June 17- The day my life changed.

Well, it was dramatic but I dont know that it fully sunk in that I had a child till a few days later. when the epidural and morphine all fully left my system. Even now I am still in shock that I have a sweet little boy, currently 3 lbs 12 oz, a bottle sucking big boy who is no longer in an incubator.

As many of you know, I was induced on the 16th at 9 pm. It was all naturally, with the help of little balloons they inserted that would help my cervix expand. And 6 hours later I was contracting. Wow that sucked. by 9 am the next day I had an epidural, and I had never felt so relieved and relaxed in my life. Little baby boy didnt love my contractions, by 11 am the doctor came in to tell me it was time to pull the plug on the idea of delivering vaginally. Cliffords heart rate kept dropping with each contraction. So it was time to prep for surgery. Hayden was pumped. (see picture below)

Obviously, the c section is a pretty standard an un-eventful surgery. But it doesnt change the fact that I was WIPED out from it. I puked before, during and after. Super grateful I felt nothing. And the whole process didnt take that long, but Im so glad Hayden was there. I remember Clifford being pulled from me with a loud cry, and Hayden crying out "hes perfect". He was able to hold him right away while I just lay there feeling very lifeless and drugged. Someone needed to hold our baby right away, and I most certainly couldnt. 

3 hours later, I finally was able to hold my baby. Again so grateful for Hayden. He was able to be with him the whole time. I always have known Hayden would be an amazing father, but he is seriously going above and beyond. He is OBSESSED with our little guy. 

No one wants to be in the NICU or have a baby that is 6 weeks early. But to be honest giving birth, staying in the hospital, and visiting our baby there everyday has been pretty ideal. Clifford came out breathing on his own, he is now eating 70% of his feedings from a bottle, he maintains his own body temperature and therefore he sleeps in a big boy bed. We have hopes of going home soon. 

I think the real fun will begin once he is in our home. I spend as much time in the NICU as I can, but it still means that I miss out on A LOT of time with him, and I do feel a little bit distant at times. But I am really hoping that once he is home, and I have to take care of him all day long I will feel better and more like his mom.

Clifford has changed my life. In a perfect way. I never would have pegged myself for the selfless type  but it truly does come so naturally now. He is so sweet and small and I want the absolute best for him. My main worry is that I will not be a good enough mom for him, I want to be everything for him. Im pretty sure thats what motherhood should feel like. 

Introducing Clifford.

well this is a little depressing. its been years since i have updated. blogging is not for the faint of heart.

much has happened in the 2 and a half years I have spent married to hayden and living in idaho. I would be lying if I said I wasnt living a dream here with him. He truly is my saving grace, and love of my life. and our family will be growing to 3 in just a matter of weeks. how the heck did that happen?! it feels like just yesterday the two of us were just wild kids down at EA having a good time.


I think the weirdest feeling about our family growing is swallowing the fact that I, Jackie will be a mother. Lots of girls totally have a calling for that kind of thing...and well for me it just plain freaks me out. But as time is inching closer that we will meet the baby I am starting to really feel like I might actually like this whole gig:) My pregnancy started out pretty normal, the typical morning sickness and up until 27 weeks he was growing on track. and then the doctors discovered that my placenta was really aging quickly, and my umbilical cord was not pumping properly and our little guy was in the 10th percentile. So we got whisked into the high risk category of pregnancy, and it has been a roller coaster ever since. I really feel like this is all an effect of my RA, It only seems logical that my body would also go into attacking my placenta as well as my joints. So we just take it an appointment at a time, until they give us the word that baby is no longer safe in me. This weekend Wendy and Britney came to visit and help get everything in order before he does come. What a blessing! Especially since I do not have a knack for cleaning or decorating.

Her is a little 3D picture of our baby sucking on his thumb. He looks so much like hayden to me already.

the cutest nursery that my sisters helped me create! So pleased with how it turned out.

and here I am in all my 155 pounds of glory. the weight gain and water retention is not a pretty thing, and i am only 33 weeks! I selfishly hope I can give birth soon just to avoid the further spreading! 

Well I believe I have given a pretty good synopsis of all that has been happening in our world. I am fully aware everything is about to change, but as each day passes I feel more and more excited for it all. As long as hayden is by my side I feel like nothing is impossible and every thing is an adventure. I have no doubt his offspring will give me those same feelings everyday too. Lets et this show on the road!!!