welcome to growing up.

so im starting to notice that we never stop growing.

i used to think that there would just be "that age" when you had it together.

sorely mistaken. that age doesnt exist.

I always do this little exercise when I feel confused in life. Its called "in a perfect world"... I used to really like this game. It used to help me assess who I was, who I wanted to be and how to get there. I would ask myself "Jackie in a perfect world, what would be happening in your life?" I dont really like this game anymore.

Age has brought more experiences. some of them un pleasant. some out of my control. The kind that blind side you. "in a perfect world..." used to only consist of what experiences i wanted to create in my life. I never really had to take into account of how I would react to the experiences I didnt choose. Spoiled right? spoiled, and naive.

I guess you could say I am going through my first initiation into what we will now call the real world. This is where I have began deciding who is going to win. I am no longer 18 years old, I cant get away with the same "cute" mistakes and decisions as I have in the past. I dont get to blame much on immaturity anymore. I really do feel like this is a time in my life when I either sink or swim. Its been pretty un-nerving to realize that. Because its seriously a conscious decision every day. every. single. day. I have to decide to be strong jackie. not the weak one, who just wants to do whats easy. the one that wants to cry, and ask why.

"in a perfect world..." used to be something external. Looking back it really was just a control game, if anything. Life does not work that way though. You can do a pretty good job of aligning all your goals, even achieving them. But in the end we are not the ones who decide what growth we do and dont need. when our suffering begins and ends, we dont even get to decide when our joy is full.

Its all up to Heavenly Father. He knows our capabilities and capacities, He knows who and what we need. That has been a very frustrating truth to learn. It has meant letting go of my own tightly clutched beliefs and theories. My brother told me the other night that Heavenly Father is fully and completely aware of all the intricate details of our everyday life, our thoughts, feelings, desires and emotions. He knows whats going on in our head, and He has a plan. Nothing is by coincidence. His plan is greater than any idea or emotion that we can conjure up on our own.

I seriously hate this whole being out of control thing. I have always been obsessed with looking at my calendar, I love projecting where I will be in the future, I was all about a 5 year plan. These days I couldnt tell you where I will be next week haha. No, but seriously. But its ok.

Its a little bit scary. I kinda feel like I am walking in the dark. Not too sure where I am going to end up. And Im pretty positive that no matter how many birthdays I have, I will never have it all together. But I can learn to be happy now. I have learned to say "in a perfect world, can I please have enough inner strength to deal with the hard things in my life". And its completely possible. the hard things in this life were meant to be overcome. not succumbed to. it requires a bit of creativity. learning to do things you have never had to before. it means changing who you are, all that is comfortable, to reach a new level of happiness.

I will end with a quote that keeps me believing.

Our trials are not a reason to give up, but a challenge to improve ourselves, our pain is not an excuse to back out but an inspiration to move on.