Summer begins.

So, Im here. Im back. It feels really good. I am so relieved. Its all over. Finished out the semester with good grades, passed all my finals, the 24 hour flu didnt kill me, and Utah is behind me.

Im still processing just what the hell I am going to do with my life next. But like I said I feel relieved, a certain peace has come with being back home. I kid you not, the sunshine helps me think more clearly.

I am still in limbo right now though, it feels like Im on vacation, like being in Arizona is 'play time', except for thats going to end real quick. I moved back into Wendy's, this time I unpacked ALL my bags, hung my clothes up, and Im actually going to treat this place like my new home. I have decided that I am going to do everything opposite as to what I would usually do. And the old Jackie wouldnt unpack. She would live out of suitcases. The old Jackie would also shy away from a full time job, and say absolutely not to part time school. She also would hate the idea of Arizona State University. Well, I'm looking for new results in my life. So that means changing, adjusting, trying new things, things that initially suck. But Im ready for it. Its scary to be back. So scary. I still cant see myself into the future, I used to be a pro at that. But everything starts to look foggy after next week. But im thinking thats a blessing. Cause 'projecting' was an old Jackie trait. I was talking to Wendy tonight, and I told her that I think the reason I feel awkward and unsure is because everything that is happening in my life is brand new. Everyday I am full of new thoughts. New ideas. A new story. And essentially a new me. And im recreating all of these things everyday. And when I left EA, its like I thought I would never have to keep doing that. I had many plans that I built on for months and months and months, that were supposed to come true. And they didnt. And so the storybook I closed when I left EA has been re opened. And its scary as hell. But I feel like I have a much stronger and resilient character to work with. I dont want to sound like a feminist or anything freaky like that. But I sincerly feel like I have walked through fire. I went ahead and did the one thing I never wanted to do, or thought I could do. And because I did that. I dont feel so scared anymore. Its like there is nothing more to take from me so I feel pretty fearless, things can only take off from here. So, although my 'future telling' skills have went away, they have been replaced with some better skills. Some raw coping skills. The kind that dont BS around. Im confident and unafraid. And that is better than the false security of having a plan.

Today I also said goodbye to Missy. She is getting married in a matter of weeks. talk about life changing, that girl may have me trumped. She is moving her whole entire life back east, to start a new one with a guy she never really dated. But she has so much faith. I am so happy for her. She deserves this more than anyone else.

An awesome perk to being home is being around loved ones. I love Dan. Today we floated the Salt River with some friends. So check my first burn of the summer off my list. Im cooked.

good ole Jance.