley about this!!!! It is so much fun, and any little girl will love it!! Click on the picture to read the details!:)

T-Town

This is right after cheer tryouts, me and Dan went down to the temple to relax.

This is my girl!!!!

Writing down all our memories of last semester, she tried to go from january on down to may, but my memory is actually pretty terrible, I just remember that I fell in love:).

R.I.P Spring Semester '10

This past weekend were cheer tryouts, and Yes I made the team. YAY! Im a gila monster again, lets just hope I try and stop being one before Im 25. Im actually really excited to be on this team just because its so big and there is actually a fair amount of talent on the team. So my cheer life can now begin, I have to start earning money to go to cheer camp, and 2 weeks before school starts we have practices. As my coach was telling me all of these details I got kind of excited, because I thought "this just might be able to consume me". And as you can tell from my previous posts I need to fill some voids.

Anyway, so as I went down to Thatch for the first time since school ended I felt super apprehensive, it was so weird walking around my house and it being completely empty, and even weirder knowing that there was nobody in the town. My room was still the same, actually cleaner (thank you Danni), the bathroom still smelt the same, the fridge still had my same jug of water that I chug out of, but it really did almost feel eerie. But after having some good talks with Danni about the future and what we wanna do, we decided that its best not to try and recreate what last semester was. Nothing will ever come close to being as fun, we wont meet any people to replace the ones we met, but I decided that I am going to just accept the fall semester as it comes, and do my best not to reminese too much. What I want more than anything is to just be able to still be me, to still be able to laugh and be loud and have fun with all the people that I meet without any hesitation and stay single through it all, is that asking too much? But having already written a missionary before I am coming to find out it was a gift and a curse. I look at everything I have gone through and become because of it and there is no way that I will not be an unchanged person when Hayd comes home, and Im doing my best to just accept that, No matter how fun last semester was, or how many great memories I have, or how much I feel in my heart that I love Hayden, thats not enough to keep me the same person with the same feelings when he comes home. It just isn't, thats not enough for anyone. And I will even venture to say that its impossible. But I look at what I did with my first missionary and it wasn't until the year and a half mark that I finally allowed myself to start having fun and really embracing the things I liked I and wanted to do, and thats when I was happiest. Its like I didnt have a worry this past semester, I wasnt the least bit worried about making friends or trying to be known for something, but thats when I made the most friends. I dont want to skip a beat with Haydens absence I want to be able to jump right in to being happy and progressing, because I know thats what he would want for me. My sister said it best to me the other day, the first missionary took two years from me, and Hayden is giving me two years.

And so this brings me to point B, what am I going to do with myself? That has become a very daunting question, and to be honest with you I think it is for any 21 year old girl, reguardless of where you are or what your circumstances are. I look at my good friend Danni, and she is just as lost as me when it comes to deciding what comes from life after EA. She doesn't know if she should come back to EA for the 'one more' semester or get brave and leave AZ all together, but I told her what ever she does make sure that she knows she is moving forward. Thats how I know that I don't want to come back to the mesa area when I am all done in Thatcher. But its still pretty scary business getting the guts to make a move. Whether it be deciding to go on a mission or applying to a univeristy, both make me sweat.

Anyway so about putting spring semester to rest, Im going to put all my memories into a folder, a very special folder that is, one with sparkles and hearts drawn on it, and keep living my life with a positive mindset and spazy demeanor that I have had, and on the days that are hard and that I miss Hayden I will pull out that sparkly folder and let myself remember one special memory, possibly cry a little, maybe write hayden a letter telling him about my day, pray for him and then carefully put the memory back, and think of all the opportunities that are still awaiting me and just how happy the future can be... And if this doesnt help me get through my days then I am flying my butt down to Guatemala. No questions asked.

WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! I'm exhausting.

Editors Note: Im not a very personal person, so read with caution, Im an open book. Some of my views, opinions, analogys, may offend you. Continue on if you can accept me for me:)

Well Its been almost 2 weeks, and 3 since I last saw him. My heart still aches first thing in the morning, and falls asleep to memories every night. GOLLY! This is so hard! I feel like this time around things are so different, I dont feel like a young, vulnerable 18 year old barely entering college. I feel like a spitfire 21 year old who knows what she wants, and is a little pissed it just go taken from her, but also underneath it all I can feel the massive learning experience that is erupting. This is by far one of the most faith-trying experience I have ever had. Everyday the feelings and emotions are so tangible, and I can actually feel myself make the conciseness decsion of whether or not I am going to let my feelings of despair ruin my day, or whether I am going to tell my Heavenly Father that I trust Him and have faith that things will get better. Its so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, fills me with alot of doubt when I let my mind sit on it too long, but I have felt the love that comes from faith, and the peace that comes from prayer. And I am also realizing that as I am still mourning and still trying to let these fresh wounds heal, that I am still going to cry and thats ok. I was telling Missy the other day, Im scared to death of going back to my room in Thatcher, where Danni wont be on her bed, and Hayden wont be barging in anytime soon. Its a real lonley feeling, and I am finding out that the more I just cry it out and aknoweldge how I am feeling, the days get progressively better, and it does help that Haydens letters are so him, he still cracks me up (and Im not saying that just because he was my boyfriend, he really is freakin hilarious) and he is so positive and real about everything, its not like he is sending me a slew of scriptures to read, his letters sound like how he would speak to me, dry, sweet, full of advise tinged with sarcasm, not like a sermon.

I remember that someone once told me that when your going through a trying time, the answer to your prayer isnt just going to come to you one day, and its almost never going to come in the form that you want it. But the answers and peace that you need is going to come through other people, they told me that you have to listen closely to what others say to you because what they have to say could be just what you needed to hear that day. And that happened Saturday when I saw my roomate Aimee at a shower, she too has a missionary who has been out for 10 months and she knows all too well the pain I am experiencing. Just her hug was enough to make me feel at peace and comforted. All the relating she did with me made me a bit weepy but helped me feel normal, and I felt a little bit better just conversing with her. And I find that to be a true blessing , thats how He reaches us in the times we need Him most. And again it happend last night as I was talking to my best friend Jenna on the phone, we are in quite opposite positions (she is married) but what she had to say helped shed some logic on my situation. I have been worrying alot about the future and marriage and how it will all work out according to what I want, and she said that I dont need to worry that in the end its all up to me. So that if something happens that I dont like, or if I date someone that I dont like its my job to stop it, Im never going to have to feel 'fated' into something, that everything we do is up to us, including who we marry. It wasnt chosen previously who we are supposed to marry. And thats probably common sense to alot you, but to me I needed to hear that in a different way for it to really hit home, and again that was a blessing.

So, yes this summer is going to be a bit hard, my heart is going to be in pain, but no this is not going to be a forever lasting thing, and yes I can keep progressing if I allow myself to. Can I get an Amen??

Idaho!!!

Like it or not summer is here.

Its here...the day that I dreaded so badly has come, and knocked me down. Let me tell you just because I have gone through this before does not make this pain any less. If anything the pain that I remembered having as an eighteen year old, left all alone as her missionary left has only grown. That empty pit in my stomach is bigger, I feel like someone has found more of my guts to rip out of me, I have a hundred times the amount of tears to cry, but worst of all I get to go through this in the exact place I did 2 years ago, right here in Queen Creek...its like some type of sick deja vu. Kill me.

I said goodbye to my perfect Hayden Tuesday at the Boise Airport at 3pm, and I have never felt more scared in my life. He walked me in holding my hand and bags, helped me get my boarding pass, waited for me to go to the bathroom, and right before I went through security we kissed goodbye for what could be the last time. it was short and sweet, I didnt want to cry too many tears in front of him becuase thats all I had been doing for the past 48 hours. But as soon as he left, i tried my best not to look back and watch him walk away, and I wiped away as many tears as I could as I gave my drivers liscence to the security check lady.

I think I want to back up now, and talk about the perfect 6 days I got to spend in Boise. Definetely a once in a lifetime experience. I mean the drive up there alone was enough to be a milestone (17 grueling hours in his explorer). We left at 4 am wednesday morning, and we drove all day through Nevada till we finally reached Boise at 8 or 9 at night. And the trip up there consisted of very few bathroom breaks, which is remarkable for me, a passing through Las Vegas, lunch in no-where ville, small rainstorms, Hayden trying his best to bug me, one long fight put on by me, Hayden singing loudly and not nailing a single word in any song for about an hour, and voila! We finally hit Idaho...lots of farm land at first, and he drove me the scenic way, showed me the Snake River, which was huge enough to be a lake in my Arizonian book. We drove about 20 minutes through Boise and every house I saw in this town looked like it was pulled right out of a story book, everything in this town was either on a hill or surrounded by giagantic trees. It was breathtaking. And then we began to drive out of the city and into some bigger hills and I saw a sign that said 4 miles to Hidden Springs, thats his neighborhood. Hayden pulled into a dirt drive way with a huge white picket fence that covered acres and acres of green grass, this house had a HUGE pond in front, and the house looked like the freakin White House...needless to say I refused to get out of the car. He said casually were home, shut off the car, and opened his door...and for a split second I thought this really could be it, but he had a stupid smirk on his face that gave him away. Praise the heavens, my boyfriend is not filthy rich, just rich:) Anyway he pulled into a real neighborhood up the road And I thought Boise looked like a fairytale, but this place was insane. Hidden Springs is a neighborhood with a Mercantile, a fire station, a couple small family businesses and a school. So freakin cute.

We pulled up to his house, and as I watched him walked into his house, it all came together. A part of him I hadnt seen, a part of him that was missing finally came together, He was home. I got to see him in his element, I loved watching him interact with his family, the way he hugged his dad, and the way he teased his little brothers, it was perfect and beautiful. I am so glad I went up there, I cant imagine not going. The first night we stayed in his house, it just felt safe. I wasnt nervous and scared like I had imagined I wouldve been. Everyone in his family was so nice to me, and as the days went on I felt closer and closer to everyone. They were so down to earth, and not to mention all so funny. The six days I spent up there flew by, he took me around and introduced me to tons of different people, showed me his high school, his elementary school, his old house, I met his grandparents, he drove me up to a town called McCall, took me to down town Boise, he showed me so much!

Now I have to be completely honest my last two days there I got a little bit weepy, I could just look at him and it was enough to make me cry. I knew exactly what was coming...the end was. At night I would just hold him as tight as I could, I would squeeze his cheeks and say 'you're still real! We are still real', and I am so glad I did, because now that I am back in Arizona, my life is going to take a different direction, one that doesnt involve him, and he is no longer 'real'. Just like that its done. Right before I left his house, it was pouring rain, very fitting for the occasion, his dad called haydens cell phone and asked to talk to me, His dad told me that it was good to meet me, he told me I could come back and stay anytime:) and that right there was enough to make me choke up, but I think the best was when he was driving me to the airport, and I was trying so hard to be strong not to let all my tears take up our last precious moments. And thats when he started singing Veggie Tales at the top of his lungs, and incredibly off key...I began to bawl. Thats my Hayden, so sweet and childlike, would do anything to make anyone smile, and I knew I wouldnt get to hear him sing like that for a long time.

Im not all emotional because I wont get to see him for 2 years, whats irking me the most is who we are going to be in 2 years. Thats where I am most pissed off at. Chea already informed me there is 3% success rate of girls who actually marry their missionary they sent off, not very promising. And I know very well from firsthand experience that 2 years shapes you into someone else, and Hayd tells me all the time that he has zero expectations for me and him...Cool, (I mean that very dryly...THIS IS SO GAY!). But as I am learning everyday, nothing is going to change, regaurdless Hayden is going on a mission wednesday, I am going to be in Queen Creek for 2 and a half months, and no matter how hard I cry It wont bring me back him, and I wont be able to reverse me falling in love with him...all that has happend is done and over with, and I cant change what is. Me being angry at all the 'what if's' will only drown me, and I feel it everyday, I have to fight the urge to not think about losing Hayd forever. I cant even think about the future without my stomach turning, and so Im not going to. Im just going to look as far as tomorrow goes, and do my best to be happy because thats what he would want me to do.

Hayden told me on our trip up to Idaho, that its my job to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for comfort. And I said I dont want to get over you, so I dont want to pray yet. But he said that I dont have to pray to get over him, I just have to pray to get through everything. And that was just what I needed to hear. He told me that getting through this could mean a number of different things, and that I just need to have faith. And so everyday that I wake up now, the first thing I think is that Heavenly Father wont put me through anything I wont be able to handle, and He obliviously thought I could handle sending off a second missionary and that it serves a purpose other than heartache. Just keep moving forward, and not getting sucked into sad feelings is my major goal this summer, if that means running my butt off again, or throwing myself into 3 jobs, so be it! I have done hard things before, its just reminding myself how to fight again is all this is.

That someone better has finally come along...Part Two

Editors Note: this post was a 'two day' post started at 1 am yesterday and continued today, so the ideas and feelings are kind of all over the place....just bear with me as I use this blog as a coping technique:)

What do you do when the person who just barely entered your life, has moved in with a bang, changed your heart, gave you a brand new perspective, and just in the blink of an eye they are gone.

Tell me this...How do I train my heart to not remember him?How do I change my thoughts in the morning from being 'I wonder when I will see him today' to I am not going to see him at all for a very long time...

I see Hayden every single day and at least half of my day is given to him. We both go to class first thing in the morning, and I can usually expect a text from him at 10 saying 'you in math', I think he just making sure I am there, learning what I need to learn. Afterwards a few of us always go to lunch, and then I am back off to class, sometimes he is too, and I can always count on seeing his explorer at my house as I turn the corner on to my street. Some days I get so excited, i run home. And the rest of the day is ours, we have spent hundreds if not thousands of hours together. Playing down at the river, riding quads, sleepovers, long walks early in the morning, in the library doing homework, on my couch doing homework, at his house doing homework, at sonic getting my third soda of the day, fighting on my living room floor, eating R and R Pizza, countless bonfires, swimming at the EA pool, and going to church. If Thatcher Arizona doesnt scream Hayden Richards to me I dont know what does. I will say I am a bit apprehensive to what I will feel when he is gone and I am still here in memory lane.

This brings me to my next point, a point that is so crucial, and why he is so different and perfect for me. Hayden doesnt expect me to wait. At first I think this bothered me, actually I know it bothered me. I like to think that I am the type of person who needs someone to be in crazy love with me, and given the attention hog that I am this is partially true, I have always asumed that when I was in love again it would defintely be the boy falling for me first, the boy telling me first, the boy just absolutley adoring me...and well with Hayd things are a little different. He cares about me, no questions asked, he is incredibly giving and full of charity, I know he would bend over backwards to do anything for me, but this boy is different. I am pretty sure he was put in my life to teach me some pretty crucial lessons that no one else in this life would have been capable of doing, or patient enough of doing (cause I am pretty sure many family members of mine have tried to teach me these things countless times). Hayden will tell me like it is, ok for instance back to the 'no expectations of me waiting'...He sees our relationship as a growing opportunity reguardless of what becomes of us, from the get go, he begged me to give it a shot purely just for the reason that we could make memories together, nothing more! He just wanted a friend to spend his last couple of months with, he said 'wouldnt it be cool to walk in a room and I would know that just by the way you looked at me that I was yours, that I was a step above all the other guys'. And I swear to you I didnt understand one bit of where he was coming from...wanna know why?? Well its because all of what he was saying was SANE, and RATIONAL!!! I have always thought love or relationships was a game to be played and won. I just am competitive, and feel like there needed to be an upperhand, that you are supposed to keep yourself gaurded, but as I am finding out thats not at all what it is about. Its about sharing yourlself with them, combining 'teams' to make a one stronger than you are alone. This has been a hard concept for me, just because when it comes to admitting weaknesses and asking for help Im not your poster child. I get mad, try and hide it and tell him I will take care of it on my own. He has told me that when you love and care for someone you share your weaknesses with eachother, no need to be embarrassed of them, and best of all its ok to have them. And as I am coming to realize, no matter what I tell him he is going to accept me. This boy is sweet, loving, spontaneous, bright, and above all logical. And if were all lucky some of his practicality will rub off on me.

We have already talked about what is going to happen when he leaves, and basically were not going to hold on to something that doesnt need to be held on to. Its like an awesome concert you go to, you have the time of your life, as the last song plays you wish it wouldnt, but its not like you think to yourself 'Im never going to leave this place, Im pitchin a tent here in this amphitheater'....you eventually go home, and you tell anyone and everyone just how awesome it was, and try and look for other amazing concerts to go to. It makes no sense to me to force and re-play old memories, it makes no sense to me to write a letter every week. I want to tell all girls who have sent a missionary off or who are about to, that its ok to turn the corner, its ok to let your life go on without wondering or dwelling on the past. It doesnt demean what you have, it just means that you have faith that you are where your supposed to be and that Heavenly Father has a plan for you with or without your missionary in your life. Dont fight it either, be open to change, be open to new people, new opportunitues, because if your too busy trying to 'remember' him an what you had, you wont progress and become the woman you need to be. Have faith that what is happening is all part of the plan. I can't tell you how much of my first year of college I wish I could re-do, all the analyzing and stunting of my growth I wish i could take back. I wasted valuable days, and I am so grateful that I know not to do that again, and that I have such a level headed person who encourages me to do so. He encourages me to go have fun, keep learning, and progressing, let our goodbye be goodbye, and move foreward with ourselves.

Sometimes I am baffled at how mature his thinking is for just a little 19 year old boy, he seems so much older than me in every possible way. How did I get so lucky?!

10 Reasons

Here are ten reasons why I will never forget Hayden:

1. He calls me 'babe', usually super gay, but coming from him it means everything to me

2. he sings me 'dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like mine' to me daily

3. he ate a flower after he named reasons he liked me for every petal

4. he is patient enough to help me with my math homework, now that is a strong characteristic

5. he lets me get his blackheads, and doesnt scream too loud when I squeeze too hard

6. every single text I get from him has at least one smiley face

7. he doesnt have the slightest idea on how to have a bad day

8. he is taking me to Idaho

9. he can talk with my brothers and I can leave the room...gasp!

10. he cant dance, but thinks he can.

True Love:):):):):)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is me hurting Hayden, I am a little bit buffer than him, but he deals with it.
By far the sexiest missionary I have ever seen!

About once a day we have a throw down, dont let these fool you, I usually give him a run for his money.

A few good times...

Me, Danni and Hayd at the Easter Pageant. Hayden and Danni hadn't been privileged enough to ever see one, but I was nice enough to take them.

Here is us at the Hoover Dam...still not too sure what is so fantastic about this place, but Hayden insisted that we stop and adore.
Here is the worlds cutest couple in the dirtiest city...we had fun:)
And the four best looking people in temple square, we got into all of saturdays sessions, it was perfect!

That someone better has finally come along.

Well I just came to take a peak at my blog for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months, and I read my last post. Very ironic. Because today I am going to blog about how awesome the healing process is coming along.

Let me clear something up first...In no way was I devastated or completley heart broken, I just knew that what I was feeling inside wasn't healthy, and that it was time for me to finally get myself together and move forward...fearlessly. And so that is exactly what I did as I headed back down to school in Thatcher. I was so happy to be back, and still am! This place is my home...not forever, but it is a wonderful stand in. I have had so many opportunities to grow here, every single day I wake up, I thank Heavenly Father for softening my heart and directing me back to this place, I know that I would not be nearly as happy of a person somewhere else. As many of you know, I have kept cheering, and that was the primary reason for returning, but has definelty just turned out to be a perk to an otherwise already picture perfect semester.

Before I returned to EA, I couldnt stress enough to everyone how positive I would not meet anyone that I would be remotely attracted to let alone date, so I was completley positive that this semester was gonna be all about ME!! No worries about boys, or anything relating to that area. Because first of all its Thatcher, I am absolutley positive I didnt want to settle down with anyone who wanted to stay put in such a place, so that took out a good 40% of the males down there, and I am pretty sure the other 59% are weirdo's who just creep you out, and are from towns such at Belin, St. Johns, Snowflake...lovely people, just not headed in the direction I would want to be. And so, that leaves me with a percentage of one....it was the percentage I didnt even bother with beacuse I was positive that this semester at EA was just to relax, be me, have fun, and I guess knock out a few classes.Something I didnt let myself do last year. Basically, this small chance of me meeting someone was so overlooked and quite frankly I considered impossible.

I didnt calculate the chance that there would be a sweet loving boy from Boise, Idaho, here for me to meet and that he would be just what I needed at this time in my life.

That just goes to show that Heavenly Father has plans that are bigger than us... He is aware of our circumstances, and no matter how well we think we know ourselves, and try to dictate our everyday lives, we are powerless to His plan.

This is all not to say that things started out smoothly between me and Hayden (BTW, his name is Hayden). I think I remember saying to my cousin the first time I met him that he was super gay, in short I thought this boy and me will clash. I think mostly because we are both attention loving people, and he might have been stepping into my spotlight (promise I am not concieted). Anyway, he kept coming around, as a bunch of friends we would all go to lunch, I remember several nights wrestling the crap out of him, and one night I actually punched him in his face...he left quite upset, but needless to say the next day he still came around. He fixed my car when I didnt have the slightest clue why the steering wheel made an awful noice, he laughed at me when I got a ridiculous spray on tan, told me he was going to pee in my laundry if i left it at his house, would rudely tell me to 'kennel up' when I would talk a little bit louder than everyone else in the house, he made me feel ridiculously stupid for ACCIDENTLY kissing him, and a couple days later embarrassed the crap out of me in front all our friends by unexpectedly kissing me goodbye as if it was completely normal. And best of all he would tell how big of a brat I was all the time. After all of this I began to fall...romantic right? fighting, peeing in laundry, telling me I'm a brat...He was just right for me.

With Hayden there was never any pretending, I am who I am and he takes it. He doesn't tell me I need to change certain parts about myself. Is anyone else seeing the irony to this situation? Hayden is exactly what I needed right now. I needed to meet someone who could love me for me, someone to show me that its ok to have imperfections and flaws. Because I know all too well how it feels to constantly be trying to change myself for someone, I have always been a people plesaser, its a super counter productive attribute to have, not to mention it will make you crazy! I turned myself inside out trying to be a 'perfect enough' girl for a very long time, and I havent ever felt so relieved and content as I do now...since I have met someone who tells me everyday that I am perfect as I am now, who doesnt have unrealistic expectations for me. Now I'm not saying Me and Hayd are head over heels for eachother, or that I am ready for round 2 in the whole mission waiting game, but I am saying that I am incredibly grateful that I have met someone who was able to show me that I'm ok, Im worth something reguardless of my intensily crazy side.

May 26 (His departure date) is gonna come pretty fast. No matter how much I hate it, I wake up every morning and wish it wasn't a new day, one less day I have with a new best friend. He is going to head on his way to Guatemala, I'll continue on with school. Before both of us know it, it will be six months later and were barely a recent memory...I think that is the hardest part for me, that things could happen so fast, he could mean so much and BAM just like that those days are gone. It wont change that he shaped me for the better, and that he was a catalyst to molding a new part of me, its just going to be a hard pill to swallow. But I think its a little to late in the game for me to try and protect myself, or pretend I dont care for him just for the sake of me not getting too attached. I decided that I am going to look at it as a tiny miracle, be grateful for it as its happening, and don't get too pissed off as it slowly dissappears. Bottom line is someone else is in control, and If I do what I am supposed to I will keep getting blessed with these tiny miracles, and maybe better at letting people go.

Ok, now I am going to go to the bathroom and bawl for an hour.