WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! I'm exhausting.

Editors Note: Im not a very personal person, so read with caution, Im an open book. Some of my views, opinions, analogys, may offend you. Continue on if you can accept me for me:)

Well Its been almost 2 weeks, and 3 since I last saw him. My heart still aches first thing in the morning, and falls asleep to memories every night. GOLLY! This is so hard! I feel like this time around things are so different, I dont feel like a young, vulnerable 18 year old barely entering college. I feel like a spitfire 21 year old who knows what she wants, and is a little pissed it just go taken from her, but also underneath it all I can feel the massive learning experience that is erupting. This is by far one of the most faith-trying experience I have ever had. Everyday the feelings and emotions are so tangible, and I can actually feel myself make the conciseness decsion of whether or not I am going to let my feelings of despair ruin my day, or whether I am going to tell my Heavenly Father that I trust Him and have faith that things will get better. Its so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, fills me with alot of doubt when I let my mind sit on it too long, but I have felt the love that comes from faith, and the peace that comes from prayer. And I am also realizing that as I am still mourning and still trying to let these fresh wounds heal, that I am still going to cry and thats ok. I was telling Missy the other day, Im scared to death of going back to my room in Thatcher, where Danni wont be on her bed, and Hayden wont be barging in anytime soon. Its a real lonley feeling, and I am finding out that the more I just cry it out and aknoweldge how I am feeling, the days get progressively better, and it does help that Haydens letters are so him, he still cracks me up (and Im not saying that just because he was my boyfriend, he really is freakin hilarious) and he is so positive and real about everything, its not like he is sending me a slew of scriptures to read, his letters sound like how he would speak to me, dry, sweet, full of advise tinged with sarcasm, not like a sermon.

I remember that someone once told me that when your going through a trying time, the answer to your prayer isnt just going to come to you one day, and its almost never going to come in the form that you want it. But the answers and peace that you need is going to come through other people, they told me that you have to listen closely to what others say to you because what they have to say could be just what you needed to hear that day. And that happened Saturday when I saw my roomate Aimee at a shower, she too has a missionary who has been out for 10 months and she knows all too well the pain I am experiencing. Just her hug was enough to make me feel at peace and comforted. All the relating she did with me made me a bit weepy but helped me feel normal, and I felt a little bit better just conversing with her. And I find that to be a true blessing , thats how He reaches us in the times we need Him most. And again it happend last night as I was talking to my best friend Jenna on the phone, we are in quite opposite positions (she is married) but what she had to say helped shed some logic on my situation. I have been worrying alot about the future and marriage and how it will all work out according to what I want, and she said that I dont need to worry that in the end its all up to me. So that if something happens that I dont like, or if I date someone that I dont like its my job to stop it, Im never going to have to feel 'fated' into something, that everything we do is up to us, including who we marry. It wasnt chosen previously who we are supposed to marry. And thats probably common sense to alot you, but to me I needed to hear that in a different way for it to really hit home, and again that was a blessing.

So, yes this summer is going to be a bit hard, my heart is going to be in pain, but no this is not going to be a forever lasting thing, and yes I can keep progressing if I allow myself to. Can I get an Amen??