Well I just came to take a peak at my blog for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months, and I read my last post. Very ironic. Because today I am going to blog about how awesome the healing process is coming along.
Let me clear something up first...In no way was I devastated or completley heart broken, I just knew that what I was feeling inside wasn't healthy, and that it was time for me to finally get myself together and move forward...fearlessly. And so that is exactly what I did as I headed back down to school in Thatcher. I was so happy to be back, and still am! This place is my home...not forever, but it is a wonderful stand in. I have had so many opportunities to grow here, every single day I wake up, I thank Heavenly Father for softening my heart and directing me back to this place, I know that I would not be nearly as happy of a person somewhere else. As many of you know, I have kept cheering, and that was the primary reason for returning, but has definelty just turned out to be a perk to an otherwise already picture perfect semester.
Before I returned to EA, I couldnt stress enough to everyone how positive I would not meet anyone that I would be remotely attracted to let alone date, so I was completley positive that this semester was gonna be all about ME!! No worries about boys, or anything relating to that area. Because first of all its Thatcher, I am absolutley positive I didnt want to settle down with anyone who wanted to stay put in such a place, so that took out a good 40% of the males down there, and I am pretty sure the other 59% are weirdo's who just creep you out, and are from towns such at Belin, St. Johns, Snowflake...lovely people, just not headed in the direction I would want to be. And so, that leaves me with a percentage of one....it was the percentage I didnt even bother with beacuse I was positive that this semester at EA was just to relax, be me, have fun, and I guess knock out a few classes.Something I didnt let myself do last year. Basically, this small chance of me meeting someone was so overlooked and quite frankly I considered impossible.
I didnt calculate the chance that there would be a sweet loving boy from Boise, Idaho, here for me to meet and that he would be just what I needed at this time in my life.
That just goes to show that Heavenly Father has plans that are bigger than us... He is aware of our circumstances, and no matter how well we think we know ourselves, and try to dictate our everyday lives, we are powerless to His plan.
This is all not to say that things started out smoothly between me and Hayden (BTW, his name is Hayden). I think I remember saying to my cousin the first time I met him that he was super gay, in short I thought this boy and me will clash. I think mostly because we are both attention loving people, and he might have been stepping into my spotlight (promise I am not concieted). Anyway, he kept coming around, as a bunch of friends we would all go to lunch, I remember several nights wrestling the crap out of him, and one night I actually punched him in his face...he left quite upset, but needless to say the next day he still came around. He fixed my car when I didnt have the slightest clue why the steering wheel made an awful noice, he laughed at me when I got a ridiculous spray on tan, told me he was going to pee in my laundry if i left it at his house, would rudely tell me to 'kennel up' when I would talk a little bit louder than everyone else in the house, he made me feel ridiculously stupid for ACCIDENTLY kissing him, and a couple days later embarrassed the crap out of me in front all our friends by unexpectedly kissing me goodbye as if it was completely normal. And best of all he would tell how big of a brat I was all the time. After all of this I began to fall...romantic right? fighting, peeing in laundry, telling me I'm a brat...He was just right for me.
With Hayden there was never any pretending, I am who I am and he takes it. He doesn't tell me I need to change certain parts about myself. Is anyone else seeing the irony to this situation? Hayden is exactly what I needed right now. I needed to meet someone who could love me for me, someone to show me that its ok to have imperfections and flaws. Because I know all too well how it feels to constantly be trying to change myself for someone, I have always been a people plesaser, its a super counter productive attribute to have, not to mention it will make you crazy! I turned myself inside out trying to be a 'perfect enough' girl for a very long time, and I havent ever felt so relieved and content as I do now...since I have met someone who tells me everyday that I am perfect as I am now, who doesnt have unrealistic expectations for me. Now I'm not saying Me and Hayd are head over heels for eachother, or that I am ready for round 2 in the whole mission waiting game, but I am saying that I am incredibly grateful that I have met someone who was able to show me that I'm ok, Im worth something reguardless of my intensily crazy side.
May 26 (His departure date) is gonna come pretty fast. No matter how much I hate it, I wake up every morning and wish it wasn't a new day, one less day I have with a new best friend. He is going to head on his way to Guatemala, I'll continue on with school. Before both of us know it, it will be six months later and were barely a recent memory...I think that is the hardest part for me, that things could happen so fast, he could mean so much and BAM just like that those days are gone. It wont change that he shaped me for the better, and that he was a catalyst to molding a new part of me, its just going to be a hard pill to swallow. But I think its a little to late in the game for me to try and protect myself, or pretend I dont care for him just for the sake of me not getting too attached. I decided that I am going to look at it as a tiny miracle, be grateful for it as its happening, and don't get too pissed off as it slowly dissappears. Bottom line is someone else is in control, and If I do what I am supposed to I will keep getting blessed with these tiny miracles, and maybe better at letting people go.
Ok, now I am going to go to the bathroom and bawl for an hour.
