Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Like it or not summer is here.
Its here...the day that I dreaded so badly has come, and knocked me down. Let me tell you just because I have gone through this before does not make this pain any less. If anything the pain that I remembered having as an eighteen year old, left all alone as her missionary left has only grown. That empty pit in my stomach is bigger, I feel like someone has found more of my guts to rip out of me, I have a hundred times the amount of tears to cry, but worst of all I get to go through this in the exact place I did 2 years ago, right here in Queen Creek...its like some type of sick deja vu. Kill me.
I said goodbye to my perfect Hayden Tuesday at the Boise Airport at 3pm, and I have never felt more scared in my life. He walked me in holding my hand and bags, helped me get my boarding pass, waited for me to go to the bathroom, and right before I went through security we kissed goodbye for what could be the last time. it was short and sweet, I didnt want to cry too many tears in front of him becuase thats all I had been doing for the past 48 hours. But as soon as he left, i tried my best not to look back and watch him walk away, and I wiped away as many tears as I could as I gave my drivers liscence to the security check lady.
I think I want to back up now, and talk about the perfect 6 days I got to spend in Boise. Definetely a once in a lifetime experience. I mean the drive up there alone was enough to be a milestone (17 grueling hours in his explorer). We left at 4 am wednesday morning, and we drove all day through Nevada till we finally reached Boise at 8 or 9 at night. And the trip up there consisted of very few bathroom breaks, which is remarkable for me, a passing through Las Vegas, lunch in no-where ville, small rainstorms, Hayden trying his best to bug me, one long fight put on by me, Hayden singing loudly and not nailing a single word in any song for about an hour, and voila! We finally hit Idaho...lots of farm land at first, and he drove me the scenic way, showed me the Snake River, which was huge enough to be a lake in my Arizonian book. We drove about 20 minutes through Boise and every house I saw in this town looked like it was pulled right out of a story book, everything in this town was either on a hill or surrounded by giagantic trees. It was breathtaking. And then we began to drive out of the city and into some bigger hills and I saw a sign that said 4 miles to Hidden Springs, thats his neighborhood. Hayden pulled into a dirt drive way with a huge white picket fence that covered acres and acres of green grass, this house had a HUGE pond in front, and the house looked like the freakin White House...needless to say I refused to get out of the car. He said casually were home, shut off the car, and opened his door...and for a split second I thought this really could be it, but he had a stupid smirk on his face that gave him away. Praise the heavens, my boyfriend is not filthy rich, just rich:) Anyway he pulled into a real neighborhood up the road And I thought Boise looked like a fairytale, but this place was insane. Hidden Springs is a neighborhood with a Mercantile, a fire station, a couple small family businesses and a school. So freakin cute.
We pulled up to his house, and as I watched him walked into his house, it all came together. A part of him I hadnt seen, a part of him that was missing finally came together, He was home. I got to see him in his element, I loved watching him interact with his family, the way he hugged his dad, and the way he teased his little brothers, it was perfect and beautiful. I am so glad I went up there, I cant imagine not going. The first night we stayed in his house, it just felt safe. I wasnt nervous and scared like I had imagined I wouldve been. Everyone in his family was so nice to me, and as the days went on I felt closer and closer to everyone. They were so down to earth, and not to mention all so funny. The six days I spent up there flew by, he took me around and introduced me to tons of different people, showed me his high school, his elementary school, his old house, I met his grandparents, he drove me up to a town called McCall, took me to down town Boise, he showed me so much!
Now I have to be completely honest my last two days there I got a little bit weepy, I could just look at him and it was enough to make me cry. I knew exactly what was coming...the end was. At night I would just hold him as tight as I could, I would squeeze his cheeks and say 'you're still real! We are still real', and I am so glad I did, because now that I am back in Arizona, my life is going to take a different direction, one that doesnt involve him, and he is no longer 'real'. Just like that its done. Right before I left his house, it was pouring rain, very fitting for the occasion, his dad called haydens cell phone and asked to talk to me, His dad told me that it was good to meet me, he told me I could come back and stay anytime:) and that right there was enough to make me choke up, but I think the best was when he was driving me to the airport, and I was trying so hard to be strong not to let all my tears take up our last precious moments. And thats when he started singing Veggie Tales at the top of his lungs, and incredibly off key...I began to bawl. Thats my Hayden, so sweet and childlike, would do anything to make anyone smile, and I knew I wouldnt get to hear him sing like that for a long time.
Im not all emotional because I wont get to see him for 2 years, whats irking me the most is who we are going to be in 2 years. Thats where I am most pissed off at. Chea already informed me there is 3% success rate of girls who actually marry their missionary they sent off, not very promising. And I know very well from firsthand experience that 2 years shapes you into someone else, and Hayd tells me all the time that he has zero expectations for me and him...Cool, (I mean that very dryly...THIS IS SO GAY!). But as I am learning everyday, nothing is going to change, regaurdless Hayden is going on a mission wednesday, I am going to be in Queen Creek for 2 and a half months, and no matter how hard I cry It wont bring me back him, and I wont be able to reverse me falling in love with him...all that has happend is done and over with, and I cant change what is. Me being angry at all the 'what if's' will only drown me, and I feel it everyday, I have to fight the urge to not think about losing Hayd forever. I cant even think about the future without my stomach turning, and so Im not going to. Im just going to look as far as tomorrow goes, and do my best to be happy because thats what he would want me to do.
Hayden told me on our trip up to Idaho, that its my job to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for comfort. And I said I dont want to get over you, so I dont want to pray yet. But he said that I dont have to pray to get over him, I just have to pray to get through everything. And that was just what I needed to hear. He told me that getting through this could mean a number of different things, and that I just need to have faith. And so everyday that I wake up now, the first thing I think is that Heavenly Father wont put me through anything I wont be able to handle, and He obliviously thought I could handle sending off a second missionary and that it serves a purpose other than heartache. Just keep moving forward, and not getting sucked into sad feelings is my major goal this summer, if that means running my butt off again, or throwing myself into 3 jobs, so be it! I have done hard things before, its just reminding myself how to fight again is all this is.
I said goodbye to my perfect Hayden Tuesday at the Boise Airport at 3pm, and I have never felt more scared in my life. He walked me in holding my hand and bags, helped me get my boarding pass, waited for me to go to the bathroom, and right before I went through security we kissed goodbye for what could be the last time. it was short and sweet, I didnt want to cry too many tears in front of him becuase thats all I had been doing for the past 48 hours. But as soon as he left, i tried my best not to look back and watch him walk away, and I wiped away as many tears as I could as I gave my drivers liscence to the security check lady.
I think I want to back up now, and talk about the perfect 6 days I got to spend in Boise. Definetely a once in a lifetime experience. I mean the drive up there alone was enough to be a milestone (17 grueling hours in his explorer). We left at 4 am wednesday morning, and we drove all day through Nevada till we finally reached Boise at 8 or 9 at night. And the trip up there consisted of very few bathroom breaks, which is remarkable for me, a passing through Las Vegas, lunch in no-where ville, small rainstorms, Hayden trying his best to bug me, one long fight put on by me, Hayden singing loudly and not nailing a single word in any song for about an hour, and voila! We finally hit Idaho...lots of farm land at first, and he drove me the scenic way, showed me the Snake River, which was huge enough to be a lake in my Arizonian book. We drove about 20 minutes through Boise and every house I saw in this town looked like it was pulled right out of a story book, everything in this town was either on a hill or surrounded by giagantic trees. It was breathtaking. And then we began to drive out of the city and into some bigger hills and I saw a sign that said 4 miles to Hidden Springs, thats his neighborhood. Hayden pulled into a dirt drive way with a huge white picket fence that covered acres and acres of green grass, this house had a HUGE pond in front, and the house looked like the freakin White House...needless to say I refused to get out of the car. He said casually were home, shut off the car, and opened his door...and for a split second I thought this really could be it, but he had a stupid smirk on his face that gave him away. Praise the heavens, my boyfriend is not filthy rich, just rich:) Anyway he pulled into a real neighborhood up the road And I thought Boise looked like a fairytale, but this place was insane. Hidden Springs is a neighborhood with a Mercantile, a fire station, a couple small family businesses and a school. So freakin cute.
We pulled up to his house, and as I watched him walked into his house, it all came together. A part of him I hadnt seen, a part of him that was missing finally came together, He was home. I got to see him in his element, I loved watching him interact with his family, the way he hugged his dad, and the way he teased his little brothers, it was perfect and beautiful. I am so glad I went up there, I cant imagine not going. The first night we stayed in his house, it just felt safe. I wasnt nervous and scared like I had imagined I wouldve been. Everyone in his family was so nice to me, and as the days went on I felt closer and closer to everyone. They were so down to earth, and not to mention all so funny. The six days I spent up there flew by, he took me around and introduced me to tons of different people, showed me his high school, his elementary school, his old house, I met his grandparents, he drove me up to a town called McCall, took me to down town Boise, he showed me so much!
Now I have to be completely honest my last two days there I got a little bit weepy, I could just look at him and it was enough to make me cry. I knew exactly what was coming...the end was. At night I would just hold him as tight as I could, I would squeeze his cheeks and say 'you're still real! We are still real', and I am so glad I did, because now that I am back in Arizona, my life is going to take a different direction, one that doesnt involve him, and he is no longer 'real'. Just like that its done. Right before I left his house, it was pouring rain, very fitting for the occasion, his dad called haydens cell phone and asked to talk to me, His dad told me that it was good to meet me, he told me I could come back and stay anytime:) and that right there was enough to make me choke up, but I think the best was when he was driving me to the airport, and I was trying so hard to be strong not to let all my tears take up our last precious moments. And thats when he started singing Veggie Tales at the top of his lungs, and incredibly off key...I began to bawl. Thats my Hayden, so sweet and childlike, would do anything to make anyone smile, and I knew I wouldnt get to hear him sing like that for a long time.
Im not all emotional because I wont get to see him for 2 years, whats irking me the most is who we are going to be in 2 years. Thats where I am most pissed off at. Chea already informed me there is 3% success rate of girls who actually marry their missionary they sent off, not very promising. And I know very well from firsthand experience that 2 years shapes you into someone else, and Hayd tells me all the time that he has zero expectations for me and him...Cool, (I mean that very dryly...THIS IS SO GAY!). But as I am learning everyday, nothing is going to change, regaurdless Hayden is going on a mission wednesday, I am going to be in Queen Creek for 2 and a half months, and no matter how hard I cry It wont bring me back him, and I wont be able to reverse me falling in love with him...all that has happend is done and over with, and I cant change what is. Me being angry at all the 'what if's' will only drown me, and I feel it everyday, I have to fight the urge to not think about losing Hayd forever. I cant even think about the future without my stomach turning, and so Im not going to. Im just going to look as far as tomorrow goes, and do my best to be happy because thats what he would want me to do.
Hayden told me on our trip up to Idaho, that its my job to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for comfort. And I said I dont want to get over you, so I dont want to pray yet. But he said that I dont have to pray to get over him, I just have to pray to get through everything. And that was just what I needed to hear. He told me that getting through this could mean a number of different things, and that I just need to have faith. And so everyday that I wake up now, the first thing I think is that Heavenly Father wont put me through anything I wont be able to handle, and He obliviously thought I could handle sending off a second missionary and that it serves a purpose other than heartache. Just keep moving forward, and not getting sucked into sad feelings is my major goal this summer, if that means running my butt off again, or throwing myself into 3 jobs, so be it! I have done hard things before, its just reminding myself how to fight again is all this is.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
That someone better has finally come along...Part Two
Editors Note: this post was a 'two day' post started at 1 am yesterday and continued today, so the ideas and feelings are kind of all over the place....just bear with me as I use this blog as a coping technique:)
Tell me this...How do I train my heart to not remember him?How do I change my thoughts in the morning from being 'I wonder when I will see him today' to I am not going to see him at all for a very long time...
I see Hayden every single day and at least half of my day is given to him. We both go to class first thing in the morning, and I can usually expect a text from him at 10 saying 'you in math', I think he just making sure I am there, learning what I need to learn. Afterwards a few of us always go to lunch, and then I am back off to class, sometimes he is too, and I can always count on seeing his explorer at my house as I turn the corner on to my street. Some days I get so excited, i run home. And the rest of the day is ours, we have spent hundreds if not thousands of hours together. Playing down at the river, riding quads, sleepovers, long walks early in the morning, in the library doing homework, on my couch doing homework, at his house doing homework, at sonic getting my third soda of the day, fighting on my living room floor, eating R and R Pizza, countless bonfires, swimming at the EA pool, and going to church. If Thatcher Arizona doesnt scream Hayden Richards to me I dont know what does. I will say I am a bit apprehensive to what I will feel when he is gone and I am still here in memory lane.
This brings me to my next point, a point that is so crucial, and why he is so different and perfect for me. Hayden doesnt expect me to wait. At first I think this bothered me, actually I know it bothered me. I like to think that I am the type of person who needs someone to be in crazy love with me, and given the attention hog that I am this is partially true, I have always asumed that when I was in love again it would defintely be the boy falling for me first, the boy telling me first, the boy just absolutley adoring me...and well with Hayd things are a little different. He cares about me, no questions asked, he is incredibly giving and full of charity, I know he would bend over backwards to do anything for me, but this boy is different. I am pretty sure he was put in my life to teach me some pretty crucial lessons that no one else in this life would have been capable of doing, or patient enough of doing (cause I am pretty sure many family members of mine have tried to teach me these things countless times). Hayden will tell me like it is, ok for instance back to the 'no expectations of me waiting'...He sees our relationship as a growing opportunity reguardless of what becomes of us, from the get go, he begged me to give it a shot purely just for the reason that we could make memories together, nothing more! He just wanted a friend to spend his last couple of months with, he said 'wouldnt it be cool to walk in a room and I would know that just by the way you looked at me that I was yours, that I was a step above all the other guys'. And I swear to you I didnt understand one bit of where he was coming from...wanna know why?? Well its because all of what he was saying was SANE, and RATIONAL!!! I have always thought love or relationships was a game to be played and won. I just am competitive, and feel like there needed to be an upperhand, that you are supposed to keep yourself gaurded, but as I am finding out thats not at all what it is about. Its about sharing yourlself with them, combining 'teams' to make a one stronger than you are alone. This has been a hard concept for me, just because when it comes to admitting weaknesses and asking for help Im not your poster child. I get mad, try and hide it and tell him I will take care of it on my own. He has told me that when you love and care for someone you share your weaknesses with eachother, no need to be embarrassed of them, and best of all its ok to have them. And as I am coming to realize, no matter what I tell him he is going to accept me. This boy is sweet, loving, spontaneous, bright, and above all logical. And if were all lucky some of his practicality will rub off on me.
We have already talked about what is going to happen when he leaves, and basically were not going to hold on to something that doesnt need to be held on to. Its like an awesome concert you go to, you have the time of your life, as the last song plays you wish it wouldnt, but its not like you think to yourself 'Im never going to leave this place, Im pitchin a tent here in this amphitheater'....you eventually go home, and you tell anyone and everyone just how awesome it was, and try and look for other amazing concerts to go to. It makes no sense to me to force and re-play old memories, it makes no sense to me to write a letter every week. I want to tell all girls who have sent a missionary off or who are about to, that its ok to turn the corner, its ok to let your life go on without wondering or dwelling on the past. It doesnt demean what you have, it just means that you have faith that you are where your supposed to be and that Heavenly Father has a plan for you with or without your missionary in your life. Dont fight it either, be open to change, be open to new people, new opportunitues, because if your too busy trying to 'remember' him an what you had, you wont progress and become the woman you need to be. Have faith that what is happening is all part of the plan. I can't tell you how much of my first year of college I wish I could re-do, all the analyzing and stunting of my growth I wish i could take back. I wasted valuable days, and I am so grateful that I know not to do that again, and that I have such a level headed person who encourages me to do so. He encourages me to go have fun, keep learning, and progressing, let our goodbye be goodbye, and move foreward with ourselves.
Sometimes I am baffled at how mature his thinking is for just a little 19 year old boy, he seems so much older than me in every possible way. How did I get so lucky?!
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