June 17- The day my life changed.

Well, it was dramatic but I dont know that it fully sunk in that I had a child till a few days later. when the epidural and morphine all fully left my system. Even now I am still in shock that I have a sweet little boy, currently 3 lbs 12 oz, a bottle sucking big boy who is no longer in an incubator.

As many of you know, I was induced on the 16th at 9 pm. It was all naturally, with the help of little balloons they inserted that would help my cervix expand. And 6 hours later I was contracting. Wow that sucked. by 9 am the next day I had an epidural, and I had never felt so relieved and relaxed in my life. Little baby boy didnt love my contractions, by 11 am the doctor came in to tell me it was time to pull the plug on the idea of delivering vaginally. Cliffords heart rate kept dropping with each contraction. So it was time to prep for surgery. Hayden was pumped. (see picture below)

Obviously, the c section is a pretty standard an un-eventful surgery. But it doesnt change the fact that I was WIPED out from it. I puked before, during and after. Super grateful I felt nothing. And the whole process didnt take that long, but Im so glad Hayden was there. I remember Clifford being pulled from me with a loud cry, and Hayden crying out "hes perfect". He was able to hold him right away while I just lay there feeling very lifeless and drugged. Someone needed to hold our baby right away, and I most certainly couldnt. 

3 hours later, I finally was able to hold my baby. Again so grateful for Hayden. He was able to be with him the whole time. I always have known Hayden would be an amazing father, but he is seriously going above and beyond. He is OBSESSED with our little guy. 

No one wants to be in the NICU or have a baby that is 6 weeks early. But to be honest giving birth, staying in the hospital, and visiting our baby there everyday has been pretty ideal. Clifford came out breathing on his own, he is now eating 70% of his feedings from a bottle, he maintains his own body temperature and therefore he sleeps in a big boy bed. We have hopes of going home soon. 

I think the real fun will begin once he is in our home. I spend as much time in the NICU as I can, but it still means that I miss out on A LOT of time with him, and I do feel a little bit distant at times. But I am really hoping that once he is home, and I have to take care of him all day long I will feel better and more like his mom.

Clifford has changed my life. In a perfect way. I never would have pegged myself for the selfless type  but it truly does come so naturally now. He is so sweet and small and I want the absolute best for him. My main worry is that I will not be a good enough mom for him, I want to be everything for him. Im pretty sure thats what motherhood should feel like.