That someone better has finally come along...Part Two

Editors Note: this post was a 'two day' post started at 1 am yesterday and continued today, so the ideas and feelings are kind of all over the place....just bear with me as I use this blog as a coping technique:)

What do you do when the person who just barely entered your life, has moved in with a bang, changed your heart, gave you a brand new perspective, and just in the blink of an eye they are gone.

Tell me this...How do I train my heart to not remember him?How do I change my thoughts in the morning from being 'I wonder when I will see him today' to I am not going to see him at all for a very long time...

I see Hayden every single day and at least half of my day is given to him. We both go to class first thing in the morning, and I can usually expect a text from him at 10 saying 'you in math', I think he just making sure I am there, learning what I need to learn. Afterwards a few of us always go to lunch, and then I am back off to class, sometimes he is too, and I can always count on seeing his explorer at my house as I turn the corner on to my street. Some days I get so excited, i run home. And the rest of the day is ours, we have spent hundreds if not thousands of hours together. Playing down at the river, riding quads, sleepovers, long walks early in the morning, in the library doing homework, on my couch doing homework, at his house doing homework, at sonic getting my third soda of the day, fighting on my living room floor, eating R and R Pizza, countless bonfires, swimming at the EA pool, and going to church. If Thatcher Arizona doesnt scream Hayden Richards to me I dont know what does. I will say I am a bit apprehensive to what I will feel when he is gone and I am still here in memory lane.

This brings me to my next point, a point that is so crucial, and why he is so different and perfect for me. Hayden doesnt expect me to wait. At first I think this bothered me, actually I know it bothered me. I like to think that I am the type of person who needs someone to be in crazy love with me, and given the attention hog that I am this is partially true, I have always asumed that when I was in love again it would defintely be the boy falling for me first, the boy telling me first, the boy just absolutley adoring me...and well with Hayd things are a little different. He cares about me, no questions asked, he is incredibly giving and full of charity, I know he would bend over backwards to do anything for me, but this boy is different. I am pretty sure he was put in my life to teach me some pretty crucial lessons that no one else in this life would have been capable of doing, or patient enough of doing (cause I am pretty sure many family members of mine have tried to teach me these things countless times). Hayden will tell me like it is, ok for instance back to the 'no expectations of me waiting'...He sees our relationship as a growing opportunity reguardless of what becomes of us, from the get go, he begged me to give it a shot purely just for the reason that we could make memories together, nothing more! He just wanted a friend to spend his last couple of months with, he said 'wouldnt it be cool to walk in a room and I would know that just by the way you looked at me that I was yours, that I was a step above all the other guys'. And I swear to you I didnt understand one bit of where he was coming from...wanna know why?? Well its because all of what he was saying was SANE, and RATIONAL!!! I have always thought love or relationships was a game to be played and won. I just am competitive, and feel like there needed to be an upperhand, that you are supposed to keep yourself gaurded, but as I am finding out thats not at all what it is about. Its about sharing yourlself with them, combining 'teams' to make a one stronger than you are alone. This has been a hard concept for me, just because when it comes to admitting weaknesses and asking for help Im not your poster child. I get mad, try and hide it and tell him I will take care of it on my own. He has told me that when you love and care for someone you share your weaknesses with eachother, no need to be embarrassed of them, and best of all its ok to have them. And as I am coming to realize, no matter what I tell him he is going to accept me. This boy is sweet, loving, spontaneous, bright, and above all logical. And if were all lucky some of his practicality will rub off on me.

We have already talked about what is going to happen when he leaves, and basically were not going to hold on to something that doesnt need to be held on to. Its like an awesome concert you go to, you have the time of your life, as the last song plays you wish it wouldnt, but its not like you think to yourself 'Im never going to leave this place, Im pitchin a tent here in this amphitheater'....you eventually go home, and you tell anyone and everyone just how awesome it was, and try and look for other amazing concerts to go to. It makes no sense to me to force and re-play old memories, it makes no sense to me to write a letter every week. I want to tell all girls who have sent a missionary off or who are about to, that its ok to turn the corner, its ok to let your life go on without wondering or dwelling on the past. It doesnt demean what you have, it just means that you have faith that you are where your supposed to be and that Heavenly Father has a plan for you with or without your missionary in your life. Dont fight it either, be open to change, be open to new people, new opportunitues, because if your too busy trying to 'remember' him an what you had, you wont progress and become the woman you need to be. Have faith that what is happening is all part of the plan. I can't tell you how much of my first year of college I wish I could re-do, all the analyzing and stunting of my growth I wish i could take back. I wasted valuable days, and I am so grateful that I know not to do that again, and that I have such a level headed person who encourages me to do so. He encourages me to go have fun, keep learning, and progressing, let our goodbye be goodbye, and move foreward with ourselves.

Sometimes I am baffled at how mature his thinking is for just a little 19 year old boy, he seems so much older than me in every possible way. How did I get so lucky?!