The grass is green right here.

Once upon a time, I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I thought If only I could do this, if only I could be there, If only he would like me, if only I would look like this than maybe, just maybe I might be happy.

On May 5, I left the town of thatcher thinking I would never go back, and I was satisfied with that judgment of mine. 4 months have gone by, five hundred thoughts and experiences later...oh what I would give to be back down there. Cabin fever could be a catalyst of this rash desperate opinion of mine. When I say cabin fever I mean seeing eating and breathing my crazy family life, they have basically been my life this summer...And I want OUT!!! Dont get me wrong I love them all, but I forgot what it was like to not have them around. To do what I wanted to do, make my own stupid mistakes, and have the freedom and luxuries to do so. Now a days it is quite the opposite, it has been mighty humbling having to rely on them, but it also gives me that extra encouragement to do what I need to to move forward and be on my own.

I think my first year at EA I was extremely self conscious and unsure about what I was doing, and rightfully so, it was my first time on my own, my first time using my money, everything I was doing was so foreign to me and I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was looking good to other people. A year later, and after reaping the paltry rewards of a people pleaser I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. That no matter if I did have the 'perfect' first year of college, if I did attend a University, if I was on scholarship, if I did have a boyfriend, If I was smart with every penny of my money, something still would have went wrong, under the microscope of other people somewhere along the line it wouldn't have been enough for other people. Its a never ending hole of un happiness when you try and play the role of a people pleaser and look gooder ( I just coined that new phrase). On the other hand, if you can sit yourself down, get real with the things that are going on in your life, the good the bad and the ugly, address it all, make a decision that you are ok with where you are at that exact moment , and become painfully honest with what YOU want, I think that is when happiness and progression can settle in and you can learn to see the lush vibrant green grass that you are already standing on.

Notice how I say learn to see, because its not something that just shows up one day. Its a behavior/ way of thinking that you teach yourself. Sometimes it takes just one bad day for some one to say I am sick of this, I dont like the way I feel when this happens, I am going to change this, tomorrow will be different starting with this new behavior...and then if your an Arnett it sometimes takes months even years of not liking whats happening for you to finally quick hitting that same wall, and decide to get a ladder and climb it. You have to get creative, you have to stop doing what you have always done and try something new.

Now back to me wanting to go back. I realize that it will in no way be the same EA it was the past two semesters. But as I was telling Missy who is going back, it will be a new EA, with new people and experiences awaiting her and I think that she is ready for that. I think anyone can be ready for that kind of change, and that being down there again with a new mind set will make it better than what it has been in the past.

Unfortunately I will not be going back down there, I am way too much in love with my new job, I am committed to saving my money, and I think its time for me to stick with a plan. At least for 3 months...I am learning to just take things a day at a time. Moral of the story, Im not sure, how bout I am a rambler/Motivational speaker:)