20 decisons that have changed me this summer...for better or worse.

1. Coming home from EA
2. being a Show Low EFY counselor
3. my cute little dance camp
4. going to Pennsylvania
5. deciding to come home from Pennsylvania
6. racking up more credit card debt
7. deciding not to use my credit card anymore
8. starting a job at Justice
9. Mine and Missys relationship
10. deciding to attend ASU
11. losing my purse and starting all over
12. deciding I really dont want to go to ASU
13. getting promoted at Justice
14. deciding I want to dance now more than ever before
15. getting a second and third job so that I can dance
16. oh and SYTYCD reminding me that I love to dance
17. learning not to ask everyone for an opinion
18. learning how to take resposibility from Dr. Phil
19. my talks with Wendy
20. deciding once more that Im sick of waiting around for preston

My Poem

Please stop telling me what to do
but then I ask and thats your cue

do this do that, dont be a joke
Nursing school? I think you'll choke.

You can do what you put your mind to
but first ask me and I'll have to approve

Your twenty years old, not a child of eight
its time you know mail in rebate

You need a boyfriend, how long has it been
your getting homlier, that can be a sin

well this is what I say to one and to all
I am the greatest, and I will not fall

I know what I want, and I will not rest
I fight hard, put me to the test

Sometimes Im helpless, and out of gas
but i will never be the one to finish last

so please, next time when you feel you need to say
Just dont, Im sick of all the 'advise'

i dropped my fifth phone of the summer in a toilet

need I say more (see 2 posts down)

"This Is So You Think You Can Dance, and Im your host Jackie Arnett!"

Ok so I am obssesed with "So you think you can dance". I dont know what it is, but that show just speaks to me. It could be all the down time I have on the days that I dont work but I like to re-watch all the episodes throughout the seasons, rate then re-rate all the dancers and the choreography, and it has just been a blissful experience for me, I do beleive that I have fallen in love with the art of dance again. Not that I ever stopped loving it, but my batteries have been re-charged again. I forgot what it was like to perform a piece in front of an audience that you have worked so hard on, and the gratifying feeling of a screaming audience, nothing like it I tell you. Dance has always facinated me, and since I was a little girl I knew I would be one someday. I used to think that 'someday' had already passed for me. I danced in high school, I was on the school dance team, I cheered in college, but I hate to say it ladies and Gents, but Im not done with dance, nor am I ready to set aside that continuing dream of mine. As many of you may know I am know heading my education in the direction of nursing, but I was thinking about it the other day what would be cooler than a nurse who also coaches her own dance team, or even still competes herself...I mulled it over and I think that is a brilliant idea! It is kind of alot to ask, but I firmly believe that I can have the best of both worlds. After all it was dance that taught me that I can do anything, I was by no means a naturaly gifted dancer like my beautiful niece Jancy, but in a time in my life when I didnt really feel like I was worth anything or that I was capable of accomplishing the secret dreams of mine, dance was the only thing I stood and fought for. It was the one passion that I kept burning when everything else in my life went numb. I do not usually have great vision, but with dance I have always been able to picture me perfoming and dancing so powerfully, and through my persistancy i was able to carry that over onto the stage. the power of positive thinking is real!! and dance taught me that. yes it did take me several years before I ever reached the point where I would allow myself to dance on stage with confidence, but it did happen, and I wanted it bad enough to where I wouldnt give up. So back to me not being a 'gifted' dancer, I think I am what you would call a dancer with heart. In the classes I would take and the teams I was on I always had to work a bit harder than the other girls to master a sequence of movements or the technique of turns, but I loved what I did so I would gladly persist. Dance became a powerful outlet for me, and as I am re-discovering it still is. And with that said I would like to present to you a dance performed by two of my favorite dancers on SYTYCD (one dancer is a favorite by default), the title of this dance is Heartbreaker, Look it up on youtube because I cant figure out how the heck to post it to my blog!

I love this dance because it illustrates perfectly how I feel. I think that sometimes it is just as painful to be the heart-breaker as it is to be the heart breakee. I know that just within this past year I have been progressing from moving on from a former love, and let me tell you it is hard as hell. There are days that go by that I dont even think of him, and I am happy with the person I am becoming without him. And then one week I will do nothing but think and dream of him day and night. It becomes a quite heavy and annoying repetive thought process. Because like Jeanine illustrates in this dance, no matter how hard you fight this person off, no matter how hard you throw them to the ground, and promise yourself that you are done, he still creeps his way in. Because on any given day I can go through my reportoire of memories with him and remember exactly how beautiful he made me feel, and how happy I became around him, but it doesnt change the fact that it is healthiest and best for me to leave it all behind today. Being a heartbreaker gets a bad rap alot of the time, one that describes you to be heartless and spineless, when in my book it means quite the opposite. The days when I can say 'I am done, its over, it was all worth it, but better days await me' are the days when I feel the strongest and most worth while. The cheap security that comes from holding on to him isnt worth neglecting the reality that I deserve the best even if I havent found it yet.

I believe in being cursed.

It all started out with buying my first nice phone. I got it off craigslist, and I was so proud a good hundred dollars spent. And so i had this phone for a good 24 hours before I went on a date, and we were talking and I seemed to be enjoying myself, when my phone basically crawled out of my pocket and through it self into the lake we were at. We managed to rescue it, but it was a gonner. And so I went to the alltel store and purchased another, same model, cheaper price (I had insurance), and so my week continued, and then the lovely July 10 rolled around, I hope you all know what day that is! Me and my brothers went to the lake for my birthday, I left my purse in his truck and headed out to play in the water. Well we returned and Casey dryly informed me that my purse was gone. Thats right someone broke into his truck and stole his phone and debt card, and my whole life AKA my purse. Digital camera, cell phone, wallet, social security card, hard drive with all the stories I was writing on them!, my Dr. Phil book, and my favorite body spray that was already taken from me at airport security once this summer, oh goodness the list goes on. And I mean I understand that kind of crap happens, but on a cute 20 year olds birthday? Really? Life is funny like that. And the thing is I am just one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, but I tell you I am getting pretty stumped on this one.

which brings me to my other story, this summer I had a job back east at a summer camp, I was the dance instructor, I was totally stoked to a part of such a great opportunity. but again life had a curve ball for me, sometimes things are not all they are cracked up to be. In my head I imagined this wholesome camp I would go to and be able to teach little kids dance, and make cute boy counselor friends. well back east is just as pretty as everyone says but this camp was not at all what I expected. As soon as I got there I felt sick, in my gut I knew I wasnt supposed to be there. it just felt wrong, I let it sit for a couple day before I called Cliff and we devised a genious plan to get me home. in short I threw some water in my eyes, i sadly proclaimed to the camp director that my dad had a heart attack. And BAM just like that the next morning I was in NYC taking several different buses to the Newark New Jersey airport. best and worst 3 days of my life. I sincerley believe i can do any hard thing now, no one would have believed that I could do any of what I did back there on my own. From getting a plane ticket to switching buses in the Big Apple. I was Lagit. Anyway, so on my 4 hour flight home, I kept thinking there was a reason I flew back there, saw those weird people at that camp, and felt prompted to leave days later, and there was a reason I needed to be back in Arizona for the summer.
I did get a job right away, I get a whole 8 hours a week. Not quite enough to pay off my plane ticket yet, but I will get there!

Ok I dont really remember where I was going with this post, its kinda all over the place...some side notes though, jancy ended up jumping in the pool with my phone, and once more I am phone less, broke, and basically jobless...but Everything happens for a reason. And I take full responsibility for all of this. (thats my new mantra)...lets see if I can reverse this 'curse' with it.

My Time To Shine

Well I am just going to update...Chea and I have an inside joke that my blog is the 'Peoples Punisher' (From Sydney White the movie), because no one reads my blog, partly because no one knows that I switched blog addresses and because my posts are long and drawn out, and I dont have pictures. But personally I like it this way, I can say whatever the heck I want...and for any readers who might be out there, I hope you enjoy, but if you dont, I dont give a hoot!

School is now in the home stretch for me, and I have bittersweet feelings. My roomates and I have finally decided to be social in the last two weeks of school, and so we have had alot of good times, but as I recall this is exactly what we did last semester! We stuck to ourselves and then when it came time for school to be over, we had some really good times. Isn't it funny how I sabatoged myself in this way...twice! Nonetheless, I am glad we have allowed ourselves to finally loosen up...and when I say we, I just mean me...as ironic as it is I am the anti-social one most the time.

I have a funny story to tell to exemlify that. The other weekend, a band came to safford to play, since this place is so hoppin you know? So the night previous to them playing we met at the Denny's, gave them our numbers and promised that we would go to the concert. No harm, and it was laid back enough for me to agree to go. So, the next night we are having a jolly good time at this concert, the music was pretty weird for my taste, but it kept my interest. It was Regae-Rap. So the last song is playing, and 5 or 6 girls decide to go up and dance in front of the stage, and if any of you know me there is nothing I hate more than being upstaged. Its funny cause these girls weren't trying to compete or anything, and its not like I was in love with this band...But all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming feeling to 'top' these ladies and prove that I was a bigger die hard fan than them...and So I did. Keeping in mind that this was all done in the name of attention. And so I jumped up on stage, and danced all up on the piano player, just giving him a run for his money ya know?:) For a moment there I felt like all the people in the auditorium were there to see me, it was great! Pictures were flashing from stage right, and then stage left, I felt like Hannah Montana. So the concert ends, we hang around to talk to the band, and I think that where it started to go up, I mean my wall of course. My roomates started discussing plans to hang out with the band, and I am thinking "why in the heck would I want to hang out with them, havent you ever heard of the term Go out on a Good Note?!' So I quickly informed them I would not be participating in this hang out, I just wanted to go home and read.

And so thus we see, either I am bi-polar, or scared. Im gonna go with the latter, because Im pretty sure bi-polar is a cop out. Isn't it retarted that I am nineteen years old and I still struggle to bring myself to hang out with other people. Because on most good days, I think I am cute, Im freaking funny, and I will entertain the crap out of anyone, but its like pulling teeth to get me to go to the institute building. Can anyone say Cliff?

Well the beauty of this situtation is that I am reading a book by Dr. Phil (dont anyone dis on him, he knows what he is talking about!) and I am learning why I do the things I do, what keeps me doing the habits of mine that I hate, and I no longer use the cop out 'well thats just the way I am'...Its really changed my perspective, I cant stop analyzing myself and all those around me. Its a liberating feeling to know that I am in control and that I can change my behaviors. I wish I could just place this knowledge in some of my loved ones brains. Because now when another hot band comes to Safford, I will say 'Hell yes we can hang out after the concert! And yes I know I got some killer moves!'

Buy my Book!

Well I am writing a book(s). So far its been a light sketch, just messing around with different ideas, but I think that this is what I should be doing in my life right now. I bought a jump drive the other day, and I usually end up typing more in my book folders than I do my homework assignments, but so far it has been a great release. I have several different stories/books that I want to write, the first being my years spent in Chea's home, then My life with my brothers, and then I am going to strickly write a book on overcoming the heart ache from your missionary leaving, and lastly I want to write dad's story. Its all kind of out of order, but I am writing what I can deal first, and then I will move in to the murky more hard to swallow stories. Already I have developed a different perspective and I am more at ease with my past than I have ever been before. So people, be prepared to laugh, cry, and mock, I have got some good stories coming your way... you can place orders now:)

I've 'moved on' people

So I this weekend was spent back home, no surprise I know, but the greatest part about being home this weekend was just how involved everyone was in my life. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone...I got questions left and right on who I was dating, people assuming I was engaged in some cases, just a bombardment of outrageous ideas all relating to me, I loved it, all the attention was really flattering. Engaged? (weird) I mean have you read my blog!!! I am about as far from settling down as it gets, don't get me wrong I do have to fight off the boys with sticks most days. But I do believe my favorite comment of the weekend was that I had looked as if I had officially moved on....It was such a proud moment for me. Yes, I have MOVED ON!!! Everyone knows about my gooooood friend Preston who left on his mission almost a year ago, and I have been writing and him for the majority of his mission...needless to say it has been a long, sometimes painful process getting over him and transitioning into other boys, but let me tell you I have made the transition, and life has never been better, and apparently others are starting to see that I exude the confidence of 'dang, that girl has moved on!'....I tell you its liberating! So thank you everyone for your bright and intact assumptions of me seriously dating, being engaged, a dear johner, and a moved oner! I am flattered:)

Everyone wants it, but rarely anyone can handle it

I'm talking about change people, the older I get, the more I realize how true that is! Missy and I were having one of our intelligent discussions yesterday, just updating eachother on 'where were at'...and I have never seen such a person make such a 180 change in such a short amount of time. She is incredible, from when I met her about 3 years ago, to the person she is now, I would hardly recognize her. Missy has such a great amount of courage, from her decsion to be baptized to her deciding to move back home to california...I admire so much about her. She does what she truley belives is best for her, regaurdless of what others warn or say to her. But anyway, Missy was part of my epiphany on change...She told me that isn't it funny how when people ask you 'how your doing' they usually want to hear what you are struggling with, they dont usually want to hear " Im great! Im going to church, and institute weekly, I have boys lining up to date me, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my education, Im sincerely happy!...oh and ps I have a rockin body", Well at least that Has been true for me... Its been hard for me to accept when others are doing good, because then I feel like I am failing. And before you analyze that, I'll tell you that I already know the reasoning for that mentality and it was because I wasn't feeling good about myself, I wasn't at peace with where I was at. Before I was so conciously focused on 'change', I was trying to completley remodel everything about myself. And while I became so obsessed and pre-occupied with this needing to change attitude, I was actually repelling the natural change that comes from surrendering and turning to the Lord...I seriously feel like I take the absolute most hardest and longest way to learn my lessons, but hey, at least Im learning them right?:)

The time has come for me to confess...

OK so I told you in my last post that I am going to Pennsylvania this summer, and I am totally psyched to go...But I was reading on the Camp Towanda website, and under the catagory of 'campers' I learned that 98% of the kids will be Jewish. Ok lets all take a big breath...cause thats what I had to do. Dont get me wrong this will not stop me from going, I just dont know what I am supposed to do, Do i tell the diresctor that I am mormon, just to get it out of the way? Do I stay quiet and then secretly try and do some missionary work? Because as I read further I learned that at this camp they say 'grace' and I am assuming they will not end thier prayers the same way I do, so what would I do in the situation that I am called upon to pray? Well Camp Towanda prides themself upon the fact that they are 'diverse' so I hope all goes well and they are accepting. I was talking to Missy last night and it occured to me that the word "towanda" does sound a bit Jewish, you know like Kwanza...Well she quickly informed me that Kwanza is a black holiday and has nothing to do with the Jewish...my bad, you learn something everyday:)

An Update:)

Ok so my old blog no longer would let me log on, I forgot my password, or my password changed...either way, I was ticked I could no longer get on! So here I am starting a whole new blog, the dance continues! I have lots to update. I will start with my baking obsession. My last post I was so proud of the eggs rice and salmon I made, Contrary to what Britteny said it was a good dinner, but I think that I am best at making desserts. I started with Banana Bread, and that was amazing! A little doughy in the middle but I love batter so it was delicious to me. And then I moved on to making a cake from scratch, to cherry tarts, to blueberry muffins, and then I made a reeses cheese cake. I find baking to be a huge stress reliever, I love sugar, and my roommates prefer the smell of cake rather than burning salmon so it all works out! Moving right along to my plans for this summer, I have had like a million different ones, but I think I finally found one that will work out. As many of you know, I went to North Hollywood a couple weeks ago and auditioned for Tokyo Disneyland, I had a wonderful time, I did amazing, met some nice girls, but I didn't end up getting a part...its ok I never really liked Tokyo or Disneyland for that matter:). So I checked Tokyo off my list and worked on getting a Camp Counseling job, and as it turns out I had a camp contact me from Pennsylvania and they are in need of a dance director...lucky for them dance is my middle name! I think that about leads me to where I am now, this week is spring break, I have had a good time taking it easy, and spending money I don't have. Only two more months of school, and then its summer! Time flies when your busy!

I made eggs, salmon, and rice!

Ok well thats pretty much all I wanted to say...Its kinda a big deal for me, the salmon was super mushy for the longest time but I left it in the oven patiently for about 20 minutes, and then VIOLA! I had a beautiful, and might I add elegant meal. The rice was a bit crunchy, but thats beseides the point, it was the first time I ever tried making it...You know I just might go to cooking school!

Was it this hard for everyone?

Ugh, college is super exhausting. I mean that with every part of me. Everyday is go, go, go. Sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to keep up. Which is odd because I am not the type to back down from a challenge...I usually take pride in struggling and triumphing. Not today though. The triumph is taking a little longer than I anticipated...I would classify me right now at somewhat of a 'stand still'. So as I was talking with Missy tonight (my other favorite roomate) I was brought to the question, Did everyone have to struggle like crazy in college? I seriously feel like sometimes, its just me. So, since I know my sisters are the only ones who read this, I want to hear some of your college stories, so I dont feel so irrational. Blog about one of them, or just comment...or you can call me:) Love you all!