MY DANCE CAMP!!!

Tell anyone and everyone, who lives in the Gila Valley about this!!!! It is so much fun, and any little girl will love it!! Click on the picture to read the details!:)

T-Town

This is right after cheer tryouts, me and Dan went down to the temple to relax.

This is my girl!!!!

Writing down all our memories of last semester, she tried to go from january on down to may, but my memory is actually pretty terrible, I just remember that I fell in love:).

R.I.P Spring Semester '10

This past weekend were cheer tryouts, and Yes I made the team. YAY! Im a gila monster again, lets just hope I try and stop being one before Im 25. Im actually really excited to be on this team just because its so big and there is actually a fair amount of talent on the team. So my cheer life can now begin, I have to start earning money to go to cheer camp, and 2 weeks before school starts we have practices. As my coach was telling me all of these details I got kind of excited, because I thought "this just might be able to consume me". And as you can tell from my previous posts I need to fill some voids.

Anyway, so as I went down to Thatch for the first time since school ended I felt super apprehensive, it was so weird walking around my house and it being completely empty, and even weirder knowing that there was nobody in the town. My room was still the same, actually cleaner (thank you Danni), the bathroom still smelt the same, the fridge still had my same jug of water that I chug out of, but it really did almost feel eerie. But after having some good talks with Danni about the future and what we wanna do, we decided that its best not to try and recreate what last semester was. Nothing will ever come close to being as fun, we wont meet any people to replace the ones we met, but I decided that I am going to just accept the fall semester as it comes, and do my best not to reminese too much. What I want more than anything is to just be able to still be me, to still be able to laugh and be loud and have fun with all the people that I meet without any hesitation and stay single through it all, is that asking too much? But having already written a missionary before I am coming to find out it was a gift and a curse. I look at everything I have gone through and become because of it and there is no way that I will not be an unchanged person when Hayd comes home, and Im doing my best to just accept that, No matter how fun last semester was, or how many great memories I have, or how much I feel in my heart that I love Hayden, thats not enough to keep me the same person with the same feelings when he comes home. It just isn't, thats not enough for anyone. And I will even venture to say that its impossible. But I look at what I did with my first missionary and it wasn't until the year and a half mark that I finally allowed myself to start having fun and really embracing the things I liked I and wanted to do, and thats when I was happiest. Its like I didnt have a worry this past semester, I wasnt the least bit worried about making friends or trying to be known for something, but thats when I made the most friends. I dont want to skip a beat with Haydens absence I want to be able to jump right in to being happy and progressing, because I know thats what he would want for me. My sister said it best to me the other day, the first missionary took two years from me, and Hayden is giving me two years.

And so this brings me to point B, what am I going to do with myself? That has become a very daunting question, and to be honest with you I think it is for any 21 year old girl, reguardless of where you are or what your circumstances are. I look at my good friend Danni, and she is just as lost as me when it comes to deciding what comes from life after EA. She doesn't know if she should come back to EA for the 'one more' semester or get brave and leave AZ all together, but I told her what ever she does make sure that she knows she is moving forward. Thats how I know that I don't want to come back to the mesa area when I am all done in Thatcher. But its still pretty scary business getting the guts to make a move. Whether it be deciding to go on a mission or applying to a univeristy, both make me sweat.

Anyway so about putting spring semester to rest, Im going to put all my memories into a folder, a very special folder that is, one with sparkles and hearts drawn on it, and keep living my life with a positive mindset and spazy demeanor that I have had, and on the days that are hard and that I miss Hayden I will pull out that sparkly folder and let myself remember one special memory, possibly cry a little, maybe write hayden a letter telling him about my day, pray for him and then carefully put the memory back, and think of all the opportunities that are still awaiting me and just how happy the future can be... And if this doesnt help me get through my days then I am flying my butt down to Guatemala. No questions asked.

WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! I'm exhausting.

Editors Note: Im not a very personal person, so read with caution, Im an open book. Some of my views, opinions, analogys, may offend you. Continue on if you can accept me for me:)

Well Its been almost 2 weeks, and 3 since I last saw him. My heart still aches first thing in the morning, and falls asleep to memories every night. GOLLY! This is so hard! I feel like this time around things are so different, I dont feel like a young, vulnerable 18 year old barely entering college. I feel like a spitfire 21 year old who knows what she wants, and is a little pissed it just go taken from her, but also underneath it all I can feel the massive learning experience that is erupting. This is by far one of the most faith-trying experience I have ever had. Everyday the feelings and emotions are so tangible, and I can actually feel myself make the conciseness decsion of whether or not I am going to let my feelings of despair ruin my day, or whether I am going to tell my Heavenly Father that I trust Him and have faith that things will get better. Its so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, fills me with alot of doubt when I let my mind sit on it too long, but I have felt the love that comes from faith, and the peace that comes from prayer. And I am also realizing that as I am still mourning and still trying to let these fresh wounds heal, that I am still going to cry and thats ok. I was telling Missy the other day, Im scared to death of going back to my room in Thatcher, where Danni wont be on her bed, and Hayden wont be barging in anytime soon. Its a real lonley feeling, and I am finding out that the more I just cry it out and aknoweldge how I am feeling, the days get progressively better, and it does help that Haydens letters are so him, he still cracks me up (and Im not saying that just because he was my boyfriend, he really is freakin hilarious) and he is so positive and real about everything, its not like he is sending me a slew of scriptures to read, his letters sound like how he would speak to me, dry, sweet, full of advise tinged with sarcasm, not like a sermon.

I remember that someone once told me that when your going through a trying time, the answer to your prayer isnt just going to come to you one day, and its almost never going to come in the form that you want it. But the answers and peace that you need is going to come through other people, they told me that you have to listen closely to what others say to you because what they have to say could be just what you needed to hear that day. And that happened Saturday when I saw my roomate Aimee at a shower, she too has a missionary who has been out for 10 months and she knows all too well the pain I am experiencing. Just her hug was enough to make me feel at peace and comforted. All the relating she did with me made me a bit weepy but helped me feel normal, and I felt a little bit better just conversing with her. And I find that to be a true blessing , thats how He reaches us in the times we need Him most. And again it happend last night as I was talking to my best friend Jenna on the phone, we are in quite opposite positions (she is married) but what she had to say helped shed some logic on my situation. I have been worrying alot about the future and marriage and how it will all work out according to what I want, and she said that I dont need to worry that in the end its all up to me. So that if something happens that I dont like, or if I date someone that I dont like its my job to stop it, Im never going to have to feel 'fated' into something, that everything we do is up to us, including who we marry. It wasnt chosen previously who we are supposed to marry. And thats probably common sense to alot you, but to me I needed to hear that in a different way for it to really hit home, and again that was a blessing.

So, yes this summer is going to be a bit hard, my heart is going to be in pain, but no this is not going to be a forever lasting thing, and yes I can keep progressing if I allow myself to. Can I get an Amen??