June 17- The day my life changed.

Well, it was dramatic but I dont know that it fully sunk in that I had a child till a few days later. when the epidural and morphine all fully left my system. Even now I am still in shock that I have a sweet little boy, currently 3 lbs 12 oz, a bottle sucking big boy who is no longer in an incubator.

As many of you know, I was induced on the 16th at 9 pm. It was all naturally, with the help of little balloons they inserted that would help my cervix expand. And 6 hours later I was contracting. Wow that sucked. by 9 am the next day I had an epidural, and I had never felt so relieved and relaxed in my life. Little baby boy didnt love my contractions, by 11 am the doctor came in to tell me it was time to pull the plug on the idea of delivering vaginally. Cliffords heart rate kept dropping with each contraction. So it was time to prep for surgery. Hayden was pumped. (see picture below)

Obviously, the c section is a pretty standard an un-eventful surgery. But it doesnt change the fact that I was WIPED out from it. I puked before, during and after. Super grateful I felt nothing. And the whole process didnt take that long, but Im so glad Hayden was there. I remember Clifford being pulled from me with a loud cry, and Hayden crying out "hes perfect". He was able to hold him right away while I just lay there feeling very lifeless and drugged. Someone needed to hold our baby right away, and I most certainly couldnt. 

3 hours later, I finally was able to hold my baby. Again so grateful for Hayden. He was able to be with him the whole time. I always have known Hayden would be an amazing father, but he is seriously going above and beyond. He is OBSESSED with our little guy. 

No one wants to be in the NICU or have a baby that is 6 weeks early. But to be honest giving birth, staying in the hospital, and visiting our baby there everyday has been pretty ideal. Clifford came out breathing on his own, he is now eating 70% of his feedings from a bottle, he maintains his own body temperature and therefore he sleeps in a big boy bed. We have hopes of going home soon. 

I think the real fun will begin once he is in our home. I spend as much time in the NICU as I can, but it still means that I miss out on A LOT of time with him, and I do feel a little bit distant at times. But I am really hoping that once he is home, and I have to take care of him all day long I will feel better and more like his mom.

Clifford has changed my life. In a perfect way. I never would have pegged myself for the selfless type  but it truly does come so naturally now. He is so sweet and small and I want the absolute best for him. My main worry is that I will not be a good enough mom for him, I want to be everything for him. Im pretty sure thats what motherhood should feel like. 

Introducing Clifford.

well this is a little depressing. its been years since i have updated. blogging is not for the faint of heart.

much has happened in the 2 and a half years I have spent married to hayden and living in idaho. I would be lying if I said I wasnt living a dream here with him. He truly is my saving grace, and love of my life. and our family will be growing to 3 in just a matter of weeks. how the heck did that happen?! it feels like just yesterday the two of us were just wild kids down at EA having a good time.


I think the weirdest feeling about our family growing is swallowing the fact that I, Jackie will be a mother. Lots of girls totally have a calling for that kind of thing...and well for me it just plain freaks me out. But as time is inching closer that we will meet the baby I am starting to really feel like I might actually like this whole gig:) My pregnancy started out pretty normal, the typical morning sickness and up until 27 weeks he was growing on track. and then the doctors discovered that my placenta was really aging quickly, and my umbilical cord was not pumping properly and our little guy was in the 10th percentile. So we got whisked into the high risk category of pregnancy, and it has been a roller coaster ever since. I really feel like this is all an effect of my RA, It only seems logical that my body would also go into attacking my placenta as well as my joints. So we just take it an appointment at a time, until they give us the word that baby is no longer safe in me. This weekend Wendy and Britney came to visit and help get everything in order before he does come. What a blessing! Especially since I do not have a knack for cleaning or decorating.

Her is a little 3D picture of our baby sucking on his thumb. He looks so much like hayden to me already.

the cutest nursery that my sisters helped me create! So pleased with how it turned out.

and here I am in all my 155 pounds of glory. the weight gain and water retention is not a pretty thing, and i am only 33 weeks! I selfishly hope I can give birth soon just to avoid the further spreading! 

Well I believe I have given a pretty good synopsis of all that has been happening in our world. I am fully aware everything is about to change, but as each day passes I feel more and more excited for it all. As long as hayden is by my side I feel like nothing is impossible and every thing is an adventure. I have no doubt his offspring will give me those same feelings everyday too. Lets et this show on the road!!!

November Ramblings

Well its one of those nights Hayden has school till super late, so I have some free time to do whatever. So I made dinner, twice! ( because the first meal I cooked sucked), then I worked out, and now I blog. I am a productive machine! Oh and I accepted a promotion to be a banker yesterday...Im rolling! But in all seriousness, we are very grateful I got that promotion, an early Christmas gift you could say. Its funny cause when I first started with Wells Fargo I was so turned off by our pushy sales tactics, and I even once told Hayden and I quote " I will never be a banker, thats a terrible job!"....well money is a great motivator. No I'm kidding, what changed my mind would probably just have to be the principle of sticking it out. I have never had a job longer than the one I have now... and what once was a weakness can become a strength if you work hard. I still hate selling, and I hate when people do it to me..cause I have issues saying No. But I have made it my specialty to sell with a smile and kindness, people just think Im friendly when I talk about a loan. Its kinda awesome.

On a different note, the "holistic healing" of my arthritis is going much better. And I think I've narrowed it down to my adjustments from my chiropractor. They are really starting to make a difference. I haven't had too much trouble getting up in almost one full week. My goal is to be running by Christmas! When I started to feel better, I got a little worried cause as far as I was concerned nothing major changed in my diet, or in what ever else I did so I feared I was pregnant ( supposedly pregnancy cures RA)...were not. *deep breath*

And now I shall talk about my lesson to the Young Women I gave on sunday. Talk about a headache. Well a blessing headache, is there a such thing? Anyway, I obviously know Im not very creative. I suck at crafts and cute little bows and catchy phrases. So all those possibilities flew out the window when planning. I just really wanted to plan a lesson that would reach the Young Women, that they could hear what I had to say and it wouldnt be too far off in relation to what they were experiencing. The whole title of the Lesson was "overcoming your problems"....and well lets see I have had many problems, and most of which I have overcome. I know that when your in high school boys are a huge fat freaking deal. So I may or may not have told the saga of Hayden ripping my heart out and then giving it back to me. Such a sweet tale. No but really, I know that we as girls WIG out over that kind of thing, we literally think its the end of the world if your not loved back. Well I told them about how its not the end of the world. And I shared with the the Mormon Message "Mountains to Climb". Which really quickly I will share that for one second I tried to get creative with that talk and bought the candy "mounds" and put them in a really ugly pumpkin vase I bought at walmart...and I forgot to hand them out....Moving along, I felt the lesson went well, theres obviously going to always be those young women who avoid eye contact, the ones that text and talk, and the ones who look at you like you are an alien from another planet. but I know deep down that they get me. They've been there. and if there not its coming. and believe me I told them that too. Life only gets harder and that better cling to that testimony of theres. Im so glad i developed a sense of who i was before I married Hayden. Im so happy i had a boat load of trials before having a husband. I like that I have a past...a good, happy, full one. It makes marriage so much more rewarding now.

Well i think thats all I got. I dont have a baby yet, so I dont post pictures. follow me on insta for that. hahahah I have always wanted to do a "follow me" shout out. Check that off the list:)

One Year.

its been close to one year since I have hopped on here to talk about my life. which is so funny to me. why would I stop blogging about my life when I am the most happiest. I should want to remember all of this. as we all know I got married in january, and I have been living in Boise ever since. Hayden works his tail off with his lawn business, I work at the bank, and currently we both serve with the youth. Oh and hayden goes to school full time. God bless him.

I dont really know how or where to start on summing up the beginning stages of our marriage, the ups and downs and all the blessings in between. I guess I will do a top five list. The top five memorable things that have happened thus far.

1. we have made 3 trips back to Arizona since January. all in a car. thats been memorable. One of the trips we were able to take pierce back with us, that was fun. hayden is obsessed with road trips I have learned. He gets an extreme high off them. I enjoy them, just not in the night. and most times we have left in the evening and drive the whole night through. I am fully familiar with nevada and its extreme lasting dreariness. not much in that state.
2. the temple. We have made it a priority to spend time there, and of course we should go more, but we have been extremely blessed for the times we have gone. I love that place, but I especially love it with Hayden. We went to the Mesa temple one time when we were in Arizona. and that place was PACKED, like an event center!!
3. Hayden bought me my first car. MY CAR. it was pretty cool, and I must say I still love the freedom of having something that is MINE. (you learn to share everything in a big family).
4. Currently we have made the big decision to go off all my RA meds, and try a homeopathic route. It has been something very painful to go through...and I am so blessed to not have to do it alone. It is so humbling, and it brings us together. Most mornings he piggy backs me down the stairs, gets me out of bed, gets me a glass of water in the night (because at that point my joints are too tight to walk). He does it all, and he does it with a smile.He is a hero. oh and he tells my doctors off when I am too nice to stick up for myself.
5. I cant really think of any other major things that have took place, but just being here, in a new place for me, and being by his side is huge. Every day with him is an adventure. there is no one like him. I love taking part in all the season changes has to offer. Autumn is AMAZING. i cant believe I have gone my whole life without one...winter on the other hand...:/

anyway, my update is that I am more in love than I was a year ago, and I am that much more blessed because of my marriage.

The curve ball.

How do you start the story that begins with every dream you ever had coming true. How do you begin that tender story?

Humbled. Deeply Humbled.

My last post I left you all with the Quote from Elder Holland. "Some blessings come soon, some come late...but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ THEY COME".

And he came. Hayden came back.

Just when my heart stopped aching over him, just when he stopped being my secret prayer, when I finally started to find my new identity aside from him... He found me. It is so cliche, but the only thing I can think of when I think of mine and his love story is that God is aware of us. He wants his children happy. And we all know Hayden made me happy. I am so blessed to have him back. It was great being the strong bitter girl who got broken up with, the girl who was going to conquer the world with all her spite...but I must say its good to just be in love. Its good to be back, I missed telling my blog audience how much I love him, and how I couldn't wait to start a life with such a perfect man. Reality. That is now my reality. I couldn't be in more love, or more happy with exactly how my life has played out. The hurt I felt all seems like centuries ago. His mission is like some crazy dream, I cant believe I wrote him for as long as I did. And thats one of the beautiful perks, is that were different people. Were older, he is certainly more mature, we have new visions, the two of us were able to experience life changing things while we were apart...but those things have now bonded us. I wouldn't be the Jackie I am today without those 8 months of hurt. And Hayd wouldn't be who he is without being so completely engulfed in the last 6 months of his mission, and he needed this summer to discover what was important to him. Again, not exactly my time table. But God knows whats up.

My decision to pick up and move forward with Hayden was one that taught me to forgive, and Him coming back to me consisted of eating the worlds biggest humble pie. Cause lets be honest, my family was a little less than thrilled when I told them the initial news, and no one was ready to give a "welcome back" hug. But I was. I have always known it was him. Even when everyone told me he wasn't. When no one believed we could wait for each other, I still had faith. Hayden is my own miracle. The miracle I never knew I needed, he has changed my life in too many important ways. And he does it in unsuspecting ways. So typical him. He LOVES surprises. And Im pretty sure I have a life full of those with him. Subtlety isnt exactly his specialty. But that is why I love him. He isn't main stream.  He would break my heart, confirm it, and then come crawling back, and a month and a half later ask me to marry him. were a match though. Because I will, without hesitance, jump on board.

So Im sure you gathered the gist of what has happened. Were in love, and were getting married!!!! I seriously am the luckiest girl in the world to get to spend the rest of my life with someone as crazy as I am, someone who rivals my funnies, someone with abnormal amounts of drive, someone so naturally smart and someone who I know will never stop loving me. He is going to always take care of me, and its my favorite that he isnt scared of my arthritis. cause to me its quite freaky, but he still sees someone strong, someone who will fight, and he believes in me.  He is what we call the package, people. Everyday I spend with him is like coming home, soft and sweet, it was all worth the wait and pain.

So mark your calendars, January 19. Here comes the bride!!!!!!!!!

Summer update: some vacations, some heartache, some new plans, you know the usual.

So, basically this summer was the summer of me and my nieces. We laugh all the time that we dont have any friends, and that we only have eachother. It could be worse. Anyway, we went everywhere from California to the mountains, but most of our road trips were spent going up the road to QT. one more reason were losers.

Im kinda sad I didnt have one single post during summer, thats not to imply it wasnt a good one. Just that I didnt have anything worthy to say. Did alot of swallowing. and now that that over, im ready to get down to business. Im alive. Im happy. Im forgiving. Im kicking butt.

Some days i feel like the first video, and thats okay sometimes you need to bleed a little love but once im done bleeding out all that love, I feel super light headed, and then I remember to turn my swagger on and I feel like this video. And if you didnt watch the full 4 minutes of Pretty Girl Rock, you cheated. go back and finish it.

Today Casey called me on his lunch break, the two of us are pretty good at complaining to eachother. Its just nice to talk to someone and not have a filter. So we get all of our negative feelings out and then hang up. Im not sure if we really even listen to eachother, its just the comfort of having someone to vent to. Well today he started out some big long negative theory on why his life sucked, and then he was like 'i know its not that bad, I have a job and a wife, and its not like Im missing an eye or a leg...' and then he just stopped and we both busted up laughing. And all of a sudden we couldnt complain anymore. Cause thats just it. We both have healthy bodies. We have jobs. We have plenty of people surrounding us who love us. End of story. Life is good.

Its been so easy lately to get upset, or discouraged. My body has aged like 40 years in the past six months. It makes it hard to do the things I love, hell it makes it hard to just walk down the stairs. And aside from that I have been working through a shit ton of heartache. But perspective is everything. Simplicity is where its at. Gratitude and forgiveness can heal any situation.

At the end of the day Im glad I have swollen fingers, at least I have fingers. Im glad my heart hurts so badly, it means something beats inside of me, I know how to love, Im glad im confused about what route to take with school, it means I am determined to get a degree, Im glad I spend too much money, it means I look cute everyday.

there is so much to be said about dissapointment and relying on Gods timetable. It truly is a miraculous and amazing thing. And the coolest part is that He never fails. Elder Holland said 'Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some dont come until heaven, but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ they come'.

So theres my little 2 cents/what I have learned this summer. I am the biggest work in progress. I never would have guessed this part of my life. It is playing out oh so very differently than what I had pictured. But you know what? Its still beautiful.

Summer begins.

So, Im here. Im back. It feels really good. I am so relieved. Its all over. Finished out the semester with good grades, passed all my finals, the 24 hour flu didnt kill me, and Utah is behind me.

Im still processing just what the hell I am going to do with my life next. But like I said I feel relieved, a certain peace has come with being back home. I kid you not, the sunshine helps me think more clearly.

I am still in limbo right now though, it feels like Im on vacation, like being in Arizona is 'play time', except for thats going to end real quick. I moved back into Wendy's, this time I unpacked ALL my bags, hung my clothes up, and Im actually going to treat this place like my new home. I have decided that I am going to do everything opposite as to what I would usually do. And the old Jackie wouldnt unpack. She would live out of suitcases. The old Jackie would also shy away from a full time job, and say absolutely not to part time school. She also would hate the idea of Arizona State University. Well, I'm looking for new results in my life. So that means changing, adjusting, trying new things, things that initially suck. But Im ready for it. Its scary to be back. So scary. I still cant see myself into the future, I used to be a pro at that. But everything starts to look foggy after next week. But im thinking thats a blessing. Cause 'projecting' was an old Jackie trait. I was talking to Wendy tonight, and I told her that I think the reason I feel awkward and unsure is because everything that is happening in my life is brand new. Everyday I am full of new thoughts. New ideas. A new story. And essentially a new me. And im recreating all of these things everyday. And when I left EA, its like I thought I would never have to keep doing that. I had many plans that I built on for months and months and months, that were supposed to come true. And they didnt. And so the storybook I closed when I left EA has been re opened. And its scary as hell. But I feel like I have a much stronger and resilient character to work with. I dont want to sound like a feminist or anything freaky like that. But I sincerly feel like I have walked through fire. I went ahead and did the one thing I never wanted to do, or thought I could do. And because I did that. I dont feel so scared anymore. Its like there is nothing more to take from me so I feel pretty fearless, things can only take off from here. So, although my 'future telling' skills have went away, they have been replaced with some better skills. Some raw coping skills. The kind that dont BS around. Im confident and unafraid. And that is better than the false security of having a plan.

Today I also said goodbye to Missy. She is getting married in a matter of weeks. talk about life changing, that girl may have me trumped. She is moving her whole entire life back east, to start a new one with a guy she never really dated. But she has so much faith. I am so happy for her. She deserves this more than anyone else.

An awesome perk to being home is being around loved ones. I love Dan. Today we floated the Salt River with some friends. So check my first burn of the summer off my list. Im cooked.

good ole Jance. 

Logan.

Today I am happy. Way happy. Logan is so beautiful when its not covered in snow. Its warm, I can wear things that expose my skin. My classes are so close to being done. And home is just days away.

This is the least stressed I have felt all semester. The sun finally broke through the clouds. WOO HOO!

Heres a look at the past few weeks!!! Trust me, it hasnt looked like this the 4 months I have been here! But sheesh, It is a sight to see now!

Utah State Swag.

                                                                 Ya I take bathroom pics, what of it.

Wedding=Party.

Here is a look at Caseys fabulous reception. Straight up fun. All of us LOVE our new sis in law Brit. She is perfect for Casey. We all know he is a bit insane. And she loves him anyway. 

 We attempted some sort of a line dance. We all failed miserably.

 Doing what we do. Creepin in the corner.

 It amazes me that my brothers can still find every nerve of mine. They are ruthless. But I love them. Anyone of them would do anything for me. I have learned that because since I have moved away I probably speak to each of them at least twice a week if not more.

A BABY!!!

                                                                           My beautiful best friend!!

                                                                      The sweetest little boy.

Jenna just had her little boy a couple weeks ago. He is absolutely precious. It is so weird to see Jenna be a mom to him though. Just yesterday we were in high school going nuts. Its crazy to see her transform into a mother almost overnight. Its cool to know that we have such innate abilities to love and care though. Makes it a less scary idea.

Throwback Thursday.

In light of my post previous about growing up. i guess I am glad that I have aged. goll, I pray that I dont look like that anymore. haha, Jess looks so darn innocent. I love it. As much as I loved being 17, Im glad its over.

CONF.

Heres a surprise. I came down to Provo this weekend to head up to conference with my girlllzz. Pretty darn fun. Bryn even got us tickets but we still got turned away, it was sooooo packed. So Whit and I sat outside on the grass in temple square, the weather was phenomenal. Not kidding. Utah has been so incredibly nice this past week or so. So this conference sesh was not like any other I have been to in the past couple of years. I think because I was genuinely anticipating hearing our prophet and apostles voices. I have mentioned it before, but I am doing a whole lot more studying of past conference talks...and when I say studying I mean I walk to class and listen to em on my phone haha. But either way, becoming so familiar with the apostles has brought an earnest desire to hear more, it has strengthened my faith in the things that they preach. I have a new love for the men that lead our church. And so today, I was so grateful to be up in Salt Lake, to listen and feel the love that those men have for us. And just like all things divinely inspired, it came just in time. I couldnt think of a more appropriate time for counsel to come for me. I have got a month till school ends, and a THOUSAND questions on what I should do, and where I should be. It was good to be reminded today that God loves us. And that were not alone. There is so much guidance all around us. Tender mercies are everywhere. I have felt in an extra hour of sleep this week, in finishing a tough math exam, in a phone call from a friend I havent talked to in ages. The Lord is looking out for us, there are blessings scattered all about our everyday lives. And He is doing it on purpose. So with that being said, two best things of this week...#1 it was 70 degrees:) I went and bought summer clothes!! woop woop!! and #2 that I got to end this week with people I love.