The curve ball.

How do you start the story that begins with every dream you ever had coming true. How do you begin that tender story?

Humbled. Deeply Humbled.

My last post I left you all with the Quote from Elder Holland. "Some blessings come soon, some come late...but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ THEY COME".

And he came. Hayden came back.

Just when my heart stopped aching over him, just when he stopped being my secret prayer, when I finally started to find my new identity aside from him... He found me. It is so cliche, but the only thing I can think of when I think of mine and his love story is that God is aware of us. He wants his children happy. And we all know Hayden made me happy. I am so blessed to have him back. It was great being the strong bitter girl who got broken up with, the girl who was going to conquer the world with all her spite...but I must say its good to just be in love. Its good to be back, I missed telling my blog audience how much I love him, and how I couldn't wait to start a life with such a perfect man. Reality. That is now my reality. I couldn't be in more love, or more happy with exactly how my life has played out. The hurt I felt all seems like centuries ago. His mission is like some crazy dream, I cant believe I wrote him for as long as I did. And thats one of the beautiful perks, is that were different people. Were older, he is certainly more mature, we have new visions, the two of us were able to experience life changing things while we were apart...but those things have now bonded us. I wouldn't be the Jackie I am today without those 8 months of hurt. And Hayd wouldn't be who he is without being so completely engulfed in the last 6 months of his mission, and he needed this summer to discover what was important to him. Again, not exactly my time table. But God knows whats up.

My decision to pick up and move forward with Hayden was one that taught me to forgive, and Him coming back to me consisted of eating the worlds biggest humble pie. Cause lets be honest, my family was a little less than thrilled when I told them the initial news, and no one was ready to give a "welcome back" hug. But I was. I have always known it was him. Even when everyone told me he wasn't. When no one believed we could wait for each other, I still had faith. Hayden is my own miracle. The miracle I never knew I needed, he has changed my life in too many important ways. And he does it in unsuspecting ways. So typical him. He LOVES surprises. And Im pretty sure I have a life full of those with him. Subtlety isnt exactly his specialty. But that is why I love him. He isn't main stream.  He would break my heart, confirm it, and then come crawling back, and a month and a half later ask me to marry him. were a match though. Because I will, without hesitance, jump on board.

So Im sure you gathered the gist of what has happened. Were in love, and were getting married!!!! I seriously am the luckiest girl in the world to get to spend the rest of my life with someone as crazy as I am, someone who rivals my funnies, someone with abnormal amounts of drive, someone so naturally smart and someone who I know will never stop loving me. He is going to always take care of me, and its my favorite that he isnt scared of my arthritis. cause to me its quite freaky, but he still sees someone strong, someone who will fight, and he believes in me.  He is what we call the package, people. Everyday I spend with him is like coming home, soft and sweet, it was all worth the wait and pain.

So mark your calendars, January 19. Here comes the bride!!!!!!!!!

Summer update: some vacations, some heartache, some new plans, you know the usual.

So, basically this summer was the summer of me and my nieces. We laugh all the time that we dont have any friends, and that we only have eachother. It could be worse. Anyway, we went everywhere from California to the mountains, but most of our road trips were spent going up the road to QT. one more reason were losers.

Im kinda sad I didnt have one single post during summer, thats not to imply it wasnt a good one. Just that I didnt have anything worthy to say. Did alot of swallowing. and now that that over, im ready to get down to business. Im alive. Im happy. Im forgiving. Im kicking butt.

Some days i feel like the first video, and thats okay sometimes you need to bleed a little love but once im done bleeding out all that love, I feel super light headed, and then I remember to turn my swagger on and I feel like this video. And if you didnt watch the full 4 minutes of Pretty Girl Rock, you cheated. go back and finish it.

Today Casey called me on his lunch break, the two of us are pretty good at complaining to eachother. Its just nice to talk to someone and not have a filter. So we get all of our negative feelings out and then hang up. Im not sure if we really even listen to eachother, its just the comfort of having someone to vent to. Well today he started out some big long negative theory on why his life sucked, and then he was like 'i know its not that bad, I have a job and a wife, and its not like Im missing an eye or a leg...' and then he just stopped and we both busted up laughing. And all of a sudden we couldnt complain anymore. Cause thats just it. We both have healthy bodies. We have jobs. We have plenty of people surrounding us who love us. End of story. Life is good.

Its been so easy lately to get upset, or discouraged. My body has aged like 40 years in the past six months. It makes it hard to do the things I love, hell it makes it hard to just walk down the stairs. And aside from that I have been working through a shit ton of heartache. But perspective is everything. Simplicity is where its at. Gratitude and forgiveness can heal any situation.

At the end of the day Im glad I have swollen fingers, at least I have fingers. Im glad my heart hurts so badly, it means something beats inside of me, I know how to love, Im glad im confused about what route to take with school, it means I am determined to get a degree, Im glad I spend too much money, it means I look cute everyday.

there is so much to be said about dissapointment and relying on Gods timetable. It truly is a miraculous and amazing thing. And the coolest part is that He never fails. Elder Holland said 'Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some dont come until heaven, but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ they come'.

So theres my little 2 cents/what I have learned this summer. I am the biggest work in progress. I never would have guessed this part of my life. It is playing out oh so very differently than what I had pictured. But you know what? Its still beautiful.

Summer begins.

So, Im here. Im back. It feels really good. I am so relieved. Its all over. Finished out the semester with good grades, passed all my finals, the 24 hour flu didnt kill me, and Utah is behind me.

Im still processing just what the hell I am going to do with my life next. But like I said I feel relieved, a certain peace has come with being back home. I kid you not, the sunshine helps me think more clearly.

I am still in limbo right now though, it feels like Im on vacation, like being in Arizona is 'play time', except for thats going to end real quick. I moved back into Wendy's, this time I unpacked ALL my bags, hung my clothes up, and Im actually going to treat this place like my new home. I have decided that I am going to do everything opposite as to what I would usually do. And the old Jackie wouldnt unpack. She would live out of suitcases. The old Jackie would also shy away from a full time job, and say absolutely not to part time school. She also would hate the idea of Arizona State University. Well, I'm looking for new results in my life. So that means changing, adjusting, trying new things, things that initially suck. But Im ready for it. Its scary to be back. So scary. I still cant see myself into the future, I used to be a pro at that. But everything starts to look foggy after next week. But im thinking thats a blessing. Cause 'projecting' was an old Jackie trait. I was talking to Wendy tonight, and I told her that I think the reason I feel awkward and unsure is because everything that is happening in my life is brand new. Everyday I am full of new thoughts. New ideas. A new story. And essentially a new me. And im recreating all of these things everyday. And when I left EA, its like I thought I would never have to keep doing that. I had many plans that I built on for months and months and months, that were supposed to come true. And they didnt. And so the storybook I closed when I left EA has been re opened. And its scary as hell. But I feel like I have a much stronger and resilient character to work with. I dont want to sound like a feminist or anything freaky like that. But I sincerly feel like I have walked through fire. I went ahead and did the one thing I never wanted to do, or thought I could do. And because I did that. I dont feel so scared anymore. Its like there is nothing more to take from me so I feel pretty fearless, things can only take off from here. So, although my 'future telling' skills have went away, they have been replaced with some better skills. Some raw coping skills. The kind that dont BS around. Im confident and unafraid. And that is better than the false security of having a plan.

Today I also said goodbye to Missy. She is getting married in a matter of weeks. talk about life changing, that girl may have me trumped. She is moving her whole entire life back east, to start a new one with a guy she never really dated. But she has so much faith. I am so happy for her. She deserves this more than anyone else.

An awesome perk to being home is being around loved ones. I love Dan. Today we floated the Salt River with some friends. So check my first burn of the summer off my list. Im cooked.

good ole Jance. 

Logan.

Today I am happy. Way happy. Logan is so beautiful when its not covered in snow. Its warm, I can wear things that expose my skin. My classes are so close to being done. And home is just days away.

This is the least stressed I have felt all semester. The sun finally broke through the clouds. WOO HOO!

Heres a look at the past few weeks!!! Trust me, it hasnt looked like this the 4 months I have been here! But sheesh, It is a sight to see now!

Utah State Swag.

                                                                 Ya I take bathroom pics, what of it.

Wedding=Party.

Here is a look at Caseys fabulous reception. Straight up fun. All of us LOVE our new sis in law Brit. She is perfect for Casey. We all know he is a bit insane. And she loves him anyway. 

 We attempted some sort of a line dance. We all failed miserably.

 Doing what we do. Creepin in the corner.

 It amazes me that my brothers can still find every nerve of mine. They are ruthless. But I love them. Anyone of them would do anything for me. I have learned that because since I have moved away I probably speak to each of them at least twice a week if not more.

A BABY!!!

                                                                           My beautiful best friend!!

                                                                      The sweetest little boy.

Jenna just had her little boy a couple weeks ago. He is absolutely precious. It is so weird to see Jenna be a mom to him though. Just yesterday we were in high school going nuts. Its crazy to see her transform into a mother almost overnight. Its cool to know that we have such innate abilities to love and care though. Makes it a less scary idea.

Throwback Thursday.

In light of my post previous about growing up. i guess I am glad that I have aged. goll, I pray that I dont look like that anymore. haha, Jess looks so darn innocent. I love it. As much as I loved being 17, Im glad its over.

CONF.

Heres a surprise. I came down to Provo this weekend to head up to conference with my girlllzz. Pretty darn fun. Bryn even got us tickets but we still got turned away, it was sooooo packed. So Whit and I sat outside on the grass in temple square, the weather was phenomenal. Not kidding. Utah has been so incredibly nice this past week or so. So this conference sesh was not like any other I have been to in the past couple of years. I think because I was genuinely anticipating hearing our prophet and apostles voices. I have mentioned it before, but I am doing a whole lot more studying of past conference talks...and when I say studying I mean I walk to class and listen to em on my phone haha. But either way, becoming so familiar with the apostles has brought an earnest desire to hear more, it has strengthened my faith in the things that they preach. I have a new love for the men that lead our church. And so today, I was so grateful to be up in Salt Lake, to listen and feel the love that those men have for us. And just like all things divinely inspired, it came just in time. I couldnt think of a more appropriate time for counsel to come for me. I have got a month till school ends, and a THOUSAND questions on what I should do, and where I should be. It was good to be reminded today that God loves us. And that were not alone. There is so much guidance all around us. Tender mercies are everywhere. I have felt in an extra hour of sleep this week, in finishing a tough math exam, in a phone call from a friend I havent talked to in ages. The Lord is looking out for us, there are blessings scattered all about our everyday lives. And He is doing it on purpose. So with that being said, two best things of this week...#1 it was 70 degrees:) I went and bought summer clothes!! woop woop!! and #2 that I got to end this week with people I love.

Last B ball game of the semes!

welcome to growing up.

so im starting to notice that we never stop growing.

i used to think that there would just be "that age" when you had it together.

sorely mistaken. that age doesnt exist.

I always do this little exercise when I feel confused in life. Its called "in a perfect world"... I used to really like this game. It used to help me assess who I was, who I wanted to be and how to get there. I would ask myself "Jackie in a perfect world, what would be happening in your life?" I dont really like this game anymore.

Age has brought more experiences. some of them un pleasant. some out of my control. The kind that blind side you. "in a perfect world..." used to only consist of what experiences i wanted to create in my life. I never really had to take into account of how I would react to the experiences I didnt choose. Spoiled right? spoiled, and naive.

I guess you could say I am going through my first initiation into what we will now call the real world. This is where I have began deciding who is going to win. I am no longer 18 years old, I cant get away with the same "cute" mistakes and decisions as I have in the past. I dont get to blame much on immaturity anymore. I really do feel like this is a time in my life when I either sink or swim. Its been pretty un-nerving to realize that. Because its seriously a conscious decision every day. every. single. day. I have to decide to be strong jackie. not the weak one, who just wants to do whats easy. the one that wants to cry, and ask why.

"in a perfect world..." used to be something external. Looking back it really was just a control game, if anything. Life does not work that way though. You can do a pretty good job of aligning all your goals, even achieving them. But in the end we are not the ones who decide what growth we do and dont need. when our suffering begins and ends, we dont even get to decide when our joy is full.

Its all up to Heavenly Father. He knows our capabilities and capacities, He knows who and what we need. That has been a very frustrating truth to learn. It has meant letting go of my own tightly clutched beliefs and theories. My brother told me the other night that Heavenly Father is fully and completely aware of all the intricate details of our everyday life, our thoughts, feelings, desires and emotions. He knows whats going on in our head, and He has a plan. Nothing is by coincidence. His plan is greater than any idea or emotion that we can conjure up on our own.

I seriously hate this whole being out of control thing. I have always been obsessed with looking at my calendar, I love projecting where I will be in the future, I was all about a 5 year plan. These days I couldnt tell you where I will be next week haha. No, but seriously. But its ok.

Its a little bit scary. I kinda feel like I am walking in the dark. Not too sure where I am going to end up. And Im pretty positive that no matter how many birthdays I have, I will never have it all together. But I can learn to be happy now. I have learned to say "in a perfect world, can I please have enough inner strength to deal with the hard things in my life". And its completely possible. the hard things in this life were meant to be overcome. not succumbed to. it requires a bit of creativity. learning to do things you have never had to before. it means changing who you are, all that is comfortable, to reach a new level of happiness.

I will end with a quote that keeps me believing.

Our trials are not a reason to give up, but a challenge to improve ourselves, our pain is not an excuse to back out but an inspiration to move on.

Good Things to Come

I have posted about this before. But, man. the message is so powerful.

Back Home.

Spring break is over. Im home in Logan. And it really does feel like home. As my plane touched down in Salt Lake and I looked out my window, I was happy to see the snow covered mountains. How weird is that. I like it here, because its my new space. Its not like I have all kinds of new friends, and a social life Im eating up, but I am growing here. This is where I am supposed to be.

But lets recap how awesome spring break was. Thatcher was a hoot, and it was so nice to see my mom and dad. and of course the nine thousand other family members I have. I spent alot of time with everyone come to think of it. I saw all my sisters, and all my brothers, and there adorable children. It was nice to be able to pick up the little ones. and I know that sounds weird coming from me. But being so far away has just made me miss being able to interact with little kids. Caseys wedding was beautiful. I love Brit, our new addition.

And last but not least It was a complete blessing to spend 3 days with my best friend Danni. She has been such a huge support to me since I have been away, and just being able to hug her was completely comforting. I do have a best friend in this world, and she loves me and understands me. Were the type of girls that are fine just doing nothing when we are with eachother. This picture depicts it. Napping together for us, is bonding.

Spring break was much needed. Now its back to the grind. I have so much crap to do, and yet I am blogging. Its going to be a long week of adjustment.

Arizona.

Its like a whopping 70 degrees here. I have done pretty good at not complaing about Logans cold weather, but I will say I was a little more than stoked to wear sandals and a swim suit today.

I rode home with a couple randys on their way to Mexico. It was a fun drive. As soon as I pulled into Phoenix, a friend I went to EA with called and asked if I wanted to ride down to Thatcher with him for the weekend. HECK YES. So, late friday night I surprised Jess, and we have been having a blast ever since.

Oddly enough this past weekend were EA's cheerleading tryouts, so I tried out....JK, But my old coached asked if I would judge. It was fun to catch up with some of my old teammates.

It wouldnt be a complete spring break without hot tubbing...this is in Jaces front yard...he lives in a trailer...

Jess and I took a sunday drive. She showed me her and Dereks "spots".

Today, Jess and I went to lunch. R and R of course.

I am pretty happy to be home. Dont get me wrong I am really liking Logan, but Thatcher holds a very special place in my heart. I am loving not wearing boots and a heavy coat. I am pretty relieved that when I go back I will have only 5 weeks left of the semes. Geez, time is flying! Not to metion I just got a part time job I will start after the break! Busy, Busy, Busy!!! Im gonna soak in every second of this spring break...its the first time I think I can really appreciate being home.

my life be like.

Just some more good times. These are my girls. We all lived at the glorified hut at one point, cant seem to get rid of each other. Whitney and Bryndee live down in Provo, and often take me in on the weekends. They would be lost without me. I help them make friends.

and we must not forget missy. God bless her. although something tells me this is her last semester here!!!

Fruit. Photo of the Day.

This is as close as I am getting to eating fruit.

UP the hill...March Photo of the Day

yep, here she is. This hill that is the death of me. But look how sick Old Main is. I am obsessed with that A. The other night when I was walking home, I turned the corner RIGHT as the A started to light up. It simply made my day. It is so cool.

Sunday Drive, yo.

I have been itching for a sunday drive. I used to do em all the time in Thatcher with Danni. I always loved driving up the mountain or out to Eden. There is just something very calming about a road trip. I convinced Missy to let me borrow her car, and I drove myself to Pocatello today after church. I loved it. Like I have mentioned many times its seriously so beautiful here, and it can be rather frustrating not being able to explore and find out what this place is all about. I get tired of only living on campus. It was way sweet to go driving today. I am soooooo looking forward to my drive home to Arizona.

SKYPE ME!

Just in case my family forgot what I looked like...I have called just about everyone tonight to see if they would skype me. No takers. Anyway, This is me and Miss just kickin it at a hockey game. Dont worry fam, ya'll will see me in 2 weeks exactly. Which reminds me, I need someone to pick me up in Vegas...