Jack

He Is We - Tell Me

2012-01-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Inspired.

2012-01-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

happily after has never been more engraved in my brain than what was today. happily after IS real. And it WILL happen for me. no matter what. today I realized happily ever after is a choice. a complete choice. now thats freedom.

Lately, I have hurt. In ways i never thought i would. But I am slowly finding out its cause God loves me. Its a tough lesson. One I havent been anxious to learn... I have actually been putting it off. Initially I was very pissed, I emphasize on VERY. But I am coming to realize that everything in this life can leave at any moment. nothing is promised. and along with that there is always going to be some one bigger, better, faster, smarter out there. you have to fight. You have to fight for what you want most. if not you will always be the victim. and at that point its no one elses fault but your own if you havent found happily ever after. sabotage. pure sabotage.

I once read this talk, well over a year ago, at a time in my life when my heart was down, and it lifted me right up. Today though I listened to it on my phone as I got ready for school, and the words spoke by President Uchtdorf held such new and deeper meaning than it did before. I realized that because of the trials I have experienced, I have grown, I gained a new perspective. One that helps me further understand the love of our Heavenly Father.

Isn’t it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? In fact, His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of “once upon a time,” complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after.”

Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?

Now, my favorite part.

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

I almost died.

2012-01-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

All is well up here in the north pole. The snow isn't eating me alive like I thought it would. I actually am still obsessed with jumping in the mounds of it as I'm walking to class. I have discovered that campus totally resembles Hogwarts when it snows. Its quite magical. The other day when it was snowing I made the comment to my roommate that it was 'coming down hard'...she just laughed. I think that means that it will get worse...much worse than what I saw. haha, I'm seriously such a newbie to this weird weather, but its all kinds of fun. I love walking everywhere, its not so bad not having a car, the other night it was 7 degrees when I walked home!!! And I was in leggings not pants...my skin is getting tougher!

Anyway, so I have a small story, and when I say small I mean long, so here it goes...Like the majority of college students I'm poor. I eat 3 poptarts a day. that covers all my meals. I have even managed to slow down on drinking soda...notice I didn't say stop. I will always have some quarters for some yummy diet coke. Today was a sad day when I wrote a fat check to the school for some left over fee's I didnt anticipate. You can see where I'm going with this. I am going to have to get a job. So, the mall isn't as hopeful as an option as it was before. NO ONE is hiring. Jamba juice is right across the street from me, but I'm still avoiding turning in my app...it was my LEAST favorite job. But everyone has been telling me about this plasma donating gig. Its really cool, lemme tell you how it works. You give your blood for one hour, twice a week and you get MONEY...50 MONEYS!!! I was sold. So I marched myself down to the plasma clinic 2 days ago. This was game on. I wore my heavy boots so I would weigh just enough to get through the doors...oh and kept my coat on. They pricked my finger, aint no thing, I didn't even flinch. The doctor man felt my heart beat all over my body, asked me some extensive questions regarding sex to make sure I wasn't "dirty" blood, tested my pee, and two hours later they let me into what I like to call now the Blood Room. I was totally calm. And things got even better when my phlebotomist was a total babe. We made small talk, he asked me what arm I wanted to use, I cutely said "You choose:)"...things were going way well. He inserted the needle, I was cool, and I started squeezing the tennis ball they gave me. I just kept telling myself "its one hour Jack, thats cake"...I even caught myself humming hymns...my phlebotomist liked that. I'm like 6 or 7 minutes in, and all of a sudden I feel starving!!! and then I realize im not starving, my stomach just feels funny... and then I felt really cold...So I got phlembotomy man, and just as I got his attention he started to look funny...or should I say fuzzy. And he was talking to me. But I couldn't hear him. Thats right I passed out. It felt like a 20 minute nap, with dreams and all. The only thing that brings me back to consciousness was the taste of vomit in my mouth. I had puked all over myself. I open my eyes and i have like 3 people in lab coats surrounding me. I wanted to die. The guys are all trying to clean me up...I begged them to just let me do it... I mean it was on my freaking pants! Worse part is they keep me hooked up to the needle for another 15 minutes to give me back my blood. Clearly I needed it, haha. I cant even describe to you on what level of disgusting/embarrassed I felt. I asked them what the heck happened cause I mean this is partially their fault! They didn't really offer too many reasons on why my body freaked, they just said I am "deferred" from their list now.

Just a couple hours on the job and they already laid me off. At least they were nice enough to send me off with a severance pay. I think it was a more "get the heck out of here" check.

I love that I always have these way awful experiences. I have come to the conclusion that I am Freak Girl. I will never be the "cute one", the "smart one", the "normal one"...I attract catastrophes. Always. I just pray that this experience was enough to hold me off for a while.

UTAH, again...

2012-01-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

(Just my beautiful campus...)
Its ok though everyone. I'm totally happy to be here this time. I'm an aggie. That's right I go to a 'cow' school as my brother Danny would say. Nonetheless though it is stunning up here in Logan. freezing, but stunning. Utah State has a gorgeous campus, even as its decorated with all kinds of snow. I live with 2 grad students...it should be interesting to see how they handle me, and all my maturity:) Campus is like a 10 minute walk, not bad...Can I just say I am so happy to be back in school. I definitely feel like I have a stronger purpose now. It just makes sense to continue your education. I was very blessed to find the means to get here... and honestly I couldn't picture myself being anywhere else.

My Woe is Me Post.

2011-09-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

so ive been home. for 2 months now? its flown by. Utah was a dream ago. haha. its still funny to me that I came home. But I realize now that I am home, that this was totally something necessary that needed to happen to me. I needed to come home to clear my head. Since I have been back, I have lived at my parents, and now Im at my sisters. Kinda been a whirlwind.

Work is just the same as I left it 2 years ago. I like it. Family life has been draining. But I was asking for that.

And I am not going to school this semester. And I hate that. But, its a needed break, I've have been having doubts on my major, and the school I want to go to quite honestly. So I have 3 months to get a clearer plan.

Its hard to do that though, given my circumstances...

I am the biggest advocate when It comes to telling a young girl to live her life, do what makes you happy before you get married, find out who you are, and dont let a boy come between you and your dreams. If hes for you, he will stand on your side and let you achieve what it is you want. And I have gotten just that. I am incredibly blessed when It comes to having the one you love encourage you. I have been given the opportunity to fall in love (which was a blast, and so much fun) and then have that person sent away, which was another blessing, cause I also thrive when I am alone and get to choose exactly what it is I want to do. I have been given lots of years to grow because of boys missions. haha. thats funny. Timing has been great in that aspect. Anyway so as we all know time is winding down for Elder Richards. were down to single digit months. 8 more to go. that FREAKS me out. Where has time gone?! I am finding myself wishing I had a bit more time. I would love to save money for another semester, got teach english for 6 months, and then finish my bachelors. Well, sadly none of that will happen!! Im crunched for time now!....Ok so back to my initial point. Dont plan your life around a boy. Well guys, I love Hayden. He is coming home here pretty quick, and I cant help but do that. Hate all you want. Your preaching to the choir though. Its been 15 months, I am still in as much love with this kid as I was the day he left. Some thing is to come of us. I have kept myself up so late at night worrying about where I need to be when he gets home to put us in the best spot for us to date, and then along with that where will it best be for us to go to school...and if any of you are missionary experts like me, you would know that when they are this deep in their mission, 'home/school life' is the last thing they care about or can even fathom. and for me, worrying about school is my second job. So, I am left with all the deciding. And we all know that I don't make the best decsions. I actually make large amounts of poor decisions. I wish there was a such thing as fool proof plans. A plan that will give me insurance. One where 4 months after I've decided I wont be like 'Jackie your a moron'...Thats where I need to learn to live with a decision of mine that sucks. I am so nervous about BYUI, but its also the one I feel most 'right' about. I think It will be the most beneficial. I keep telling Danni Im gonna hate the people up there, but she raised a good point the other day. she said 'Jack you hate everyone no matter where your at' hahahaa, man that is so sad but true. Thats a huge hint to me that I need to go up there. Im bound to learn something.

Just sweet nothings.

2011-07-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

If he makes you a hand made card for your birthday, its love.

psychhh!!!!!!

2011-07-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

haha...I dont even know how to begin this post. The post that sums up what exactly has happend these past 2 months. Its been a learning experience for sure. I basically learned that I'm still pretty immature, and most my instincts are horrible. But, with all that being said Utah is an interesting place. One, Its gorgeous, absolutley stunning. Two, its odd. And I will just leave it at that. No need to drag this out. Im coming home. Home being Arizona. Not Eastern Arizona, haha. But just back to where everyone I love lives.

Honestly, I am so tired of analyzing why I moved to Provo, why I wanted to leave Provo, and my motive to coming home. So, I have decided that if anyone asks, I'm just saying 'I dont know'. I am exhausted. None of it makes sense to me either. Lets chalk it up to me being one big giant baby. I'm honestly good with that, its alot easier to say that, then try and explain my every thought and emotion.

So, here goes nothing though, with me moving home. Im changing my attitude toward home. I am going to enjoy the heat while I can. I am going to work extra hard at being kind to my family. I am going to let my sisters paint my toe nails, watch The Notebook at 3 in the morning, and I will even let them read my love letters from Hayden...EEEKKK!!! Were going to get sooooo close with eachother. (thats funny people. Cause I know for a fact none of my sisters will take me up on that offer. Their idea of 'quality time' is making me sit in a hot SUV with their screaming children, as they scavenge a thrift store). haha, ok that was a bit of a dramatic illustration of our relationship. I know I will be able to count on Chea for a good soda on any given afternoon, Wendy will be the most willing to run with me, Heidi...well Heidi will just be Heidi, her and I can battle it out for who can be the most annoying. Chann, lives far away. Which means I can use her as my getaway. And I musnt forget my sister in laws, they got my back too. So, as you can see I have many people back home who love me. And I havent even mentioned my sweet loving parents, and my brothers. Its gonna be one big giant party. haha, like my enthusiasm?! I just turned something that was my worst nightmare 4 months ago, into a 'giant party'...oh I am going to get good at this positivity thing.

Anyway, so this is my summer sum up. But Im not quite finished yet. No post would be complete with out bringing up Hayden. He is doing so good, and getting skinnier in every picture he sends. I now am on the countdown. No longer do I say 'he's been out 12 months', I say 'he's coming home in 11 months'...that is the greatest feeling ever. Guys, this isnt some fake, made up thing. He is the greatest thing that has happened to me. And somehow were still in love. What a blessing.

Ok well there you have it. I keep making mistakes. C'est La Vie.

this could be my last spring in Arizona...

2011-04-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hi peeps, haha, can I say peeps when I know only a few read this? Anyway, those of you out there who care to gander at this...things are good!!! Really good!!! This semester has zoomed by for me! I will walk away from Eastern Arizona as the girl who took forever to get her certificate of transfer, but its done! I am moving to Utah in about 3 weeks, I have a job lined up. Im not moving there with my original intent of going to BYU...but I AM going! Its kinda weird, and now that its coming so close Im wondering if I really want to go...I know it will be a good stepping stone. Just scary. Who knows I may come back after 3 days (Pennsylvania anyone?) Utah will slowly ease me into the cold weather. Rexburg is going to eat me alive in January. Im so very excited to go there though. People either say 'YOUR GONNA HATE BYUI'....or 'you'll LOVE it!!'...I just wanna see what its all about! I have a plan when I go up there, so I feel good about it. I thought for the longest time I wanted to teach high school, but through my education class at EA I have found I LOVE the little kids. too cute. Your gonna die when you read this, but I think kindergarten to 3rd grade would be my preference. talk about a change of heart. Ok back to Utah. I have great news. its gonna be me, dan, and missy again!! we cant seem to part as bff's. Its gonna be great, were gonna conquer the world, one college at a time. (thats funny cause neither of us will be going to school while up there).

Now, I have saved the best for last...Hayden is doing so good. He finally has a companion that isnt completely ridiculous. His companion appreciates him for the adorable/hilarious/genuine/caring kid that he is. I still miss him like crazy. But next month is a year!! I cannot believe it. I used to dream of these days last summer! He has remained the same and so have I...well kind of. we have both changed but we have understood eachother the same. I can still tell him everything. I am so lucky, If I can stay this lucky for just one more year...that would be a dream come true.

Alrighty, thats my little update. Maybe one day I will upload pictures of my perfect fun life. I dont wanna get too crazy though.

Elder Richards!!

2011-02-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Tell me he's not handsome!! The one on the right obviously!

Guys, I have a major issue....

2011-02-03T15:43:00.001-08:00

I GOT LAID OFF!!!!!!

I feel great!!! Yes, initially its a problem, but I was not good at this job...I dreaded it...I was hoping to get rid of it (but afraid I would seem like a wimp) and it got rid of me! So now at this point, its finish out february and I'm done! and cheer is done too, so I guess now this means no excuse for bad grades. Things are still sweet down here, today it was 8 degree's...thats sick and wrong. Our house water pipes were frozen...I have never even heard of that happening. Oh and Hayden hits nine months this month...AND I'M STILL IN LOVE!!!!!! oh and so is he:) He is doing more than good, you would think his letters get shorter the longer he is out but they definetley get longer. He is such a blessing in my life. Anyway, so thats my mini update for 2011...BYU-I app is in, WAHOO!

Finals are over...and I'm still alive.

2010-12-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

What a week. I dont think I have ever broken out like this on my face since I was 13. Stress, Stress and more stress. But I managed to get through. A's an B's. Im pretty proud. Now my new little challenge is my new job. I work at Verizon. Which is kinda a joke because I was the girl who walked into this store a year ago and told the sales agent trying to sell me a phone that I didnt know what the hell a mail in rebate was and to quit talking to me like I knew what one was. I'm a trip. So you can imagine how well I am doing adjusting to this job. Lots and LOTS of information. But I have this innate ability to fool people into thinking I am listening and picking up everything their laying down. So if anything I at least look good in the business attire and high heels. All in all, I really am grateful for this job. It came at a crucial time, and kinda sealed the deal that I needed to stay here in thatcher for another semester. Anyway the good news is it all came to an end. I survived another semester of school, and I did it without Hayden. And the next big hurdle is getting through spring without my Danni and Missy...that and being able to explain a mail in rebate to a customer.

These are my cute adorable roomates who I have come to love with all my heart!!!

A typical day after classes...Danni is so weird.

the post office is where 90% of my joy came from this semester

This is what I do...can you believe that they pay me to do this hahahahahhahaha!!

I'm so grateful for 6 months.

2010-12-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

There is not too much to be said about what has happened since I have last blogged…hence no recent post. But I have decided that its time to celebrate yet another milestone, on thanksgiving Hayden had been out six months! I couldn’t have been more proud. Now at this point he is just serving a sister mission. 18 more months to go. Its crazy how fast this semester has gone by I can hardly believe I am taking finals next week. Plus 2 more weeks till I can talk to him. These past six months are so different than what my first semester was when I first attended EA. I mean Im in the same town, Im on the same cheer squad, I have most the same roommates, heck im even retaking some 101 classes. But the person I am is completely different. And for that I am extremely grateful. I used to be terrified of change, and scared that I was either doing too much of it or the wrong kind of it, but I am learning that change is growth. I try not to make all my posts about hayden, but he is such an example to me, and not to mention a huge blessing in my life. This whole experience of him being gone, started off so very bitter for me. I was very upset that I had to let go of something so meaningful to me. The last 6 months have come to show me that there were other blessings in store for me, blessings and experiences that wouldn’t have arrived without his absence. I was so terrified that him being gone meant he wouldn’t know me anymore or I wouldn’t be able to include him in my life. I was so wrong. I would say he is the person that is closest to me in my life. I am still able to tell him all my worries, my jokes, my plans, and stories. And the same for him. Every week I hear another story on a family they are teaching or how his testimony has grown is some new way. And It makes more and more sense every week why I met him, and why he is serving, and the role he still plays in my life . I still haven’t figured out what big mission I am supposed to accomplish while he is gone, but I think that’s the great beauty of it. I don’t feel like I have to accomplish something huge in order for him to come home and love me. Im pretty sure I am supposed to get close to being done with my bachelors…and maybe that’s it. Maybe school is supposed to be highest priority. Whatever it is, I’m ok with it. Yes I still cry every now and again, but I have finally accomplished a significant amount of time. 6 months, this is HUGE people! And even just looking back to last Christmas, I can hardly believe I was just moving back down here. It feels like last week. I know time really doesn’t move foreward any faster than it has the rest of your life, but I am sure grateful for the feeling of it moving faster. Im gonna go ahead and call it a Christmas Miracle…well at least its my own personal Christmas Miracle. Anyway, that is my little mini thought on these past few months, and an update on Hayden. Don’t miss me too much, im sure I will have many more interesting things to say after Christmas!

Hey everybody its October!!!

2010-10-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I am pretty stoked that this month is October, because A. that means its fall, and B. this month Hayden hits 5 months gone. I havent really updated since I got down here, just cause I dont have the internet at my house, and to be really honest Im pretty occupied with school. I will sum things up though since august. Cheer has been treating me good, the games every weekend keep me busy. Some days I feel like a wash up though haha, its definitely time for me to retire some time soon. School, is pretty stressful and stress free at the same time. I really only have one math class that requires my full undivided attention every night in the library. I make sure that I stay on top of that at all times, because I dont have my tutor anymore to keep me going. As far as thatcher goes, I still love it. Its become a home to me. But the more the semester goes on the more me and Dan and Missy just laugh that were here. We feel like a bunch of creeps. Its just not the same place it was last semester, but I totally called that one. So its all good, we keep to ourselves and manage to still have fun down here. The future plans sound a little like this...get done what I can down here while Im still on scholarship, and then possibly trying out some Utah.

Anyway, as far as my sweet missionary goes he is doing great. no surprise there. I hear from him twice a week, in an email and in a letter. and I love that, I feel so blessed to still have him so close to me. I definitely have progressed these past couple of months, that dull aching pain in my heart has slowly subsided. Im not as emotionally torn up, I just take it a day at a time, and somehow I get through the days, I seriously cant believe I have finally arrived in October, I thought these days would never come!!There is still a hole in my heart, some days in the week it hits me hard, and I just wish I could talk to him, but I am doing my best. Im pretty sure that I wouldnt trade or re-arrange any of the experiences Im having now...ask me that in the summer and I wouldve punched you. But now It all feels pretty 'meant to be'. It helps to hear how much Hayden is growing, I can see the Lord working through him and changing him for the better, truly grateful for that, and because of that I could never wish that things would've worked out differently than they are now.

I do believe that sums up this semester so far. Not too bad eh? Time is ticking, and that makes me happy, and not only is this month the five month mark, but today is only 599 more days! Woop Woop!!!:)

Summer is FINALLY over!!

2010-08-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am now back in thatcher! PERMANENTLY! Well for the semester that is, I have had cheer practice this whole past week for 4 hours a day, and let me tell you my body hurts in places that I didnt think you could hurt. Cheer is definetly going to kick my butt, and I say bring it on! The only downfall to being back to Thatcher is that no one is home yet, no one will show up for another 2 weeks, but its just cool to feel like I have got past my first milestone since Hayd left...my first summer with out him. Only one more summer, and then he will be home hahaha!!! So its been almost since 3 months that he has been out, and It looking back at it from May it has been emotional and extremely tiring, I could never do it again, I am glad that the initial pain and shock is slowly wearing down, cause man those were some rough 75 days, especially June...kill me! But what am getting at is that the way I am feeling and realizing now is that I on my way up. I can almost already smell Christmas, and from then out I feel like its cake. I remember in high school when I ran track and cross country, we would go out on long 4 and 5 mile runs, and freak did I dread them! But even worse than those were the track meets, running the mile was my enemy. But everytime I ran it, I would talk myself through the race. The gunshot that signified the start of the race always made me want to throw up, my body would always shake, kind of the same symptoms I had saying goodbye to Hayden. But as you run the mile its important to have somewhat of a strategy, you need to know how to fight for your spot, and keep up with the pack. Done and Done. I am in the pack, I'm at the point where I feel like I have a steady pace, and this is the part of the race where I tell myself ' Just breathe and Keep your pace'. I feel like I ya, the race has just began, but nonetheless Im in it. Time is ticking, and just like all things in life this wont last forever, it will end. Hayd told me that it will never again be two years, at this point its a year and 9 months, now doesn't that sound so much better:) My heart is full of intense gratitude, I am so lucky that summer didn't last forever, and that Heavenly Father doesn't leave us to struggle on our own. I am so blessed to have a scholarship at EA, or just EA in general, a place to go and have life experiences, its so nice to know that life goes on. As much as I hate that I am without him for 21 months, its nice to know that this is all happening for a reason. So yay for summer freakin ending, yay for growth, yay for EA (that rhymes), and yay for only 657 more days!!!!

My dear friend Danni.

2010-07-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

Danni Power has been my roommate for all the 4 semesters of college that I have attended. I met her through my first and still best friend Missy. They both were at EA while I was still a senior in high school. In the fall of 08 we moved into a real nice trailer mansion, we didn't have that instantly 'clicked' friendship, I was nice to Danni she was nice to me. Once november rolled around, me Danni Missy Julie and Kalie, all found ourlselves another apartment to move into because the trailer mansion was in fact a trailer dump. It was at Apartment B that Danni and I did our real building of our friendship. The two of us shared a room, and it was in that room that we would share as many clothes and perfumes as possible, stand on top of our beds and sing to Carrie Underwood, creep on people, we would climb in and out of our 3 foot window, I spent countless hours watching Danni get ready in the morning, I occasionally would make her toast, it was in apartment B that Danni became my close friend. I went through a real rough period spring semester, and Danni was there for me. If I wanted to just be left alone, she left me alone, and when it was time for me to talk she knew how to approach me. I could tell her everything I was feeling and there was never any judgment, only someone who was hoping to console me. I can honestly say that without her understanding personality I wouldnt have got through that time without her. Yes, its true most of our fun times were spent in the apartment, but Danni was the one who taught me how to go and "chill" at institute and watch the boys play basketball. She taught me how to eat Dairy Queen at 10 o clock at night and not feel bad about it, She taught me that its ok to withdraw from classes,by her being the most carefree and layed back chick I know, it somehow rubbed off on me. I learned not to be so picky, overly analytical, and dependent on what people thought of me. She was an awesome example of do what you want! We always joke that Danni is really a hippie at heart, I have so many more memories of this girl! Too many to name, I can always count on her, last fall I would call Danni at least twice a week to beg her to come back to EA with me, I promised her it would be fun and well worth it! And I didnt lie, she finally gave in and decided to go back with me, and in our Spring semester we grew even closer than before! Partly because our room was 4 by 4, but thats beside the point. We had a blast, it was during this semester that she went from being Danni my lovable reliable friend, to Dan my best friend who can one day be my kids god mother. this next Fall, is coming pretty fast, its something Im pretty nervous for, but everyday I remind myself I will have Danni to go back with me, and I cant help but feel like she is such a blessing, I have a best friend who was also a best friend to my boyfriend! It doesnt get better than that, because that means she understands what I am going through when I miss him, she will let me reminisce, she will let me cry, and she will help my heart heal. I really have been blessed to have her, Dan lets me know when I am being a brat, she would let me tell her every morning that I was prettier than her, she lets me act like the child I am, and I can almost always count on a cheap laugh out of her, and If I want to make a sonic run for the fourth time in the day she is always down! A best friend doesnt get better than her, Happy 21st Birthday week Dan! Sorry I cant spend it with you:( I love you!!!

LeTtEr DaY!!!!

2010-07-14T23:45:00.000-07:00

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are." — Marjorie Pay Hinckley

What a beautiful quote, and I stole it off of someones status on facebook. But its stinkin true!! Today was such a great day for me, not only did Hayd email but I had two letters waiting for me at Cheas! Im not gonna lie I was a bit bummed out by his email, it was pretty short but his 2 long letters completely lifted my spirits and made up for it!! But it just kinda showed me that there are going to be weeks that his emails will be short, and I am going to have to remain strong and keep my faith in remembering that he does love me no matter what. I stumbled upon some chicks blog today and she wrote about how her missionary couldnt write her for 5 months! I think I would punch myself in the face if that was me! I honestly dont know if I could do that! After today I just cant stop marveling at how lucky I was to date Hayden, and everything he still tells me and how much he still believes in me, I cant help but feel so blessed to have him. Has anyone see P.S I love you, well in some sick twisted way I feel like Hilary Swank. His letters are so heart warming and uplifting and they always seem to come on the days that I need them most. Like on my birthday he had his brother text me happy birthday and just check in to see how I was holding up on behalf of Hayd. He cares so much! I have never met someone with such a big heart as him! A little dramatic, but me and Dan joke all the time that we feel like Hayd is either dead or at war, it doesnt feel like he is on the mish. So when I hear from him, I take a deep breath and feel so grateful that he is happy and well. I am going to have to post one of the letters he 'drew' for me. It was 3 letters taped together and it was a complete map of our 'ranch/home' in Idaho, it was so freakin hilarious and precious all at once! He had it detailed all way down to an air strip on our property so I could fly home to AZ and visit family anytime I wanted, there was also a small cottage built for family to stay at when they visited, and of course it wouldn't be complete with out a private lake. Seriously, it was to die for! So funny! Well his letters have definitely been the highlight of this week, and I feel so blessed. Its incredible how much of a different person I feel this time around, I feel so much more sure of where I am supposed to be headed with my life, and am more sure of who I am, and as much as it hurts to have him gone, its nice not to feel completely lost on who I am, I already did all that discovering within these past 2 years.These two years will be for me to grow more into the woman I am supposed to be and discover the kind of mom I want to be. The timing of everything that has come to pass is impeccable, everything has worked out exactly the way it was supposed to, and will continue to do so, and because I have that knowledge and confidence I can read that quote up top and completely understand and embrace it. the next year and 10 months wont be a rat race and as frantic as they will be a 'refinement' and sheer opportunity for me to grow more comfortable into the girl I already am.

To a girl who knows how to party!

2010-07-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

Meet my niece Jessica. She is 2 years younger than me, and comes pretty darn close to the girl who doesn't have a worry in the world. This is a girl who texts me the most outrageous things that make me die laughing. When I asked her today if I had any mail at the house, she texted me back a letter came saying I won one million dollars. And on my birthday she asked me if I was going to be in town so she would know whether or not my surprise party was still on. She is too goofy. And I absolutely love the fact that she is jobless, gives her all 24 hours in the day to be on facebook to write creepy comments and talk to me!!! She is great, if you want a laugh hit her up, and if you have any job openings she is your girl!

For my Birthday:

2010-07-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

One plane ticket to Guatemala please.

Good things to Come.

2010-07-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

Today was church, and I went. I think when I go to church alone thats when I feel the spirit the strongest, I can reflect the best that way. Just sitting there singing the sacrament hymn I have to fight back tears. And I think its probably the only time in the week that my heart and mind is quiet enough for Heavenly Father to be able to send the spirit to comfort me. Especially today, I went to church because not only has it been a while, but I knew that I needed some peace and by taking the sacrament I knew I could find that. And I did. And on top of church I watched a 'Mormon message' at LDS.org, Good-Things-to-Come

Watch it, The last part of the video Elder Holland urges us with encouraging words, saying "dont you quit, keep walking, keep trying", and I feel like that was just what I needed, its just what we all need to hear every now and again. I have been feeling pretty weak lately, I was telling Hayden that I don't feel like I have a whole lot left, I feel like it all got beat out of me when he left, and everyday there is still a good solid punch to my stomach in the morning when I remember that he isn't here. And its not like this is the first hard thing in my life that I have had to overcome, but it is a different kind of hard than what I am acquainted with. Nothing has ever been as heart wrenching and emotionally tiring as this. But I am so lucky I am emailing the king of positive and 'nothing is impossible'. Between what he sends me every week, and my prayers, I am coming to find that Im gonna make it. That even though its feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is thousands of miles on down, I know its there. I have known for a long time that this was going to be hard, I made the decision to do this, and everything that is to come in the next couple of months will not be a coincidence, I know that I am going to encounter more hard times as school starts, I will find new problems, but I am starting to realize all the blessings and resources that I have as I keep on going. I have amazing roommates to help me every day, I will have Cheer to keep me striving for something, I have an enormous Mormon population to keep me active:) haha, school that will make me struggle ( a blessing in disguise, because struggling= distraction), and my letters from Hayden. So I guess its really not all that bad, someone very handsome and sweet once told me that nothing good in your life has come with out pain. And if that's not enough to lift you up I don't know what is. And I know that to be true because I literally cant think of a thing in my life that is good that I didnt have to fight for, or go through a type of pain before I received it.

MY DANCE CAMP!!!

2010-06-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

Tell anyone and everyone, who lives in the Gila Valley about this!!!! It is so much fun, and any little girl will love it!! Click on the picture to read the details!:)

T-Town

2010-06-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

This is right after cheer tryouts, me and Dan went down to the temple to relax.

This is my girl!!!!

Writing down all our memories of last semester, she tried to go from january on down to may, but my memory is actually pretty terrible, I just remember that I fell in love:).

R.I.P Spring Semester '10

2010-06-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend were cheer tryouts, and Yes I made the team. YAY! Im a gila monster again, lets just hope I try and stop being one before Im 25. Im actually really excited to be on this team just because its so big and there is actually a fair amount of talent on the team. So my cheer life can now begin, I have to start earning money to go to cheer camp, and 2 weeks before school starts we have practices. As my coach was telling me all of these details I got kind of excited, because I thought "this just might be able to consume me". And as you can tell from my previous posts I need to fill some voids.

Anyway, so as I went down to Thatch for the first time since school ended I felt super apprehensive, it was so weird walking around my house and it being completely empty, and even weirder knowing that there was nobody in the town. My room was still the same, actually cleaner (thank you Danni), the bathroom still smelt the same, the fridge still had my same jug of water that I chug out of, but it really did almost feel eerie. But after having some good talks with Danni about the future and what we wanna do, we decided that its best not to try and recreate what last semester was. Nothing will ever come close to being as fun, we wont meet any people to replace the ones we met, but I decided that I am going to just accept the fall semester as it comes, and do my best not to reminese too much. What I want more than anything is to just be able to still be me, to still be able to laugh and be loud and have fun with all the people that I meet without any hesitation and stay single through it all, is that asking too much? But having already written a missionary before I am coming to find out it was a gift and a curse. I look at everything I have gone through and become because of it and there is no way that I will not be an unchanged person when Hayd comes home, and Im doing my best to just accept that, No matter how fun last semester was, or how many great memories I have, or how much I feel in my heart that I love Hayden, thats not enough to keep me the same person with the same feelings when he comes home. It just isn't, thats not enough for anyone. And I will even venture to say that its impossible. But I look at what I did with my first missionary and it wasn't until the year and a half mark that I finally allowed myself to start having fun and really embracing the things I liked I and wanted to do, and thats when I was happiest. Its like I didnt have a worry this past semester, I wasnt the least bit worried about making friends or trying to be known for something, but thats when I made the most friends. I dont want to skip a beat with Haydens absence I want to be able to jump right in to being happy and progressing, because I know thats what he would want for me. My sister said it best to me the other day, the first missionary took two years from me, and Hayden is giving me two years.

And so this brings me to point B, what am I going to do with myself? That has become a very daunting question, and to be honest with you I think it is for any 21 year old girl, reguardless of where you are or what your circumstances are. I look at my good friend Danni, and she is just as lost as me when it comes to deciding what comes from life after EA. She doesn't know if she should come back to EA for the 'one more' semester or get brave and leave AZ all together, but I told her what ever she does make sure that she knows she is moving forward. Thats how I know that I don't want to come back to the mesa area when I am all done in Thatcher. But its still pretty scary business getting the guts to make a move. Whether it be deciding to go on a mission or applying to a univeristy, both make me sweat.

Anyway so about putting spring semester to rest, Im going to put all my memories into a folder, a very special folder that is, one with sparkles and hearts drawn on it, and keep living my life with a positive mindset and spazy demeanor that I have had, and on the days that are hard and that I miss Hayden I will pull out that sparkly folder and let myself remember one special memory, possibly cry a little, maybe write hayden a letter telling him about my day, pray for him and then carefully put the memory back, and think of all the opportunities that are still awaiting me and just how happy the future can be... And if this doesnt help me get through my days then I am flying my butt down to Guatemala. No questions asked.

WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! I'm exhausting.

2010-06-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

Editors Note: Im not a very personal person, so read with caution, Im an open book. Some of my views, opinions, analogys, may offend you. Continue on if you can accept me for me:)

Well Its been almost 2 weeks, and 3 since I last saw him. My heart still aches first thing in the morning, and falls asleep to memories every night. GOLLY! This is so hard! I feel like this time around things are so different, I dont feel like a young, vulnerable 18 year old barely entering college. I feel like a spitfire 21 year old who knows what she wants, and is a little pissed it just go taken from her, but also underneath it all I can feel the massive learning experience that is erupting. This is by far one of the most faith-trying experience I have ever had. Everyday the feelings and emotions are so tangible, and I can actually feel myself make the conciseness decsion of whether or not I am going to let my feelings of despair ruin my day, or whether I am going to tell my Heavenly Father that I trust Him and have faith that things will get better. Its so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, fills me with alot of doubt when I let my mind sit on it too long, but I have felt the love that comes from faith, and the peace that comes from prayer. And I am also realizing that as I am still mourning and still trying to let these fresh wounds heal, that I am still going to cry and thats ok. I was telling Missy the other day, Im scared to death of going back to my room in Thatcher, where Danni wont be on her bed, and Hayden wont be barging in anytime soon. Its a real lonley feeling, and I am finding out that the more I just cry it out and aknoweldge how I am feeling, the days get progressively better, and it does help that Haydens letters are so him, he still cracks me up (and Im not saying that just because he was my boyfriend, he really is freakin hilarious) and he is so positive and real about everything, its not like he is sending me a slew of scriptures to read, his letters sound like how he would speak to me, dry, sweet, full of advise tinged with sarcasm, not like a sermon.

I remember that someone once told me that when your going through a trying time, the answer to your prayer isnt just going to come to you one day, and its almost never going to come in the form that you want it. But the answers and peace that you need is going to come through other people, they told me that you have to listen closely to what others say to you because what they have to say could be just what you needed to hear that day. And that happened Saturday when I saw my roomate Aimee at a shower, she too has a missionary who has been out for 10 months and she knows all too well the pain I am experiencing. Just her hug was enough to make me feel at peace and comforted. All the relating she did with me made me a bit weepy but helped me feel normal, and I felt a little bit better just conversing with her. And I find that to be a true blessing , thats how He reaches us in the times we need Him most. And again it happend last night as I was talking to my best friend Jenna on the phone, we are in quite opposite positions (she is married) but what she had to say helped shed some logic on my situation. I have been worrying alot about the future and marriage and how it will all work out according to what I want, and she said that I dont need to worry that in the end its all up to me. So that if something happens that I dont like, or if I date someone that I dont like its my job to stop it, Im never going to have to feel 'fated' into something, that everything we do is up to us, including who we marry. It wasnt chosen previously who we are supposed to marry. And thats probably common sense to alot you, but to me I needed to hear that in a different way for it to really hit home, and again that was a blessing.

So, yes this summer is going to be a bit hard, my heart is going to be in pain, but no this is not going to be a forever lasting thing, and yes I can keep progressing if I allow myself to. Can I get an Amen??

Idaho!!!

2010-05-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

Like it or not summer is here.

2010-05-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Its here...the day that I dreaded so badly has come, and knocked me down. Let me tell you just because I have gone through this before does not make this pain any less. If anything the pain that I remembered having as an eighteen year old, left all alone as her missionary left has only grown. That empty pit in my stomach is bigger, I feel like someone has found more of my guts to rip out of me, I have a hundred times the amount of tears to cry, but worst of all I get to go through this in the exact place I did 2 years ago, right here in Queen Creek...its like some type of sick deja vu. Kill me.

I said goodbye to my perfect Hayden Tuesday at the Boise Airport at 3pm, and I have never felt more scared in my life. He walked me in holding my hand and bags, helped me get my boarding pass, waited for me to go to the bathroom, and right before I went through security we kissed goodbye for what could be the last time. it was short and sweet, I didnt want to cry too many tears in front of him becuase thats all I had been doing for the past 48 hours. But as soon as he left, i tried my best not to look back and watch him walk away, and I wiped away as many tears as I could as I gave my drivers liscence to the security check lady.

I think I want to back up now, and talk about the perfect 6 days I got to spend in Boise. Definetely a once in a lifetime experience. I mean the drive up there alone was enough to be a milestone (17 grueling hours in his explorer). We left at 4 am wednesday morning, and we drove all day through Nevada till we finally reached Boise at 8 or 9 at night. And the trip up there consisted of very few bathroom breaks, which is remarkable for me, a passing through Las Vegas, lunch in no-where ville, small rainstorms, Hayden trying his best to bug me, one long fight put on by me, Hayden singing loudly and not nailing a single word in any song for about an hour, and voila! We finally hit Idaho...lots of farm land at first, and he drove me the scenic way, showed me the Snake River, which was huge enough to be a lake in my Arizonian book. We drove about 20 minutes through Boise and every house I saw in this town looked like it was pulled right out of a story book, everything in this town was either on a hill or surrounded by giagantic trees. It was breathtaking. And then we began to drive out of the city and into some bigger hills and I saw a sign that said 4 miles to Hidden Springs, thats his neighborhood. Hayden pulled into a dirt drive way with a huge white picket fence that covered acres and acres of green grass, this house had a HUGE pond in front, and the house looked like the freakin White House...needless to say I refused to get out of the car. He said casually were home, shut off the car, and opened his door...and for a split second I thought this really could be it, but he had a stupid smirk on his face that gave him away. Praise the heavens, my boyfriend is not filthy rich, just rich:) Anyway he pulled into a real neighborhood up the road And I thought Boise looked like a fairytale, but this place was insane. Hidden Springs is a neighborhood with a Mercantile, a fire station, a couple small family businesses and a school. So freakin cute.

We pulled up to his house, and as I watched him walked into his house, it all came together. A part of him I hadnt seen, a part of him that was missing finally came together, He was home. I got to see him in his element, I loved watching him interact with his family, the way he hugged his dad, and the way he teased his little brothers, it was perfect and beautiful. I am so glad I went up there, I cant imagine not going. The first night we stayed in his house, it just felt safe. I wasnt nervous and scared like I had imagined I wouldve been. Everyone in his family was so nice to me, and as the days went on I felt closer and closer to everyone. They were so down to earth, and not to mention all so funny. The six days I spent up there flew by, he took me around and introduced me to tons of different people, showed me his high school, his elementary school, his old house, I met his grandparents, he drove me up to a town called McCall, took me to down town Boise, he showed me so much!

Now I have to be completely honest my last two days there I got a little bit weepy, I could just look at him and it was enough to make me cry. I knew exactly what was coming...the end was. At night I would just hold him as tight as I could, I would squeeze his cheeks and say 'you're still real! We are still real', and I am so glad I did, because now that I am back in Arizona, my life is going to take a different direction, one that doesnt involve him, and he is no longer 'real'. Just like that its done. Right before I left his house, it was pouring rain, very fitting for the occasion, his dad called haydens cell phone and asked to talk to me, His dad told me that it was good to meet me, he told me I could come back and stay anytime:) and that right there was enough to make me choke up, but I think the best was when he was driving me to the airport, and I was trying so hard to be strong not to let all my tears take up our last precious moments. And thats when he started singing Veggie Tales at the top of his lungs, and incredibly off key...I began to bawl. Thats my Hayden, so sweet and childlike, would do anything to make anyone smile, and I knew I wouldnt get to hear him sing like that for a long time.

Im not all emotional because I wont get to see him for 2 years, whats irking me the most is who we are going to be in 2 years. Thats where I am most pissed off at. Chea already informed me there is 3% success rate of girls who actually marry their missionary they sent off, not very promising. And I know very well from firsthand experience that 2 years shapes you into someone else, and Hayd tells me all the time that he has zero expectations for me and him...Cool, (I mean that very dryly...THIS IS SO GAY!). But as I am learning everyday, nothing is going to change, regaurdless Hayden is going on a mission wednesday, I am going to be in Queen Creek for 2 and a half months, and no matter how hard I cry It wont bring me back him, and I wont be able to reverse me falling in love with him...all that has happend is done and over with, and I cant change what is. Me being angry at all the 'what if's' will only drown me, and I feel it everyday, I have to fight the urge to not think about losing Hayd forever. I cant even think about the future without my stomach turning, and so Im not going to. Im just going to look as far as tomorrow goes, and do my best to be happy because thats what he would want me to do.

Hayden told me on our trip up to Idaho, that its my job to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for comfort. And I said I dont want to get over you, so I dont want to pray yet. But he said that I dont have to pray to get over him, I just have to pray to get through everything. And that was just what I needed to hear. He told me that getting through this could mean a number of different things, and that I just need to have faith. And so everyday that I wake up now, the first thing I think is that Heavenly Father wont put me through anything I wont be able to handle, and He obliviously thought I could handle sending off a second missionary and that it serves a purpose other than heartache. Just keep moving forward, and not getting sucked into sad feelings is my major goal this summer, if that means running my butt off again, or throwing myself into 3 jobs, so be it! I have done hard things before, its just reminding myself how to fight again is all this is.

That someone better has finally come along...Part Two

2010-05-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

Editors Note: this post was a 'two day' post started at 1 am yesterday and continued today, so the ideas and feelings are kind of all over the place....just bear with me as I use this blog as a coping technique:)

What do you do when the person who just barely entered your life, has moved in with a bang, changed your heart, gave you a brand new perspective, and just in the blink of an eye they are gone.

Tell me this...How do I train my heart to not remember him?How do I change my thoughts in the morning from being 'I wonder when I will see him today' to I am not going to see him at all for a very long time...

I see Hayden every single day and at least half of my day is given to him. We both go to class first thing in the morning, and I can usually expect a text from him at 10 saying 'you in math', I think he just making sure I am there, learning what I need to learn. Afterwards a few of us always go to lunch, and then I am back off to class, sometimes he is too, and I can always count on seeing his explorer at my house as I turn the corner on to my street. Some days I get so excited, i run home. And the rest of the day is ours, we have spent hundreds if not thousands of hours together. Playing down at the river, riding quads, sleepovers, long walks early in the morning, in the library doing homework, on my couch doing homework, at his house doing homework, at sonic getting my third soda of the day, fighting on my living room floor, eating R and R Pizza, countless bonfires, swimming at the EA pool, and going to church. If Thatcher Arizona doesnt scream Hayden Richards to me I dont know what does. I will say I am a bit apprehensive to what I will feel when he is gone and I am still here in memory lane.

This brings me to my next point, a point that is so crucial, and why he is so different and perfect for me. Hayden doesnt expect me to wait. At first I think this bothered me, actually I know it bothered me. I like to think that I am the type of person who needs someone to be in crazy love with me, and given the attention hog that I am this is partially true, I have always asumed that when I was in love again it would defintely be the boy falling for me first, the boy telling me first, the boy just absolutley adoring me...and well with Hayd things are a little different. He cares about me, no questions asked, he is incredibly giving and full of charity, I know he would bend over backwards to do anything for me, but this boy is different. I am pretty sure he was put in my life to teach me some pretty crucial lessons that no one else in this life would have been capable of doing, or patient enough of doing (cause I am pretty sure many family members of mine have tried to teach me these things countless times). Hayden will tell me like it is, ok for instance back to the 'no expectations of me waiting'...He sees our relationship as a growing opportunity reguardless of what becomes of us, from the get go, he begged me to give it a shot purely just for the reason that we could make memories together, nothing more! He just wanted a friend to spend his last couple of months with, he said 'wouldnt it be cool to walk in a room and I would know that just by the way you looked at me that I was yours, that I was a step above all the other guys'. And I swear to you I didnt understand one bit of where he was coming from...wanna know why?? Well its because all of what he was saying was SANE, and RATIONAL!!! I have always thought love or relationships was a game to be played and won. I just am competitive, and feel like there needed to be an upperhand, that you are supposed to keep yourself gaurded, but as I am finding out thats not at all what it is about. Its about sharing yourlself with them, combining 'teams' to make a one stronger than you are alone. This has been a hard concept for me, just because when it comes to admitting weaknesses and asking for help Im not your poster child. I get mad, try and hide it and tell him I will take care of it on my own. He has told me that when you love and care for someone you share your weaknesses with eachother, no need to be embarrassed of them, and best of all its ok to have them. And as I am coming to realize, no matter what I tell him he is going to accept me. This boy is sweet, loving, spontaneous, bright, and above all logical. And if were all lucky some of his practicality will rub off on me.

We have already talked about what is going to happen when he leaves, and basically were not going to hold on to something that doesnt need to be held on to. Its like an awesome concert you go to, you have the time of your life, as the last song plays you wish it wouldnt, but its not like you think to yourself 'Im never going to leave this place, Im pitchin a tent here in this amphitheater'....you eventually go home, and you tell anyone and everyone just how awesome it was, and try and look for other amazing concerts to go to. It makes no sense to me to force and re-play old memories, it makes no sense to me to write a letter every week. I want to tell all girls who have sent a missionary off or who are about to, that its ok to turn the corner, its ok to let your life go on without wondering or dwelling on the past. It doesnt demean what you have, it just means that you have faith that you are where your supposed to be and that Heavenly Father has a plan for you with or without your missionary in your life. Dont fight it either, be open to change, be open to new people, new opportunitues, because if your too busy trying to 'remember' him an what you had, you wont progress and become the woman you need to be. Have faith that what is happening is all part of the plan. I can't tell you how much of my first year of college I wish I could re-do, all the analyzing and stunting of my growth I wish i could take back. I wasted valuable days, and I am so grateful that I know not to do that again, and that I have such a level headed person who encourages me to do so. He encourages me to go have fun, keep learning, and progressing, let our goodbye be goodbye, and move foreward with ourselves.

Sometimes I am baffled at how mature his thinking is for just a little 19 year old boy, he seems so much older than me in every possible way. How did I get so lucky?!

10 Reasons

2010-04-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

Here are ten reasons why I will never forget Hayden:

1. He calls me 'babe', usually super gay, but coming from him it means everything to me

2. he sings me 'dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like mine' to me daily

3. he ate a flower after he named reasons he liked me for every petal

4. he is patient enough to help me with my math homework, now that is a strong characteristic

5. he lets me get his blackheads, and doesnt scream too loud when I squeeze too hard

6. every single text I get from him has at least one smiley face

7. he doesnt have the slightest idea on how to have a bad day

8. he is taking me to Idaho

9. he can talk with my brothers and I can leave the room...gasp!

10. he cant dance, but thinks he can.

True Love:):):):):)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

Here is me hurting Hayden, I am a little bit buffer than him, but he deals with it.
By far the sexiest missionary I have ever seen!

About once a day we have a throw down, dont let these fool you, I usually give him a run for his money.

A few good times...

2010-04-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Me, Danni and Hayd at the Easter Pageant. Hayden and Danni hadn't been privileged enough to ever see one, but I was nice enough to take them.

Here is us at the Hoover Dam...still not too sure what is so fantastic about this place, but Hayden insisted that we stop and adore.
Here is the worlds cutest couple in the dirtiest city...we had fun:)
And the four best looking people in temple square, we got into all of saturdays sessions, it was perfect!

That someone better has finally come along.

2010-04-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well I just came to take a peak at my blog for the first time in probably 3 or 4 months, and I read my last post. Very ironic. Because today I am going to blog about how awesome the healing process is coming along.

Let me clear something up first...In no way was I devastated or completley heart broken, I just knew that what I was feeling inside wasn't healthy, and that it was time for me to finally get myself together and move forward...fearlessly. And so that is exactly what I did as I headed back down to school in Thatcher. I was so happy to be back, and still am! This place is my home...not forever, but it is a wonderful stand in. I have had so many opportunities to grow here, every single day I wake up, I thank Heavenly Father for softening my heart and directing me back to this place, I know that I would not be nearly as happy of a person somewhere else. As many of you know, I have kept cheering, and that was the primary reason for returning, but has definelty just turned out to be a perk to an otherwise already picture perfect semester.

Before I returned to EA, I couldnt stress enough to everyone how positive I would not meet anyone that I would be remotely attracted to let alone date, so I was completley positive that this semester was gonna be all about ME!! No worries about boys, or anything relating to that area. Because first of all its Thatcher, I am absolutley positive I didnt want to settle down with anyone who wanted to stay put in such a place, so that took out a good 40% of the males down there, and I am pretty sure the other 59% are weirdo's who just creep you out, and are from towns such at Belin, St. Johns, Snowflake...lovely people, just not headed in the direction I would want to be. And so, that leaves me with a percentage of one....it was the percentage I didnt even bother with beacuse I was positive that this semester at EA was just to relax, be me, have fun, and I guess knock out a few classes.Something I didnt let myself do last year. Basically, this small chance of me meeting someone was so overlooked and quite frankly I considered impossible.

I didnt calculate the chance that there would be a sweet loving boy from Boise, Idaho, here for me to meet and that he would be just what I needed at this time in my life.

That just goes to show that Heavenly Father has plans that are bigger than us... He is aware of our circumstances, and no matter how well we think we know ourselves, and try to dictate our everyday lives, we are powerless to His plan.

This is all not to say that things started out smoothly between me and Hayden (BTW, his name is Hayden). I think I remember saying to my cousin the first time I met him that he was super gay, in short I thought this boy and me will clash. I think mostly because we are both attention loving people, and he might have been stepping into my spotlight (promise I am not concieted). Anyway, he kept coming around, as a bunch of friends we would all go to lunch, I remember several nights wrestling the crap out of him, and one night I actually punched him in his face...he left quite upset, but needless to say the next day he still came around. He fixed my car when I didnt have the slightest clue why the steering wheel made an awful noice, he laughed at me when I got a ridiculous spray on tan, told me he was going to pee in my laundry if i left it at his house, would rudely tell me to 'kennel up' when I would talk a little bit louder than everyone else in the house, he made me feel ridiculously stupid for ACCIDENTLY kissing him, and a couple days later embarrassed the crap out of me in front all our friends by unexpectedly kissing me goodbye as if it was completely normal. And best of all he would tell how big of a brat I was all the time. After all of this I began to fall...romantic right? fighting, peeing in laundry, telling me I'm a brat...He was just right for me.

With Hayden there was never any pretending, I am who I am and he takes it. He doesn't tell me I need to change certain parts about myself. Is anyone else seeing the irony to this situation? Hayden is exactly what I needed right now. I needed to meet someone who could love me for me, someone to show me that its ok to have imperfections and flaws. Because I know all too well how it feels to constantly be trying to change myself for someone, I have always been a people plesaser, its a super counter productive attribute to have, not to mention it will make you crazy! I turned myself inside out trying to be a 'perfect enough' girl for a very long time, and I havent ever felt so relieved and content as I do now...since I have met someone who tells me everyday that I am perfect as I am now, who doesnt have unrealistic expectations for me. Now I'm not saying Me and Hayd are head over heels for eachother, or that I am ready for round 2 in the whole mission waiting game, but I am saying that I am incredibly grateful that I have met someone who was able to show me that I'm ok, Im worth something reguardless of my intensily crazy side.

May 26 (His departure date) is gonna come pretty fast. No matter how much I hate it, I wake up every morning and wish it wasn't a new day, one less day I have with a new best friend. He is going to head on his way to Guatemala, I'll continue on with school. Before both of us know it, it will be six months later and were barely a recent memory...I think that is the hardest part for me, that things could happen so fast, he could mean so much and BAM just like that those days are gone. It wont change that he shaped me for the better, and that he was a catalyst to molding a new part of me, its just going to be a hard pill to swallow. But I think its a little to late in the game for me to try and protect myself, or pretend I dont care for him just for the sake of me not getting too attached. I decided that I am going to look at it as a tiny miracle, be grateful for it as its happening, and don't get too pissed off as it slowly dissappears. Bottom line is someone else is in control, and If I do what I am supposed to I will keep getting blessed with these tiny miracles, and maybe better at letting people go.

Ok, now I am going to go to the bathroom and bawl for an hour.

I'm Fearless

2009-11-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

There are two things you have to look forward to when your heart is broken.

Things can only get better, surely the pain can get any worse
and some one will better will be apart of the healing process.

Laura is my IDOL

2009-11-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

My name is Jackie and I'm here to say
Laura Cummard is my idol in every way
Shes always happy and likes to have fun
Shes naturally the best at anything she has ever done.
I wish I could play ball or just be like her
I will log out of my email and blog from now on that's for SURE

Love you Jack:)

Feels like home to me.

2009-10-20T21:24:00.001-07:00

Ok, I guess its about time for an update...if Heidi is blogging again you know that it is time to start up. How bout I start with the good...I am still working at Justice, yay! Literally one of the happiest jobs I have ever had, I know its sick but I can see myself working there till I am 50. No need to worry I won't...I already evaluated the pros and cons of doing so, and realized I wouldn't progress:) Maybe being a business owner of some sort though?? I definitely love sales. Which brings me to my other bit, not only do I love sales but I love to talk sales, and I have realized that talking sales to an outsider is worse than pushing pins in their eyes (as I have learned from trying to share my enthusiasm with my less than aloof siblings who could care less). I find myself being borderline nosy when I walk into a store, whether it be Charlotte Russe or Wal Mart, I want to know where there at in there day, that meaning how much money they have brought in, what is the average transaction like, how their associate will treat me, and there conversion rate...doesn't all that sound exciting??!! Call me a nerd, but I love it! Another problem I have attained is feeling bad telling an associate no to what they are trying to sell me, its the stupid left over side effects of being a people pleaser, they still lurk around every now and again. An example, I went to Pac Sun as a 'just looking' customer, the ones I usually try to convert, and I started up some ole sales talk with the manager, made friends and so by this point I felt to bad to just leave. Because A: I would ruin the conversion, and B:...I dont think I have a B, I just felt too bad. So I bought some dumb mindless items, knowing very well I did not need them, and so 20 minutes later I was at another Pac Sun, making sure NOT to make friends with the people who worked there and quickly returned my purchases. Needless to say I am working on how to say 'no'.

Ok I have no idea how I got from talking about the good that is happening in my life to that ridiculous story. Anyway, moving on. I am still at my beloved parents house, taking online classes and like I said earlier practically living at Justice. Things are good here, not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be to be here again after being gone for 4 years. But by the same token it is a great motivator for me to get back down to thatcher. I know I am going to miss my job more than anything if I go back, because chances are I will have to work a crappy work study or CNA job, but I keep telling myself there will be other greater social payoffs, such as institute and devotional, church activities that you are almost forced to go to because there is nothing else to do ( i don't mean that to have a negative connotation), roomates YAY! my own house ( I havent had my own space in about 7 months now, I freakin miss it!) actually taking meaningful classes, and best of all performing again, CHEER!:)

Well thats about where I am at right now, working, attempting online classes, trying to save along the way, and nightly wanting to punch Casey in the face cause he is so annoying...life is ok, no major complaints.

The grass is green right here.

2009-09-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I thought If only I could do this, if only I could be there, If only he would like me, if only I would look like this than maybe, just maybe I might be happy.

On May 5, I left the town of thatcher thinking I would never go back, and I was satisfied with that judgment of mine. 4 months have gone by, five hundred thoughts and experiences later...oh what I would give to be back down there. Cabin fever could be a catalyst of this rash desperate opinion of mine. When I say cabin fever I mean seeing eating and breathing my crazy family life, they have basically been my life this summer...And I want OUT!!! Dont get me wrong I love them all, but I forgot what it was like to not have them around. To do what I wanted to do, make my own stupid mistakes, and have the freedom and luxuries to do so. Now a days it is quite the opposite, it has been mighty humbling having to rely on them, but it also gives me that extra encouragement to do what I need to to move forward and be on my own.

I think my first year at EA I was extremely self conscious and unsure about what I was doing, and rightfully so, it was my first time on my own, my first time using my money, everything I was doing was so foreign to me and I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was looking good to other people. A year later, and after reaping the paltry rewards of a people pleaser I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. That no matter if I did have the 'perfect' first year of college, if I did attend a University, if I was on scholarship, if I did have a boyfriend, If I was smart with every penny of my money, something still would have went wrong, under the microscope of other people somewhere along the line it wouldn't have been enough for other people. Its a never ending hole of un happiness when you try and play the role of a people pleaser and look gooder ( I just coined that new phrase). On the other hand, if you can sit yourself down, get real with the things that are going on in your life, the good the bad and the ugly, address it all, make a decision that you are ok with where you are at that exact moment , and become painfully honest with what YOU want, I think that is when happiness and progression can settle in and you can learn to see the lush vibrant green grass that you are already standing on.

Notice how I say learn to see, because its not something that just shows up one day. Its a behavior/ way of thinking that you teach yourself. Sometimes it takes just one bad day for some one to say I am sick of this, I dont like the way I feel when this happens, I am going to change this, tomorrow will be different starting with this new behavior...and then if your an Arnett it sometimes takes months even years of not liking whats happening for you to finally quick hitting that same wall, and decide to get a ladder and climb it. You have to get creative, you have to stop doing what you have always done and try something new.

Now back to me wanting to go back. I realize that it will in no way be the same EA it was the past two semesters. But as I was telling Missy who is going back, it will be a new EA, with new people and experiences awaiting her and I think that she is ready for that. I think anyone can be ready for that kind of change, and that being down there again with a new mind set will make it better than what it has been in the past.

Unfortunately I will not be going back down there, I am way too much in love with my new job, I am committed to saving my money, and I think its time for me to stick with a plan. At least for 3 months...I am learning to just take things a day at a time. Moral of the story, Im not sure, how bout I am a rambler/Motivational speaker:)

20 decisons that have changed me this summer...for better or worse.

2009-08-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

1. Coming home from EA
2. being a Show Low EFY counselor
3. my cute little dance camp
4. going to Pennsylvania
5. deciding to come home from Pennsylvania
6. racking up more credit card debt
7. deciding not to use my credit card anymore
8. starting a job at Justice
9. Mine and Missys relationship
10. deciding to attend ASU
11. losing my purse and starting all over
12. deciding I really dont want to go to ASU
13. getting promoted at Justice
14. deciding I want to dance now more than ever before
15. getting a second and third job so that I can dance
16. oh and SYTYCD reminding me that I love to dance
17. learning not to ask everyone for an opinion
18. learning how to take resposibility from Dr. Phil
19. my talks with Wendy
20. deciding once more that Im sick of waiting around for preston

My Poem

2009-08-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Please stop telling me what to do
but then I ask and thats your cue

do this do that, dont be a joke
Nursing school? I think you'll choke.

You can do what you put your mind to
but first ask me and I'll have to approve

Your twenty years old, not a child of eight
its time you know mail in rebate

You need a boyfriend, how long has it been
your getting homlier, that can be a sin

well this is what I say to one and to all
I am the greatest, and I will not fall

I know what I want, and I will not rest
I fight hard, put me to the test

Sometimes Im helpless, and out of gas
but i will never be the one to finish last

so please, next time when you feel you need to say
Just dont, Im sick of all the 'advise'

i dropped my fifth phone of the summer in a toilet

2009-08-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

need I say more (see 2 posts down)

"This Is So You Think You Can Dance, and Im your host Jackie Arnett!"

2009-08-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am obssesed with "So you think you can dance". I dont know what it is, but that show just speaks to me. It could be all the down time I have on the days that I dont work but I like to re-watch all the episodes throughout the seasons, rate then re-rate all the dancers and the choreography, and it has just been a blissful experience for me, I do beleive that I have fallen in love with the art of dance again. Not that I ever stopped loving it, but my batteries have been re-charged again. I forgot what it was like to perform a piece in front of an audience that you have worked so hard on, and the gratifying feeling of a screaming audience, nothing like it I tell you. Dance has always facinated me, and since I was a little girl I knew I would be one someday. I used to think that 'someday' had already passed for me. I danced in high school, I was on the school dance team, I cheered in college, but I hate to say it ladies and Gents, but Im not done with dance, nor am I ready to set aside that continuing dream of mine. As many of you may know I am know heading my education in the direction of nursing, but I was thinking about it the other day what would be cooler than a nurse who also coaches her own dance team, or even still competes herself...I mulled it over and I think that is a brilliant idea! It is kind of alot to ask, but I firmly believe that I can have the best of both worlds. After all it was dance that taught me that I can do anything, I was by no means a naturaly gifted dancer like my beautiful niece Jancy, but in a time in my life when I didnt really feel like I was worth anything or that I was capable of accomplishing the secret dreams of mine, dance was the only thing I stood and fought for. It was the one passion that I kept burning when everything else in my life went numb. I do not usually have great vision, but with dance I have always been able to picture me perfoming and dancing so powerfully, and through my persistancy i was able to carry that over onto the stage. the power of positive thinking is real!! and dance taught me that. yes it did take me several years before I ever reached the point where I would allow myself to dance on stage with confidence, but it did happen, and I wanted it bad enough to where I wouldnt give up. So back to me not being a 'gifted' dancer, I think I am what you would call a dancer with heart. In the classes I would take and the teams I was on I always had to work a bit harder than the other girls to master a sequence of movements or the technique of turns, but I loved what I did so I would gladly persist. Dance became a powerful outlet for me, and as I am re-discovering it still is. And with that said I would like to present to you a dance performed by two of my favorite dancers on SYTYCD (one dancer is a favorite by default), the title of this dance is Heartbreaker, Look it up on youtube because I cant figure out how the heck to post it to my blog!

I love this dance because it illustrates perfectly how I feel. I think that sometimes it is just as painful to be the heart-breaker as it is to be the heart breakee. I know that just within this past year I have been progressing from moving on from a former love, and let me tell you it is hard as hell. There are days that go by that I dont even think of him, and I am happy with the person I am becoming without him. And then one week I will do nothing but think and dream of him day and night. It becomes a quite heavy and annoying repetive thought process. Because like Jeanine illustrates in this dance, no matter how hard you fight this person off, no matter how hard you throw them to the ground, and promise yourself that you are done, he still creeps his way in. Because on any given day I can go through my reportoire of memories with him and remember exactly how beautiful he made me feel, and how happy I became around him, but it doesnt change the fact that it is healthiest and best for me to leave it all behind today. Being a heartbreaker gets a bad rap alot of the time, one that describes you to be heartless and spineless, when in my book it means quite the opposite. The days when I can say 'I am done, its over, it was all worth it, but better days await me' are the days when I feel the strongest and most worth while. The cheap security that comes from holding on to him isnt worth neglecting the reality that I deserve the best even if I havent found it yet.

I believe in being cursed.

2009-07-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

It all started out with buying my first nice phone. I got it off craigslist, and I was so proud a good hundred dollars spent. And so i had this phone for a good 24 hours before I went on a date, and we were talking and I seemed to be enjoying myself, when my phone basically crawled out of my pocket and through it self into the lake we were at. We managed to rescue it, but it was a gonner. And so I went to the alltel store and purchased another, same model, cheaper price (I had insurance), and so my week continued, and then the lovely July 10 rolled around, I hope you all know what day that is! Me and my brothers went to the lake for my birthday, I left my purse in his truck and headed out to play in the water. Well we returned and Casey dryly informed me that my purse was gone. Thats right someone broke into his truck and stole his phone and debt card, and my whole life AKA my purse. Digital camera, cell phone, wallet, social security card, hard drive with all the stories I was writing on them!, my Dr. Phil book, and my favorite body spray that was already taken from me at airport security once this summer, oh goodness the list goes on. And I mean I understand that kind of crap happens, but on a cute 20 year olds birthday? Really? Life is funny like that. And the thing is I am just one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, but I tell you I am getting pretty stumped on this one.

which brings me to my other story, this summer I had a job back east at a summer camp, I was the dance instructor, I was totally stoked to a part of such a great opportunity. but again life had a curve ball for me, sometimes things are not all they are cracked up to be. In my head I imagined this wholesome camp I would go to and be able to teach little kids dance, and make cute boy counselor friends. well back east is just as pretty as everyone says but this camp was not at all what I expected. As soon as I got there I felt sick, in my gut I knew I wasnt supposed to be there. it just felt wrong, I let it sit for a couple day before I called Cliff and we devised a genious plan to get me home. in short I threw some water in my eyes, i sadly proclaimed to the camp director that my dad had a heart attack. And BAM just like that the next morning I was in NYC taking several different buses to the Newark New Jersey airport. best and worst 3 days of my life. I sincerley believe i can do any hard thing now, no one would have believed that I could do any of what I did back there on my own. From getting a plane ticket to switching buses in the Big Apple. I was Lagit. Anyway, so on my 4 hour flight home, I kept thinking there was a reason I flew back there, saw those weird people at that camp, and felt prompted to leave days later, and there was a reason I needed to be back in Arizona for the summer.
I did get a job right away, I get a whole 8 hours a week. Not quite enough to pay off my plane ticket yet, but I will get there!

Ok I dont really remember where I was going with this post, its kinda all over the place...some side notes though, jancy ended up jumping in the pool with my phone, and once more I am phone less, broke, and basically jobless...but Everything happens for a reason. And I take full responsibility for all of this. (thats my new mantra)...lets see if I can reverse this 'curse' with it.

My Time To Shine

2009-04-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Well I am just going to update...Chea and I have an inside joke that my blog is the 'Peoples Punisher' (From Sydney White the movie), because no one reads my blog, partly because no one knows that I switched blog addresses and because my posts are long and drawn out, and I dont have pictures. But personally I like it this way, I can say whatever the heck I want...and for any readers who might be out there, I hope you enjoy, but if you dont, I dont give a hoot!

School is now in the home stretch for me, and I have bittersweet feelings. My roomates and I have finally decided to be social in the last two weeks of school, and so we have had alot of good times, but as I recall this is exactly what we did last semester! We stuck to ourselves and then when it came time for school to be over, we had some really good times. Isn't it funny how I sabatoged myself in this way...twice! Nonetheless, I am glad we have allowed ourselves to finally loosen up...and when I say we, I just mean me...as ironic as it is I am the anti-social one most the time.

I have a funny story to tell to exemlify that. The other weekend, a band came to safford to play, since this place is so hoppin you know? So the night previous to them playing we met at the Denny's, gave them our numbers and promised that we would go to the concert. No harm, and it was laid back enough for me to agree to go. So, the next night we are having a jolly good time at this concert, the music was pretty weird for my taste, but it kept my interest. It was Regae-Rap. So the last song is playing, and 5 or 6 girls decide to go up and dance in front of the stage, and if any of you know me there is nothing I hate more than being upstaged. Its funny cause these girls weren't trying to compete or anything, and its not like I was in love with this band...But all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming feeling to 'top' these ladies and prove that I was a bigger die hard fan than them...and So I did. Keeping in mind that this was all done in the name of attention. And so I jumped up on stage, and danced all up on the piano player, just giving him a run for his money ya know?:) For a moment there I felt like all the people in the auditorium were there to see me, it was great! Pictures were flashing from stage right, and then stage left, I felt like Hannah Montana. So the concert ends, we hang around to talk to the band, and I think that where it started to go up, I mean my wall of course. My roomates started discussing plans to hang out with the band, and I am thinking "why in the heck would I want to hang out with them, havent you ever heard of the term Go out on a Good Note?!' So I quickly informed them I would not be participating in this hang out, I just wanted to go home and read.

And so thus we see, either I am bi-polar, or scared. Im gonna go with the latter, because Im pretty sure bi-polar is a cop out. Isn't it retarted that I am nineteen years old and I still struggle to bring myself to hang out with other people. Because on most good days, I think I am cute, Im freaking funny, and I will entertain the crap out of anyone, but its like pulling teeth to get me to go to the institute building. Can anyone say Cliff?

Well the beauty of this situtation is that I am reading a book by Dr. Phil (dont anyone dis on him, he knows what he is talking about!) and I am learning why I do the things I do, what keeps me doing the habits of mine that I hate, and I no longer use the cop out 'well thats just the way I am'...Its really changed my perspective, I cant stop analyzing myself and all those around me. Its a liberating feeling to know that I am in control and that I can change my behaviors. I wish I could just place this knowledge in some of my loved ones brains. Because now when another hot band comes to Safford, I will say 'Hell yes we can hang out after the concert! And yes I know I got some killer moves!'

Buy my Book!

2009-04-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well I am writing a book(s). So far its been a light sketch, just messing around with different ideas, but I think that this is what I should be doing in my life right now. I bought a jump drive the other day, and I usually end up typing more in my book folders than I do my homework assignments, but so far it has been a great release. I have several different stories/books that I want to write, the first being my years spent in Chea's home, then My life with my brothers, and then I am going to strickly write a book on overcoming the heart ache from your missionary leaving, and lastly I want to write dad's story. Its all kind of out of order, but I am writing what I can deal first, and then I will move in to the murky more hard to swallow stories. Already I have developed a different perspective and I am more at ease with my past than I have ever been before. So people, be prepared to laugh, cry, and mock, I have got some good stories coming your way... you can place orders now:)

I've 'moved on' people

2009-03-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I this weekend was spent back home, no surprise I know, but the greatest part about being home this weekend was just how involved everyone was in my life. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone...I got questions left and right on who I was dating, people assuming I was engaged in some cases, just a bombardment of outrageous ideas all relating to me, I loved it, all the attention was really flattering. Engaged? (weird) I mean have you read my blog!!! I am about as far from settling down as it gets, don't get me wrong I do have to fight off the boys with sticks most days. But I do believe my favorite comment of the weekend was that I had looked as if I had officially moved on....It was such a proud moment for me. Yes, I have MOVED ON!!! Everyone knows about my gooooood friend Preston who left on his mission almost a year ago, and I have been writing and him for the majority of his mission...needless to say it has been a long, sometimes painful process getting over him and transitioning into other boys, but let me tell you I have made the transition, and life has never been better, and apparently others are starting to see that I exude the confidence of 'dang, that girl has moved on!'....I tell you its liberating! So thank you everyone for your bright and intact assumptions of me seriously dating, being engaged, a dear johner, and a moved oner! I am flattered:)

Everyone wants it, but rarely anyone can handle it

2009-03-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm talking about change people, the older I get, the more I realize how true that is! Missy and I were having one of our intelligent discussions yesterday, just updating eachother on 'where were at'...and I have never seen such a person make such a 180 change in such a short amount of time. She is incredible, from when I met her about 3 years ago, to the person she is now, I would hardly recognize her. Missy has such a great amount of courage, from her decsion to be baptized to her deciding to move back home to california...I admire so much about her. She does what she truley belives is best for her, regaurdless of what others warn or say to her. But anyway, Missy was part of my epiphany on change...She told me that isn't it funny how when people ask you 'how your doing' they usually want to hear what you are struggling with, they dont usually want to hear " Im great! Im going to church, and institute weekly, I have boys lining up to date me, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my education, Im sincerely happy!...oh and ps I have a rockin body", Well at least that Has been true for me... Its been hard for me to accept when others are doing good, because then I feel like I am failing. And before you analyze that, I'll tell you that I already know the reasoning for that mentality and it was because I wasn't feeling good about myself, I wasn't at peace with where I was at. Before I was so conciously focused on 'change', I was trying to completley remodel everything about myself. And while I became so obsessed and pre-occupied with this needing to change attitude, I was actually repelling the natural change that comes from surrendering and turning to the Lord...I seriously feel like I take the absolute most hardest and longest way to learn my lessons, but hey, at least Im learning them right?:)

The time has come for me to confess...

2009-03-19T15:18:00.001-07:00

OK so I told you in my last post that I am going to Pennsylvania this summer, and I am totally psyched to go...But I was reading on the Camp Towanda website, and under the catagory of 'campers' I learned that 98% of the kids will be Jewish. Ok lets all take a big breath...cause thats what I had to do. Dont get me wrong this will not stop me from going, I just dont know what I am supposed to do, Do i tell the diresctor that I am mormon, just to get it out of the way? Do I stay quiet and then secretly try and do some missionary work? Because as I read further I learned that at this camp they say 'grace' and I am assuming they will not end thier prayers the same way I do, so what would I do in the situation that I am called upon to pray? Well Camp Towanda prides themself upon the fact that they are 'diverse' so I hope all goes well and they are accepting. I was talking to Missy last night and it occured to me that the word "towanda" does sound a bit Jewish, you know like Kwanza...Well she quickly informed me that Kwanza is a black holiday and has nothing to do with the Jewish...my bad, you learn something everyday:)

An Update:)

2009-03-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ok so my old blog no longer would let me log on, I forgot my password, or my password changed...either way, I was ticked I could no longer get on! So here I am starting a whole new blog, the dance continues! I have lots to update. I will start with my baking obsession. My last post I was so proud of the eggs rice and salmon I made, Contrary to what Britteny said it was a good dinner, but I think that I am best at making desserts. I started with Banana Bread, and that was amazing! A little doughy in the middle but I love batter so it was delicious to me. And then I moved on to making a cake from scratch, to cherry tarts, to blueberry muffins, and then I made a reeses cheese cake. I find baking to be a huge stress reliever, I love sugar, and my roommates prefer the smell of cake rather than burning salmon so it all works out! Moving right along to my plans for this summer, I have had like a million different ones, but I think I finally found one that will work out. As many of you know, I went to North Hollywood a couple weeks ago and auditioned for Tokyo Disneyland, I had a wonderful time, I did amazing, met some nice girls, but I didn't end up getting a part...its ok I never really liked Tokyo or Disneyland for that matter:). So I checked Tokyo off my list and worked on getting a Camp Counseling job, and as it turns out I had a camp contact me from Pennsylvania and they are in need of a dance director...lucky for them dance is my middle name! I think that about leads me to where I am now, this week is spring break, I have had a good time taking it easy, and spending money I don't have. Only two more months of school, and then its summer! Time flies when your busy!

I made eggs, salmon, and rice!

2009-03-14T11:38:00.001-07:00

Ok well thats pretty much all I wanted to say...Its kinda a big deal for me, the salmon was super mushy for the longest time but I left it in the oven patiently for about 20 minutes, and then VIOLA! I had a beautiful, and might I add elegant meal. The rice was a bit crunchy, but thats beseides the point, it was the first time I ever tried making it...You know I just might go to cooking school!

Was it this hard for everyone?

2009-03-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Ugh, college is super exhausting. I mean that with every part of me. Everyday is go, go, go. Sometimes I feel like I dont have what it takes to keep up. Which is odd because I am not the type to back down from a challenge...I usually take pride in struggling and triumphing. Not today though. The triumph is taking a little longer than I anticipated...I would classify me right now at somewhat of a 'stand still'. So as I was talking with Missy tonight (my other favorite roomate) I was brought to the question, Did everyone have to struggle like crazy in college? I seriously feel like sometimes, its just me. So, since I know my sisters are the only ones who read this, I want to hear some of your college stories, so I dont feel so irrational. Blog about one of them, or just comment...or you can call me:) Love you all!

It Snowed!

2009-03-14T11:36:00.002-07:00

My favorite roomate!

2009-03-14T11:36:00.001-07:00

You know how people do 'tributes' to others on blogs, usually for their birthdays and what not. Well I want to do a tribute/recognize someone, but there is really no reason, other than the sheer fact that I am gratful for this person. Danni, my roomate. She is the most concieted girl of the house. I have never met anyone as vain as danni (well next to myself)...Ok I am kidding, if anything Danni is the complete opposite of that, she is a super humble girl. With little guile, She is so sincere, I admire that about her. For example, Danni is not a very loud out going person, but when we do go to social gatherings, she is the first to always say hello to someone new, and ask someone how they are doing. And I can do that too, but Danni sincerely cares about the people she is talking to, she isnt doing it to be 'fluffy' or superficial. Another admirable quality of Danni is that she is so content with who she is. She doesnt ever feel the need to change who she is based on what people think of her. That is so re freshing ...I am trying to learn from her how to be ok with yourself, and not change for others, but yourself. I want to thank her for listening to me, and never judging me.

Take an opportunity when it presents itself

2009-03-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was London's Run, and the past couple of years I have ran both the 10 k and the half marathon. And the plan this year was to do the same, but as it turned out when I picked up my bib it said '2 mile'. I was a little bummed and a little relieved by this typo. I payed the amount for the half marathon, but fact of the matter I wasn't trained to run 13 miles. So I settled for the 2 mile. All in all, it was a fun experience, I 'ran' it with little Taryn. But as I watched Pierce cross the finish line and not me after he had successfully ran for about 2 hours, I wanted to crumble. I was so upset with myself, even though I wasn't trained, I had stopped running for about a month and a half, I knew I could do it. I am a runner. But i let the negatives take over and I lost out on an amazing opportunity to push myself. So me being me, later on that day I went out for a 10 mile run to make up for it, hoping in some way to compensate for the experience that I gave up earlier...But truth be told it wasn't the same. Its great and all to know that I can push my body to those limits, but it wasn't London's Run. So today I am left with extremely blistered and achy feet, and left without the satisfaction of doing what I set out to do long ago. There is a scene from My Best Friends Wedding, where Julia Roberts is on a boat with her best friend and is given the opportunity to tell this man that she is in love with him once and for all, but as she keeps her feelings in, they pass under a bridge, and it symbolically marks that the moment has past and that she had waited too long to do what her heart told her to do. And I know that is an extreme example but it is almost exactly how I felt yesterday when I was on the sidelines as the gun went off for the half marathoners. The moment had passed. And as I am aware that there is always next year, I am in a new perspective now that I should take opportunities as they come, not to run away because of self doubt...And with that said I have another story. Today I was talking with a good friend of mine, and he casually mentioned that a mutual friend of ours thought I was cute etc. And I have always thought this guy was cute too, but I am the type who would never do something. Well this friend of ours just moved away last week... and now I kick myself for being so passive and doubtful. There is a microcosm of life to be learned from this, although I wish I would've stepped forward and been more aggressive and taken action, I am grateful to know what regret feels like so that I don't make it a habit.

My new Best Friend

2009-03-14T11:34:00.001-07:00

I cant tell you how much I love my new bike! Chea gave it to me, and when I first saw it I was a little reluctant on whether or not I would actually ride it...It mustard yellow, with a picnic basket on the front, it looks just like something from the 70's. But as soon as I got on that baby and gave it a whirl, I couldn't get off. There's something empowering about riding the ugliest, ok maybe not the ugliest, but the most unique bike on campus. First of all Im higher than everyone, literally, I can zoom past those walking, Im sure they feel sad they cant get anywhere as fast as I can, and I really do enjoy all this new attention. I find myself trying to find reasons to ride it, I asked my roomates today if they needed anything from Wal-Mart because I would ride down there and pick them up groceries, Cant you just see my basket being of good use in that situation?! Its just like a car, but better... you get a workout! I now consider myself a runner and a biker!

Play time is over:(, time to accomplish!

2009-03-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

I only have a couple more days left here in good ole Queen Creek, and then I have to head back down to school. I cant believe 3 weeks have already come and gone. Im kind of looking foreword though to going back...ok actually Im dreading it a bit, but Im working on the positive talk. This semester I am going with the attitude of accomplishing specific goals, and I WILL follow through with them, Im pretty sure thats why last semester was so lackadaisical was because I wasn't sure of where I was going and what for. Here are my new goals for 2009...1. Get a 3.0, 2. apply to a University (I am not going to mention which university, because I get so much flack for what ever school i say, it will be a surprise!) 3. Spend time regularly at library, Channel my obsessive energy towards my studies, 4. apply to a summer volunteer program, 5. join intramural soccer, 6. attend institute weekly, 7. find more service opportunities, 8. save enough extra money to join a real technical dance class, 8. Start living in the present, quit looking back to my past, and worrying about the future. 9. be myself always, no more holding back!...and of course I have more things I am changing and new habits to form, but those are my priorities.

Married...At my age!!!??

2009-03-14T11:31:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the wedding and reception of my best friend Molly. I met Molly my sophomore year of high school, I was new to the school, I didnt have many friends and instantly Molly reached out to me. She was bubbly, knew lots of people, and had every cute guys number...I was lucky to be her friend. She helped me discover my more social and goofy side, I love her for that. Whenever Molly and I would have sleepovers, we would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS talk about our wedding day. We would talk about how handsome and great our husbands would be, what our reception would look like, the songs we would play for our "first dance", and where we would go on our honeymoons. It was so fun painting these magical fairytale like pictures of what love would be like for us one day. And as often as we would dream and talk of these days, I never really could see it happening to any of us too soon, It seemed like a far off tale. But last weekend I got to watch all of Molly's dreams come true. It was so un-real to see all of those wonderful things happen to her. But what was even more impressing to me was to see just how happy she truly was. It was written all over her face! Granted the road towards her happiness wasn't pain free, She had to endure some hard knocks, but in my eyes that makes her all the more beautiful...Now Im going to be honest, lately I have been pretty fed up with all the 'engaged and underage' gals around me, not that im jealous, I just dont understand it! I guess I just feel way to much like a child, that I just could never picture myself being a wife any day soon. But standing back, and watching Molly's wedding gave me a new outlook. Now i'm not going to go sign up on LDS singles, or attend institute activities any more than I usually do, But in a sense I have a new hope. My heart has been softend, and I can't wait till I find the one who will love me the way I need to be. And make me glow in the same way that Molly did when she looked at her husband. Ok, there Im done...I said all the things I wanted to, now let the insulting begin...I always have been and always will be a hopeless romantic:) Congrats Molly! I love you!...Oh and just one more small note, I caught the bouquet!

I'm home for Christmas!

2009-03-14T11:30:00.001-07:00

Its back to the petty cat fights over clothes, the hounding to get a job, cleaning the black hole, gardening early saturday mornings, and it's never felt so good to be home. I forgot how ridiculous my nieces are, don't get me wrong, I love them for it. But its hilarious to see how fast an argument can flare up from one wrong look. I don't remember it being this 'sensitive' when I was here, but maybe thats just because lately I have had some heavy dosage of maturation:), little things like that just don't bother me anymore. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, is that so wrong?! Yesterday, some of us girls went and bought some fake reading glasses, and we all had plans to wear them to church. We were going to be the new Smart Family. All day we have just been prancing around the house pretending to be more intelligent than before. I insisted that I wear mine to the singles ward here, so then everyone would think that I was a real College girl...i mean come on, everyone knows glasses seal the deal when your trying to prove that you have 'changed'. Well that, an engagement ring. Not really interested in the latter...a little to permanent for my short attention span. Anyway, its great to be back, I have big plans, of course, things to do and change before i head back to thatcher scratcher...what better time to do so though, its the Season of Hope!

All nighters

2009-03-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

This week has by far been the best week of my whole semester. I guess you save the best for last right? Since monday, my roomates and I have been hanging out with my cousin Taylor and his cousin (not my side) Nephi. They have stayed over almost every night, no sleeping of course, but doing every crazy ridiculous thing in between. One night we had 'dare night', that resulted in alot of upset stomaches, and some wet pants. Another night, the boys decided to dress up as cowboys and we drove up to the mountain and took pictures up there. And an all nighter wouldnt be considered legit without face cards...we all have developed an obsession for the game Scum. And one night, everyone even managed to help me study for my psychology exam that was at seven am the next morning ( I got a 97%!!!). A couple of the nights at around 4 am ( that doesn't sound right) the boys would say they were hungry so Danni and I headed to Wal-Mart and picked up pancake mix and cinnamon rolls. Of all the 'all nighters' that we have pulled this week, I would have to say that last night was the worst...the night started out with a road trip to tucson which was a little too long in my opinion. And taylor and nephi insisted that we stay up till 8 am the next morning...I was not up for this one, my body was done staying up, and i was ready to head home now that i was done with my finals. But if any of you know my cousin taylor, you would know that he would make your life a living heck if you do anything contradicting his ideas. If I, or anyone else for that matter, would close their eyes it would result in pillow fights, stupid loud obnoxious clap games, and occasionally one huge group hug...I know it was as gay as it sounds. Nonetheless, this week has been so entertaining... it was the first time in the past 5 months here that i have wanted to stay in thatcher instead of come home:)

Life as I know it...

2009-03-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

This is my blog. I asked Danni to make me one so that I could post my analysis of all my roomates. And of course, as with all things, I really wanted this blog so that I could post about myself...Im a pretty narsisistic human being. But you wont be let down, I'm pretty entertaining. I'm a fun self centered person:) Ok well I'm going to start off from the beggining, give you an idea of how my life is these days, since I know everyone wants to know...First of all, this is my first semester of college, at Eastern Arizona, and it has been the hardest and best of times. Lets talk about the hard times and then I will end on a good note with the best of times. So far from being here I have learned what its like to be alone. I know that sounds pathetic, but to a girl who thrives off of family and friend love, its been pretty tough not having people be obsessed with me every second of the day. I mean, high school was great and all, I guess you could say I had a name for myself, and I was proud of that name. And then when I came here, everything that I built was gone. And now this is where my sisters tell me " Well thats life Jack, time to grow up"... And I'm coming to terms with the whole 'moving on' thing, its just alot harder than I thought it would be. Speaking of moving on, I had a really 'close friend' of mine leave on a mission in May. It was heart breaking,painful, joyous, and it was a HUGE adjustment. But as with all hard things in life, it has made me stronger and better. But I am going to say this, I wish there was a book written on how to cope with having the boy your in love with leave on a mission...now that I think of it, I think I will write it! The whole freshman 15, has been pretty depressing too, My roomates feel the need to go out for ice cream as soon as its 12 am or later, I tell ya college kids have terrible eating habits. Finances have been a gift and a curse for me this semester, I was so happy I had left over scholarship money, but then I quickly found out I am not capable of managing large amounts of money. It results in un-needed trips back home, i pods, short lived hair extentions, fast food, and...ya that about sums up where it all went. And now that Im in the home stretch Im praying I can make rent...Needless to say I have plans to improve myslef in all of these aspects next semester...you live and learn right? And I have also discovered being a college cheerleader is not all that its cracked up to be. Ok now lets move on to why college has been great! I would have to say the best thing about being here is meeting new people, granted I havent been the biggest social butterfly (I have plans to change that also) , But the people I have met and been close with have had a lasting influence on my life. If there is any reason to be glad I came here, it would be for the wonderful people I have met. My roomates in particular...and my running partner. The firesides and devotionals are phenominal, They have a way of always touching my heart and reminding me why I'm important. They keep me going. And since the town I live in is quite small, I have developed an un-dying love for Wal-Mart, I don't know what it is but I love going there. I have learned that they have the best deals around, and Im sure that will help in the long run, when I have to shop frugally for my future family. And its not a bad gig to stay out however late you want, with zero consequences. I cant really think of any other profound things that I have changed me for the better since I have been here. But maybe thats just it, Its all the little things that are happening to me that are shaping me, and making me become the person I am supposed to be. I like to think of myself as a work in progress. I have plenty of things I need change and improve about myself, and Im quite glad I have the opportunity to do so. Life is somewhat of a blank slate for me right now, and I get to decide what I want the picture to look like. Thats empowering. Being on your own forces you to 'dig deep', as Chea would say, and for that lesson I am grateful. I'm finding out life isn't meant to be easy from here on out, in fact I can expect plenty more dissapointments, failing, upset, crying, phone calls home asking for the 'right' answers. But its how I teach myself how to react to these negative things that are going to ultimatley determine the strength within me. So if next semester is just as stressful and hard as this one, I still say give it to me, for learning how to succeed and overcome obstacles on my own, Its worth it.