R.I.P Spring Semester '10

This past weekend were cheer tryouts, and Yes I made the team. YAY! Im a gila monster again, lets just hope I try and stop being one before Im 25. Im actually really excited to be on this team just because its so big and there is actually a fair amount of talent on the team. So my cheer life can now begin, I have to start earning money to go to cheer camp, and 2 weeks before school starts we have practices. As my coach was telling me all of these details I got kind of excited, because I thought "this just might be able to consume me". And as you can tell from my previous posts I need to fill some voids.

Anyway, so as I went down to Thatch for the first time since school ended I felt super apprehensive, it was so weird walking around my house and it being completely empty, and even weirder knowing that there was nobody in the town. My room was still the same, actually cleaner (thank you Danni), the bathroom still smelt the same, the fridge still had my same jug of water that I chug out of, but it really did almost feel eerie. But after having some good talks with Danni about the future and what we wanna do, we decided that its best not to try and recreate what last semester was. Nothing will ever come close to being as fun, we wont meet any people to replace the ones we met, but I decided that I am going to just accept the fall semester as it comes, and do my best not to reminese too much. What I want more than anything is to just be able to still be me, to still be able to laugh and be loud and have fun with all the people that I meet without any hesitation and stay single through it all, is that asking too much? But having already written a missionary before I am coming to find out it was a gift and a curse. I look at everything I have gone through and become because of it and there is no way that I will not be an unchanged person when Hayd comes home, and Im doing my best to just accept that, No matter how fun last semester was, or how many great memories I have, or how much I feel in my heart that I love Hayden, thats not enough to keep me the same person with the same feelings when he comes home. It just isn't, thats not enough for anyone. And I will even venture to say that its impossible. But I look at what I did with my first missionary and it wasn't until the year and a half mark that I finally allowed myself to start having fun and really embracing the things I liked I and wanted to do, and thats when I was happiest. Its like I didnt have a worry this past semester, I wasnt the least bit worried about making friends or trying to be known for something, but thats when I made the most friends. I dont want to skip a beat with Haydens absence I want to be able to jump right in to being happy and progressing, because I know thats what he would want for me. My sister said it best to me the other day, the first missionary took two years from me, and Hayden is giving me two years.

And so this brings me to point B, what am I going to do with myself? That has become a very daunting question, and to be honest with you I think it is for any 21 year old girl, reguardless of where you are or what your circumstances are. I look at my good friend Danni, and she is just as lost as me when it comes to deciding what comes from life after EA. She doesn't know if she should come back to EA for the 'one more' semester or get brave and leave AZ all together, but I told her what ever she does make sure that she knows she is moving forward. Thats how I know that I don't want to come back to the mesa area when I am all done in Thatcher. But its still pretty scary business getting the guts to make a move. Whether it be deciding to go on a mission or applying to a univeristy, both make me sweat.

Anyway so about putting spring semester to rest, Im going to put all my memories into a folder, a very special folder that is, one with sparkles and hearts drawn on it, and keep living my life with a positive mindset and spazy demeanor that I have had, and on the days that are hard and that I miss Hayden I will pull out that sparkly folder and let myself remember one special memory, possibly cry a little, maybe write hayden a letter telling him about my day, pray for him and then carefully put the memory back, and think of all the opportunities that are still awaiting me and just how happy the future can be... And if this doesnt help me get through my days then I am flying my butt down to Guatemala. No questions asked.