I've 'moved on' people

So I this weekend was spent back home, no surprise I know, but the greatest part about being home this weekend was just how involved everyone was in my life. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone...I got questions left and right on who I was dating, people assuming I was engaged in some cases, just a bombardment of outrageous ideas all relating to me, I loved it, all the attention was really flattering. Engaged? (weird) I mean have you read my blog!!! I am about as far from settling down as it gets, don't get me wrong I do have to fight off the boys with sticks most days. But I do believe my favorite comment of the weekend was that I had looked as if I had officially moved on....It was such a proud moment for me. Yes, I have MOVED ON!!! Everyone knows about my gooooood friend Preston who left on his mission almost a year ago, and I have been writing and him for the majority of his mission...needless to say it has been a long, sometimes painful process getting over him and transitioning into other boys, but let me tell you I have made the transition, and life has never been better, and apparently others are starting to see that I exude the confidence of 'dang, that girl has moved on!'....I tell you its liberating! So thank you everyone for your bright and intact assumptions of me seriously dating, being engaged, a dear johner, and a moved oner! I am flattered:)

Everyone wants it, but rarely anyone can handle it

I'm talking about change people, the older I get, the more I realize how true that is! Missy and I were having one of our intelligent discussions yesterday, just updating eachother on 'where were at'...and I have never seen such a person make such a 180 change in such a short amount of time. She is incredible, from when I met her about 3 years ago, to the person she is now, I would hardly recognize her. Missy has such a great amount of courage, from her decsion to be baptized to her deciding to move back home to california...I admire so much about her. She does what she truley belives is best for her, regaurdless of what others warn or say to her. But anyway, Missy was part of my epiphany on change...She told me that isn't it funny how when people ask you 'how your doing' they usually want to hear what you are struggling with, they dont usually want to hear " Im great! Im going to church, and institute weekly, I have boys lining up to date me, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my education, Im sincerely happy!...oh and ps I have a rockin body", Well at least that Has been true for me... Its been hard for me to accept when others are doing good, because then I feel like I am failing. And before you analyze that, I'll tell you that I already know the reasoning for that mentality and it was because I wasn't feeling good about myself, I wasn't at peace with where I was at. Before I was so conciously focused on 'change', I was trying to completley remodel everything about myself. And while I became so obsessed and pre-occupied with this needing to change attitude, I was actually repelling the natural change that comes from surrendering and turning to the Lord...I seriously feel like I take the absolute most hardest and longest way to learn my lessons, but hey, at least Im learning them right?:)

The time has come for me to confess...

OK so I told you in my last post that I am going to Pennsylvania this summer, and I am totally psyched to go...But I was reading on the Camp Towanda website, and under the catagory of 'campers' I learned that 98% of the kids will be Jewish. Ok lets all take a big breath...cause thats what I had to do. Dont get me wrong this will not stop me from going, I just dont know what I am supposed to do, Do i tell the diresctor that I am mormon, just to get it out of the way? Do I stay quiet and then secretly try and do some missionary work? Because as I read further I learned that at this camp they say 'grace' and I am assuming they will not end thier prayers the same way I do, so what would I do in the situation that I am called upon to pray? Well Camp Towanda prides themself upon the fact that they are 'diverse' so I hope all goes well and they are accepting. I was talking to Missy last night and it occured to me that the word "towanda" does sound a bit Jewish, you know like Kwanza...Well she quickly informed me that Kwanza is a black holiday and has nothing to do with the Jewish...my bad, you learn something everyday:)

An Update:)

Ok so my old blog no longer would let me log on, I forgot my password, or my password changed...either way, I was ticked I could no longer get on! So here I am starting a whole new blog, the dance continues! I have lots to update. I will start with my baking obsession. My last post I was so proud of the eggs rice and salmon I made, Contrary to what Britteny said it was a good dinner, but I think that I am best at making desserts. I started with Banana Bread, and that was amazing! A little doughy in the middle but I love batter so it was delicious to me. And then I moved on to making a cake from scratch, to cherry tarts, to blueberry muffins, and then I made a reeses cheese cake. I find baking to be a huge stress reliever, I love sugar, and my roommates prefer the smell of cake rather than burning salmon so it all works out! Moving right along to my plans for this summer, I have had like a million different ones, but I think I finally found one that will work out. As many of you know, I went to North Hollywood a couple weeks ago and auditioned for Tokyo Disneyland, I had a wonderful time, I did amazing, met some nice girls, but I didn't end up getting a part...its ok I never really liked Tokyo or Disneyland for that matter:). So I checked Tokyo off my list and worked on getting a Camp Counseling job, and as it turns out I had a camp contact me from Pennsylvania and they are in need of a dance director...lucky for them dance is my middle name! I think that about leads me to where I am now, this week is spring break, I have had a good time taking it easy, and spending money I don't have. Only two more months of school, and then its summer! Time flies when your busy!

I made eggs, salmon, and rice!

Ok well thats pretty much all I wanted to say...Its kinda a big deal for me, the salmon was super mushy for the longest time but I left it in the oven patiently for about 20 minutes, and then VIOLA! I had a beautiful, and might I add elegant meal. The rice was a bit crunchy, but thats beseides the point, it was the first time I ever tried making it...You know I just might go to cooking school!

Was it this hard for everyone?

Ugh, college is super exhausting. I mean that with every part of me. Everyday is go, go, go. Sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to keep up. Which is odd because I am not the type to back down from a challenge...I usually take pride in struggling and triumphing. Not today though. The triumph is taking a little longer than I anticipated...I would classify me right now at somewhat of a 'stand still'. So as I was talking with Missy tonight (my other favorite roomate) I was brought to the question, Did everyone have to struggle like crazy in college? I seriously feel like sometimes, its just me. So, since I know my sisters are the only ones who read this, I want to hear some of your college stories, so I dont feel so irrational. Blog about one of them, or just comment...or you can call me:) Love you all!

It Snowed!

My favorite roomate!

You know how people do 'tributes' to others on blogs, usually for their birthdays and what not. Well I want to do a tribute/recognize someone, but there is really no reason, other than the sheer fact that I am gratful for this person. Danni, my roomate. She is the most concieted girl of the house. I have never met anyone as vain as danni (well next to myself)...Ok I am kidding, if anything Danni is the complete opposite of that, she is a super humble girl. With little guile, She is so sincere, I admire that about her. For example, Danni is not a very loud out going person, but when we do go to social gatherings, she is the first to always say hello to someone new, and ask someone how they are doing. And I can do that too, but Danni sincerely cares about the people she is talking to, she isnt doing it to be 'fluffy' or superficial. Another admirable quality of Danni is that she is so content with who she is. She doesnt ever feel the need to change who she is based on what people think of her. That is so re freshing ...I am trying to learn from her how to be ok with yourself, and not change for others, but yourself. I want to thank her for listening to me, and never judging me.

Take an opportunity when it presents itself

This past weekend was London's Run, and the past couple of years I have ran both the 10 k and the half marathon. And the plan this year was to do the same, but as it turned out when I picked up my bib it said '2 mile'. I was a little bummed and a little relieved by this typo. I payed the amount for the half marathon, but fact of the matter I wasn't trained to run 13 miles. So I settled for the 2 mile. All in all, it was a fun experience, I 'ran' it with little Taryn. But as I watched Pierce cross the finish line and not me after he had successfully ran for about 2 hours, I wanted to crumble. I was so upset with myself, even though I wasn't trained, I had stopped running for about a month and a half, I knew I could do it. I am a runner. But i let the negatives take over and I lost out on an amazing opportunity to push myself. So me being me, later on that day I went out for a 10 mile run to make up for it, hoping in some way to compensate for the experience that I gave up earlier...But truth be told it wasn't the same. Its great and all to know that I can push my body to those limits, but it wasn't London's Run. So today I am left with extremely blistered and achy feet, and left without the satisfaction of doing what I set out to do long ago. There is a scene from My Best Friends Wedding, where Julia Roberts is on a boat with her best friend and is given the opportunity to tell this man that she is in love with him once and for all, but as she keeps her feelings in, they pass under a bridge, and it symbolically marks that the moment has past and that she had waited too long to do what her heart told her to do. And I know that is an extreme example but it is almost exactly how I felt yesterday when I was on the sidelines as the gun went off for the half marathoners. The moment had passed. And as I am aware that there is always next year, I am in a new perspective now that I should take opportunities as they come, not to run away because of self doubt...And with that said I have another story. Today I was talking with a good friend of mine, and he casually mentioned that a mutual friend of ours thought I was cute etc. And I have always thought this guy was cute too, but I am the type who would never do something. Well this friend of ours just moved away last week... and now I kick myself for being so passive and doubtful. There is a microcosm of life to be learned from this, although I wish I would've stepped forward and been more aggressive and taken action, I am grateful to know what regret feels like so that I don't make it a habit.

My new Best Friend

I cant tell you how much I love my new bike! Chea gave it to me, and when I first saw it I was a little reluctant on whether or not I would actually ride it...It mustard yellow, with a picnic basket on the front, it looks just like something from the 70's. But as soon as I got on that baby and gave it a whirl, I couldn't get off. There's something empowering about riding the ugliest, ok maybe not the ugliest, but the most unique bike on campus. First of all Im higher than everyone, literally, I can zoom past those walking, Im sure they feel sad they cant get anywhere as fast as I can, and I really do enjoy all this new attention. I find myself trying to find reasons to ride it, I asked my roomates today if they needed anything from Wal-Mart because I would ride down there and pick them up groceries, Cant you just see my basket being of good use in that situation?! Its just like a car, but better... you get a workout! I now consider myself a runner and a biker!

Play time is over:(, time to accomplish!

I only have a couple more days left here in good ole Queen Creek, and then I have to head back down to school. I cant believe 3 weeks have already come and gone. Im kind of looking foreword though to going back...ok actually Im dreading it a bit, but Im working on the positive talk. This semester I am going with the attitude of accomplishing specific goals, and I WILL follow through with them, Im pretty sure thats why last semester was so lackadaisical was because I wasn't sure of where I was going and what for. Here are my new goals for 2009...1. Get a 3.0, 2. apply to a University (I am not going to mention which university, because I get so much flack for what ever school i say, it will be a surprise!) 3. Spend time regularly at library, Channel my obsessive energy towards my studies, 4. apply to a summer volunteer program, 5. join intramural soccer, 6. attend institute weekly, 7. find more service opportunities, 8. save enough extra money to join a real technical dance class, 8. Start living in the present, quit looking back to my past, and worrying about the future. 9. be myself always, no more holding back!...and of course I have more things I am changing and new habits to form, but those are my priorities.

Married...At my age!!!??

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the wedding and reception of my best friend Molly. I met Molly my sophomore year of high school, I was new to the school, I didnt have many friends and instantly Molly reached out to me. She was bubbly, knew lots of people, and had every cute guys number...I was lucky to be her friend. She helped me discover my more social and goofy side, I love her for that. Whenever Molly and I would have sleepovers, we would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS talk about our wedding day. We would talk about how handsome and great our husbands would be, what our reception would look like, the songs we would play for our "first dance", and where we would go on our honeymoons. It was so fun painting these magical fairytale like pictures of what love would be like for us one day. And as often as we would dream and talk of these days, I never really could see it happening to any of us too soon, It seemed like a far off tale. But last weekend I got to watch all of Molly's dreams come true. It was so un-real to see all of those wonderful things happen to her. But what was even more impressing to me was to see just how happy she truly was. It was written all over her face! Granted the road towards her happiness wasn't pain free, She had to endure some hard knocks, but in my eyes that makes her all the more beautiful...Now Im going to be honest, lately I have been pretty fed up with all the 'engaged and underage' gals around me, not that im jealous, I just dont understand it! I guess I just feel way to much like a child, that I just could never picture myself being a wife any day soon. But standing back, and watching Molly's wedding gave me a new outlook. Now i'm not going to go sign up on LDS singles, or attend institute activities any more than I usually do, But in a sense I have a new hope. My heart has been softend, and I can't wait till I find the one who will love me the way I need to be. And make me glow in the same way that Molly did when she looked at her husband. Ok, there Im done...I said all the things I wanted to, now let the insulting begin...I always have been and always will be a hopeless romantic:) Congrats Molly! I love you!...Oh and just one more small note, I caught the bouquet!

I'm home for Christmas!

Its back to the petty cat fights over clothes, the hounding to get a job, cleaning the black hole, gardening early saturday mornings, and it's never felt so good to be home. I forgot how ridiculous my nieces are, don't get me wrong, I love them for it. But its hilarious to see how fast an argument can flare up from one wrong look. I don't remember it being this 'sensitive' when I was here, but maybe thats just because lately I have had some heavy dosage of maturation:), little things like that just don't bother me anymore. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, is that so wrong?! Yesterday, some of us girls went and bought some fake reading glasses, and we all had plans to wear them to church. We were going to be the new Smart Family. All day we have just been prancing around the house pretending to be more intelligent than before. I insisted that I wear mine to the singles ward here, so then everyone would think that I was a real College girl...i mean come on, everyone knows glasses seal the deal when your trying to prove that you have 'changed'. Well that, an engagement ring. Not really interested in the latter...a little to permanent for my short attention span. Anyway, its great to be back, I have big plans, of course, things to do and change before i head back to thatcher scratcher...what better time to do so though, its the Season of Hope!

All nighters

This week has by far been the best week of my whole semester. I guess you save the best for last right? Since monday, my roomates and I have been hanging out with my cousin Taylor and his cousin (not my side) Nephi. They have stayed over almost every night, no sleeping of course, but doing every crazy ridiculous thing in between. One night we had 'dare night', that resulted in alot of upset stomaches, and some wet pants. Another night, the boys decided to dress up as cowboys and we drove up to the mountain and took pictures up there. And an all nighter wouldnt be considered legit without face cards...we all have developed an obsession for the game Scum. And one night, everyone even managed to help me study for my psychology exam that was at seven am the next morning ( I got a 97%!!!). A couple of the nights at around 4 am ( that doesn't sound right) the boys would say they were hungry so Danni and I headed to Wal-Mart and picked up pancake mix and cinnamon rolls. Of all the 'all nighters' that we have pulled this week, I would have to say that last night was the worst...the night started out with a road trip to tucson which was a little too long in my opinion. And taylor and nephi insisted that we stay up till 8 am the next morning...I was not up for this one, my body was done staying up, and i was ready to head home now that i was done with my finals. But if any of you know my cousin taylor, you would know that he would make your life a living heck if you do anything contradicting his ideas. If I, or anyone else for that matter, would close their eyes it would result in pillow fights, stupid loud obnoxious clap games, and occasionally one huge group hug...I know it was as gay as it sounds. Nonetheless, this week has been so entertaining... it was the first time in the past 5 months here that i have wanted to stay in thatcher instead of come home:)

Life as I know it...

This is my blog. I asked Danni to make me one so that I could post my analysis of all my roomates. And of course, as with all things, I really wanted this blog so that I could post about myself...Im a pretty narsisistic human being. But you wont be let down, I'm pretty entertaining. I'm a fun self centered person:) Ok well I'm going to start off from the beggining, give you an idea of how my life is these days, since I know everyone wants to know...First of all, this is my first semester of college, at Eastern Arizona, and it has been the hardest and best of times. Lets talk about the hard times and then I will end on a good note with the best of times. So far from being here I have learned what its like to be alone. I know that sounds pathetic, but to a girl who thrives off of family and friend love, its been pretty tough not having people be obsessed with me every second of the day. I mean, high school was great and all, I guess you could say I had a name for myself, and I was proud of that name. And then when I came here, everything that I built was gone. And now this is where my sisters tell me " Well thats life Jack, time to grow up"... And I'm coming to terms with the whole 'moving on' thing, its just alot harder than I thought it would be. Speaking of moving on, I had a really 'close friend' of mine leave on a mission in May. It was heart breaking,painful, joyous, and it was a HUGE adjustment. But as with all hard things in life, it has made me stronger and better. But I am going to say this, I wish there was a book written on how to cope with having the boy your in love with leave on a mission...now that I think of it, I think I will write it! The whole freshman 15, has been pretty depressing too, My roomates feel the need to go out for ice cream as soon as its 12 am or later, I tell ya college kids have terrible eating habits. Finances have been a gift and a curse for me this semester, I was so happy I had left over scholarship money, but then I quickly found out I am not capable of managing large amounts of money. It results in un-needed trips back home, i pods, short lived hair extentions, fast food, and...ya that about sums up where it all went. And now that Im in the home stretch Im praying I can make rent...Needless to say I have plans to improve myslef in all of these aspects next semester...you live and learn right? And I have also discovered being a college cheerleader is not all that its cracked up to be. Ok now lets move on to why college has been great! I would have to say the best thing about being here is meeting new people, granted I havent been the biggest social butterfly (I have plans to change that also) , But the people I have met and been close with have had a lasting influence on my life. If there is any reason to be glad I came here, it would be for the wonderful people I have met. My roomates in particular...and my running partner. The firesides and devotionals are phenominal, They have a way of always touching my heart and reminding me why I'm important. They keep me going. And since the town I live in is quite small, I have developed an un-dying love for Wal-Mart, I don't know what it is but I love going there. I have learned that they have the best deals around, and Im sure that will help in the long run, when I have to shop frugally for my future family. And its not a bad gig to stay out however late you want, with zero consequences. I cant really think of any other profound things that I have changed me for the better since I have been here. But maybe thats just it, Its all the little things that are happening to me that are shaping me, and making me become the person I am supposed to be. I like to think of myself as a work in progress. I have plenty of things I need change and improve about myself, and Im quite glad I have the opportunity to do so. Life is somewhat of a blank slate for me right now, and I get to decide what I want the picture to look like. Thats empowering. Being on your own forces you to 'dig deep', as Chea would say, and for that lesson I am grateful. I'm finding out life isn't meant to be easy from here on out, in fact I can expect plenty more dissapointments, failing, upset, crying, phone calls home asking for the 'right' answers. But its how I teach myself how to react to these negative things that are going to ultimatley determine the strength within me. So if next semester is just as stressful and hard as this one, I still say give it to me, for learning how to succeed and overcome obstacles on my own, Its worth it.