A few good times...

Me, Danni and Hayd at the Easter Pageant. Hayden and Danni hadn't been privileged enough to ever see one, but I was nice enough to take them.

Here is us at the Hoover Dam...still not too sure what is so fantastic about this place, but Hayden insisted that we stop and adore.
Here is the worlds cutest couple in the dirtiest city...we had fun:)
And the four best looking people in temple square, we got into all of saturdays sessions, it was perfect!

That someone better has finally come along.

Well I just came to take a peak at my blog for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months, and I read my last post. Very ironic. Because today I am going to blog about how awesome the healing process is coming along.

Let me clear something up first...In no way was I devastated or completley heart broken, I just knew that what I was feeling inside wasn't healthy, and that it was time for me to finally get myself together and move forward...fearlessly. And so that is exactly what I did as I headed back down to school in Thatcher. I was so happy to be back, and still am! This place is my home...not forever, but it is a wonderful stand in. I have had so many opportunities to grow here, every single day I wake up, I thank Heavenly Father for softening my heart and directing me back to this place, I know that I would not be nearly as happy of a person somewhere else. As many of you know, I have kept cheering, and that was the primary reason for returning, but has definelty just turned out to be a perk to an otherwise already picture perfect semester.

Before I returned to EA, I couldnt stress enough to everyone how positive I would not meet anyone that I would be remotely attracted to let alone date, so I was completley positive that this semester was gonna be all about ME!! No worries about boys, or anything relating to that area. Because first of all its Thatcher, I am absolutley positive I didnt want to settle down with anyone who wanted to stay put in such a place, so that took out a good 40% of the males down there, and I am pretty sure the other 59% are weirdo's who just creep you out, and are from towns such at Belin, St. Johns, Snowflake...lovely people, just not headed in the direction I would want to be. And so, that leaves me with a percentage of one....it was the percentage I didnt even bother with beacuse I was positive that this semester at EA was just to relax, be me, have fun, and I guess knock out a few classes.Something I didnt let myself do last year. Basically, this small chance of me meeting someone was so overlooked and quite frankly I considered impossible.

I didnt calculate the chance that there would be a sweet loving boy from Boise, Idaho, here for me to meet and that he would be just what I needed at this time in my life.

That just goes to show that Heavenly Father has plans that are bigger than us... He is aware of our circumstances, and no matter how well we think we know ourselves, and try to dictate our everyday lives, we are powerless to His plan.

This is all not to say that things started out smoothly between me and Hayden (BTW, his name is Hayden). I think I remember saying to my cousin the first time I met him that he was super gay, in short I thought this boy and me will clash. I think mostly because we are both attention loving people, and he might have been stepping into my spotlight (promise I am not concieted). Anyway, he kept coming around, as a bunch of friends we would all go to lunch, I remember several nights wrestling the crap out of him, and one night I actually punched him in his face...he left quite upset, but needless to say the next day he still came around. He fixed my car when I didnt have the slightest clue why the steering wheel made an awful noice, he laughed at me when I got a ridiculous spray on tan, told me he was going to pee in my laundry if i left it at his house, would rudely tell me to 'kennel up' when I would talk a little bit louder than everyone else in the house, he made me feel ridiculously stupid for ACCIDENTLY kissing him, and a couple days later embarrassed the crap out of me in front all our friends by unexpectedly kissing me goodbye as if it was completely normal. And best of all he would tell how big of a brat I was all the time. After all of this I began to fall...romantic right? fighting, peeing in laundry, telling me I'm a brat...He was just right for me.

With Hayden there was never any pretending, I am who I am and he takes it. He doesn't tell me I need to change certain parts about myself. Is anyone else seeing the irony to this situation? Hayden is exactly what I needed right now. I needed to meet someone who could love me for me, someone to show me that its ok to have imperfections and flaws. Because I know all too well how it feels to constantly be trying to change myself for someone, I have always been a people plesaser, its a super counter productive attribute to have, not to mention it will make you crazy! I turned myself inside out trying to be a 'perfect enough' girl for a very long time, and I havent ever felt so relieved and content as I do now...since I have met someone who tells me everyday that I am perfect as I am now, who doesnt have unrealistic expectations for me. Now I'm not saying Me and Hayd are head over heels for eachother, or that I am ready for round 2 in the whole mission waiting game, but I am saying that I am incredibly grateful that I have met someone who was able to show me that I'm ok, Im worth something reguardless of my intensily crazy side.

May 26 (His departure date) is gonna come pretty fast. No matter how much I hate it, I wake up every morning and wish it wasn't a new day, one less day I have with a new best friend. He is going to head on his way to Guatemala, I'll continue on with school. Before both of us know it, it will be six months later and were barely a recent memory...I think that is the hardest part for me, that things could happen so fast, he could mean so much and BAM just like that those days are gone. It wont change that he shaped me for the better, and that he was a catalyst to molding a new part of me, its just going to be a hard pill to swallow. But I think its a little to late in the game for me to try and protect myself, or pretend I dont care for him just for the sake of me not getting too attached. I decided that I am going to look at it as a tiny miracle, be grateful for it as its happening, and don't get too pissed off as it slowly dissappears. Bottom line is someone else is in control, and If I do what I am supposed to I will keep getting blessed with these tiny miracles, and maybe better at letting people go.

Ok, now I am going to go to the bathroom and bawl for an hour.

I'm Fearless

There are two things you have to look forward to when your heart is broken.

Things can only get better, surely the pain can get any worse
and some one will better will be apart of the healing process.

Laura is my IDOL

My name is Jackie and I'm here to say
Laura Cummard is my idol in every way
Shes always happy and likes to have fun
Shes naturally the best at anything she has ever done.
I wish I could play ball or just be like her
I will log out of my email and blog from now on that's for SURE

Love you Jack:)

Feels like home to me.

Ok, I guess its about time for an update...if Heidi is blogging again you know that it is time to start up. How bout I start with the good...I am still working at Justice, yay! Literally one of the happiest jobs I have ever had, I know its sick but I can see myself working there till I am 50. No need to worry I won't...I already evaluated the pros and cons of doing so, and realized I wouldn't progress:) Maybe being a business owner of some sort though?? I definitely love sales. Which brings me to my other bit, not only do I love sales but I love to talk sales, and I have realized that talking sales to an outsider is worse than pushing pins in their eyes (as I have learned from trying to share my enthusiasm with my less than aloof siblings who could care less). I find myself being borderline nosy when I walk into a store, whether it be Charlotte Russe or Wal Mart, I want to know where there at in there day, that meaning how much money they have brought in, what is the average transaction like, how their associate will treat me, and there conversion rate...doesn't all that sound exciting??!! Call me a nerd, but I love it! Another problem I have attained is feeling bad telling an associate no to what they are trying to sell me, its the stupid left over side effects of being a people pleaser, they still lurk around every now and again. An example, I went to Pac Sun as a 'just looking' customer, the ones I usually try to convert, and I started up some ole sales talk with the manager, made friends and so by this point I felt to bad to just leave. Because A: I would ruin the conversion, and B:...I dont think I have a B, I just felt too bad. So I bought some dumb mindless items, knowing very well I did not need them, and so 20 minutes later I was at another Pac Sun, making sure NOT to make friends with the people who worked there and quickly returned my purchases. Needless to say I am working on how to say 'no'.

Ok I have no idea how I got from talking about the good that is happening in my life to that ridiculous story. Anyway, moving on. I am still at my beloved parents house, taking online classes and like I said earlier practically living at Justice. Things are good here, not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be to be here again after being gone for 4 years. But by the same token it is a great motivator for me to get back down to thatcher. I know I am going to miss my job more than anything if I go back, because chances are I will have to work a crappy work study or CNA job, but I keep telling myself there will be other greater social payoffs, such as institute and devotional, church activities that you are almost forced to go to because there is nothing else to do ( i don't mean that to have a negative connotation), roomates YAY! my own house ( I havent had my own space in about 7 months now, I freakin miss it!) actually taking meaningful classes, and best of all performing again, CHEER!:)

Well thats about where I am at right now, working, attempting online classes, trying to save along the way, and nightly wanting to punch Casey in the face cause he is so annoying...life is ok, no major complaints.

The grass is green right here.

Once upon a time, I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I thought If only I could do this, if only I could be there, If only he would like me, if only I would look like this than maybe, just maybe I might be happy.

On May 5, I left the town of thatcher thinking I would never go back, and I was satisfied with that judgment of mine. 4 months have gone by, five hundred thoughts and experiences later...oh what I would give to be back down there. Cabin fever could be a catalyst of this rash desperate opinion of mine. When I say cabin fever I mean seeing eating and breathing my crazy family life, they have basically been my life this summer...And I want OUT!!! Dont get me wrong I love them all, but I forgot what it was like to not have them around. To do what I wanted to do, make my own stupid mistakes, and have the freedom and luxuries to do so. Now a days it is quite the opposite, it has been mighty humbling having to rely on them, but it also gives me that extra encouragement to do what I need to to move forward and be on my own.

I think my first year at EA I was extremely self conscious and unsure about what I was doing, and rightfully so, it was my first time on my own, my first time using my money, everything I was doing was so foreign to me and I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was looking good to other people. A year later, and after reaping the paltry rewards of a people pleaser I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. That no matter if I did have the 'perfect' first year of college, if I did attend a University, if I was on scholarship, if I did have a boyfriend, If I was smart with every penny of my money, something still would have went wrong, under the microscope of other people somewhere along the line it wouldn't have been enough for other people. Its a never ending hole of un happiness when you try and play the role of a people pleaser and look gooder ( I just coined that new phrase). On the other hand, if you can sit yourself down, get real with the things that are going on in your life, the good the bad and the ugly, address it all, make a decision that you are ok with where you are at that exact moment , and become painfully honest with what YOU want, I think that is when happiness and progression can settle in and you can learn to see the lush vibrant green grass that you are already standing on.

Notice how I say learn to see, because its not something that just shows up one day. Its a behavior/ way of thinking that you teach yourself. Sometimes it takes just one bad day for some one to say I am sick of this, I dont like the way I feel when this happens, I am going to change this, tomorrow will be different starting with this new behavior...and then if your an Arnett it sometimes takes months even years of not liking whats happening for you to finally quick hitting that same wall, and decide to get a ladder and climb it. You have to get creative, you have to stop doing what you have always done and try something new.

Now back to me wanting to go back. I realize that it will in no way be the same EA it was the past two semesters. But as I was telling Missy who is going back, it will be a new EA, with new people and experiences awaiting her and I think that she is ready for that. I think anyone can be ready for that kind of change, and that being down there again with a new mind set will make it better than what it has been in the past.

Unfortunately I will not be going back down there, I am way too much in love with my new job, I am committed to saving my money, and I think its time for me to stick with a plan. At least for 3 months...I am learning to just take things a day at a time. Moral of the story, Im not sure, how bout I am a rambler/Motivational speaker:)

20 decisons that have changed me this summer...for better or worse.

1. Coming home from EA
2. being a Show Low EFY counselor
3. my cute little dance camp
4. going to Pennsylvania
5. deciding to come home from Pennsylvania
6. racking up more credit card debt
7. deciding not to use my credit card anymore
8. starting a job at Justice
9. Mine and Missys relationship
10. deciding to attend ASU
11. losing my purse and starting all over
12. deciding I really dont want to go to ASU
13. getting promoted at Justice
14. deciding I want to dance now more than ever before
15. getting a second and third job so that I can dance
16. oh and SYTYCD reminding me that I love to dance
17. learning not to ask everyone for an opinion
18. learning how to take resposibility from Dr. Phil
19. my talks with Wendy
20. deciding once more that Im sick of waiting around for preston

My Poem

Please stop telling me what to do
but then I ask and thats your cue

do this do that, dont be a joke
Nursing school? I think you'll choke.

You can do what you put your mind to
but first ask me and I'll have to approve

Your twenty years old, not a child of eight
its time you know mail in rebate

You need a boyfriend, how long has it been
your getting homlier, that can be a sin

well this is what I say to one and to all
I am the greatest, and I will not fall

I know what I want, and I will not rest
I fight hard, put me to the test

Sometimes Im helpless, and out of gas
but i will never be the one to finish last

so please, next time when you feel you need to say
Just dont, Im sick of all the 'advise'

i dropped my fifth phone of the summer in a toilet

need I say more (see 2 posts down)

"This Is So You Think You Can Dance, and Im your host Jackie Arnett!"

Ok so I am obssesed with "So you think you can dance". I dont know what it is, but that show just speaks to me. It could be all the down time I have on the days that I dont work but I like to re-watch all the episodes throughout the seasons, rate then re-rate all the dancers and the choreography, and it has just been a blissful experience for me, I do beleive that I have fallen in love with the art of dance again. Not that I ever stopped loving it, but my batteries have been re-charged again. I forgot what it was like to perform a piece in front of an audience that you have worked so hard on, and the gratifying feeling of a screaming audience, nothing like it I tell you. Dance has always facinated me, and since I was a little girl I knew I would be one someday. I used to think that 'someday' had already passed for me. I danced in high school, I was on the school dance team, I cheered in college, but I hate to say it ladies and Gents, but Im not done with dance, nor am I ready to set aside that continuing dream of mine. As many of you may know I am know heading my education in the direction of nursing, but I was thinking about it the other day what would be cooler than a nurse who also coaches her own dance team, or even still competes herself...I mulled it over and I think that is a brilliant idea! It is kind of alot to ask, but I firmly believe that I can have the best of both worlds. After all it was dance that taught me that I can do anything, I was by no means a naturaly gifted dancer like my beautiful niece Jancy, but in a time in my life when I didnt really feel like I was worth anything or that I was capable of accomplishing the secret dreams of mine, dance was the only thing I stood and fought for. It was the one passion that I kept burning when everything else in my life went numb. I do not usually have great vision, but with dance I have always been able to picture me perfoming and dancing so powerfully, and through my persistancy i was able to carry that over onto the stage. the power of positive thinking is real!! and dance taught me that. yes it did take me several years before I ever reached the point where I would allow myself to dance on stage with confidence, but it did happen, and I wanted it bad enough to where I wouldnt give up. So back to me not being a 'gifted' dancer, I think I am what you would call a dancer with heart. In the classes I would take and the teams I was on I always had to work a bit harder than the other girls to master a sequence of movements or the technique of turns, but I loved what I did so I would gladly persist. Dance became a powerful outlet for me, and as I am re-discovering it still is. And with that said I would like to present to you a dance performed by two of my favorite dancers on SYTYCD (one dancer is a favorite by default), the title of this dance is Heartbreaker, Look it up on youtube because I cant figure out how the heck to post it to my blog!

I love this dance because it illustrates perfectly how I feel. I think that sometimes it is just as painful to be the heart-breaker as it is to be the heart breakee. I know that just within this past year I have been progressing from moving on from a former love, and let me tell you it is hard as hell. There are days that go by that I dont even think of him, and I am happy with the person I am becoming without him. And then one week I will do nothing but think and dream of him day and night. It becomes a quite heavy and annoying repetive thought process. Because like Jeanine illustrates in this dance, no matter how hard you fight this person off, no matter how hard you throw them to the ground, and promise yourself that you are done, he still creeps his way in. Because on any given day I can go through my reportoire of memories with him and remember exactly how beautiful he made me feel, and how happy I became around him, but it doesnt change the fact that it is healthiest and best for me to leave it all behind today. Being a heartbreaker gets a bad rap alot of the time, one that describes you to be heartless and spineless, when in my book it means quite the opposite. The days when I can say 'I am done, its over, it was all worth it, but better days await me' are the days when I feel the strongest and most worth while. The cheap security that comes from holding on to him isnt worth neglecting the reality that I deserve the best even if I havent found it yet.

I believe in being cursed.

It all started out with buying my first nice phone. I got it off craigslist, and I was so proud a good hundred dollars spent. And so i had this phone for a good 24 hours before I went on a date, and we were talking and I seemed to be enjoying myself, when my phone basically crawled out of my pocket and through it self into the lake we were at. We managed to rescue it, but it was a gonner. And so I went to the alltel store and purchased another, same model, cheaper price (I had insurance), and so my week continued, and then the lovely July 10 rolled around, I hope you all know what day that is! Me and my brothers went to the lake for my birthday, I left my purse in his truck and headed out to play in the water. Well we returned and Casey dryly informed me that my purse was gone. Thats right someone broke into his truck and stole his phone and debt card, and my whole life AKA my purse. Digital camera, cell phone, wallet, social security card, hard drive with all the stories I was writing on them!, my Dr. Phil book, and my favorite body spray that was already taken from me at airport security once this summer, oh goodness the list goes on. And I mean I understand that kind of crap happens, but on a cute 20 year olds birthday? Really? Life is funny like that. And the thing is I am just one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, but I tell you I am getting pretty stumped on this one.

which brings me to my other story, this summer I had a job back east at a summer camp, I was the dance instructor, I was totally stoked to a part of such a great opportunity. but again life had a curve ball for me, sometimes things are not all they are cracked up to be. In my head I imagined this wholesome camp I would go to and be able to teach little kids dance, and make cute boy counselor friends. well back east is just as pretty as everyone says but this camp was not at all what I expected. As soon as I got there I felt sick, in my gut I knew I wasnt supposed to be there. it just felt wrong, I let it sit for a couple day before I called Cliff and we devised a genious plan to get me home. in short I threw some water in my eyes, i sadly proclaimed to the camp director that my dad had a heart attack. And BAM just like that the next morning I was in NYC taking several different buses to the Newark New Jersey airport. best and worst 3 days of my life. I sincerley believe i can do any hard thing now, no one would have believed that I could do any of what I did back there on my own. From getting a plane ticket to switching buses in the Big Apple. I was Lagit. Anyway, so on my 4 hour flight home, I kept thinking there was a reason I flew back there, saw those weird people at that camp, and felt prompted to leave days later, and there was a reason I needed to be back in Arizona for the summer.
I did get a job right away, I get a whole 8 hours a week. Not quite enough to pay off my plane ticket yet, but I will get there!

Ok I dont really remember where I was going with this post, its kinda all over the place...some side notes though, jancy ended up jumping in the pool with my phone, and once more I am phone less, broke, and basically jobless...but Everything happens for a reason. And I take full responsibility for all of this. (thats my new mantra)...lets see if I can reverse this 'curse' with it.

My Time To Shine

Well I am just going to update...Chea and I have an inside joke that my blog is the 'Peoples Punisher' (From Sydney White the movie), because no one reads my blog, partly because no one knows that I switched blog addresses and because my posts are long and drawn out, and I dont have pictures. But personally I like it this way, I can say whatever the heck I want...and for any readers who might be out there, I hope you enjoy, but if you dont, I dont give a hoot!

School is now in the home stretch for me, and I have bittersweet feelings. My roomates and I have finally decided to be social in the last two weeks of school, and so we have had alot of good times, but as I recall this is exactly what we did last semester! We stuck to ourselves and then when it came time for school to be over, we had some really good times. Isn't it funny how I sabatoged myself in this way...twice! Nonetheless, I am glad we have allowed ourselves to finally loosen up...and when I say we, I just mean me...as ironic as it is I am the anti-social one most the time.

I have a funny story to tell to exemlify that. The other weekend, a band came to safford to play, since this place is so hoppin you know? So the night previous to them playing we met at the Denny's, gave them our numbers and promised that we would go to the concert. No harm, and it was laid back enough for me to agree to go. So, the next night we are having a jolly good time at this concert, the music was pretty weird for my taste, but it kept my interest. It was Regae-Rap. So the last song is playing, and 5 or 6 girls decide to go up and dance in front of the stage, and if any of you know me there is nothing I hate more than being upstaged. Its funny cause these girls weren't trying to compete or anything, and its not like I was in love with this band...But all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming feeling to 'top' these ladies and prove that I was a bigger die hard fan than them...and So I did. Keeping in mind that this was all done in the name of attention. And so I jumped up on stage, and danced all up on the piano player, just giving him a run for his money ya know?:) For a moment there I felt like all the people in the auditorium were there to see me, it was great! Pictures were flashing from stage right, and then stage left, I felt like Hannah Montana. So the concert ends, we hang around to talk to the band, and I think that where it started to go up, I mean my wall of course. My roomates started discussing plans to hang out with the band, and I am thinking "why in the heck would I want to hang out with them, havent you ever heard of the term Go out on a Good Note?!' So I quickly informed them I would not be participating in this hang out, I just wanted to go home and read.

And so thus we see, either I am bi-polar, or scared. Im gonna go with the latter, because Im pretty sure bi-polar is a cop out. Isn't it retarted that I am nineteen years old and I still struggle to bring myself to hang out with other people. Because on most good days, I think I am cute, Im freaking funny, and I will entertain the crap out of anyone, but its like pulling teeth to get me to go to the institute building. Can anyone say Cliff?

Well the beauty of this situtation is that I am reading a book by Dr. Phil (dont anyone dis on him, he knows what he is talking about!) and I am learning why I do the things I do, what keeps me doing the habits of mine that I hate, and I no longer use the cop out 'well thats just the way I am'...Its really changed my perspective, I cant stop analyzing myself and all those around me. Its a liberating feeling to know that I am in control and that I can change my behaviors. I wish I could just place this knowledge in some of my loved ones brains. Because now when another hot band comes to Safford, I will say 'Hell yes we can hang out after the concert! And yes I know I got some killer moves!'

Buy my Book!

Well I am writing a book(s). So far its been a light sketch, just messing around with different ideas, but I think that this is what I should be doing in my life right now. I bought a jump drive the other day, and I usually end up typing more in my book folders than I do my homework assignments, but so far it has been a great release. I have several different stories/books that I want to write, the first being my years spent in Chea's home, then My life with my brothers, and then I am going to strickly write a book on overcoming the heart ache from your missionary leaving, and lastly I want to write dad's story. Its all kind of out of order, but I am writing what I can deal first, and then I will move in to the murky more hard to swallow stories. Already I have developed a different perspective and I am more at ease with my past than I have ever been before. So people, be prepared to laugh, cry, and mock, I have got some good stories coming your way... you can place orders now:)